Liam Oliver - One Year On.

September 16th 2009.

This beautiful little boy arrived into the world.

I remember thinking how pissed off he looked when he was born.

For those fairly new to my blog you didn't miss much on the birth story. I had perfect deliveries with all 3 of my boys. Liams can be summed up in 5 sentances.

4am, I awoke with contractions.
5am they were stronger and more frequent.
6am we headed to the hospital.
7.11am Liam was born.
No pain relief.

I have always been lucky with my babies. Still, Liams birth was twice as long as James birth. My waters broke, instant contractions born within an hour.
I was nervous of having my third.

I had a few false alarms with Liam and joked I would only believe I was in labour should my waters break.

This happened as his head was being delivered so I was rather glad I didn't wait at home longer in case it was another false alarm. This was the most painful of the births and he had got into a little difficulty on delivery and passed meconium (baby poo) so we had to spend 24 hours in hospital for him to be monitored before we could go home just to be sure that there were not any underlying health issues.

The pregnancy was more comfortable than the second but I needed to be tested for gestational diabetes as I was measuring large for my weeks from midway through pregnancy. I did not have GD and extra growth scans showed I was unlikely to have too big a baby.

Liam was born a healthy 8lb 1oz. Very much in average proportions.

Liam was never a happy baby and if the truth be known, I found it a little hard to bond with my little man in the first few weeks.

Some of what I'm saying here has never been said to anyone, never been addressed but I really felt like I failed my baby boy in the first few weeks of his life.

I know I've never said this before but as much as I loved having my 3 boys, I found it incredibly hard when Liam would just scream all day and night. I never had this with the other 2. He sounded in pain. He was bringing up wind, I wondered if it was gripe. The days and nights were long and I was frustrated and wanted to know what I was doing wrong with this baby when the other two were fine.

It wasn't long before we found a lump in his groin.

Those days were the hardest of my life. The hernia was initially found days before James's first birthday and when my GP said he may need surgery, I sat in the GP surgery crying for failing Liam and for the fear I would miss James's birthday. I think the relief of knowing there was a problem and the fear of my baby going under the knife bought out a whole new outlook.

The hernia was pushed back into place but it could always come back.

My poor baby was in pain, it wasn't my fault, I wasn't failing as a mother and it could be treated. The days that followed became easier. The days where I would try to get him comfortable and hug him through his tears were met with tears of worry and distress of wanting to help him. I felt guilty for being annoyed at his screaming, for being so useless, for not being a good enough mother to him and for feeling like I didnt love him as much as I did the others from the time they were born.

Hubby and I had decided to ask if he could have the operation regardless when we next saw my GP.

The day we had booked an appointment, we didn't make it there. The hernia came back and couldn't be pushed back so we went directly to Cambridge Accident and Emergency Department and were there for the next 5 days.

For two days he was fasting in case the swelling was low enough to operate. This didnt happen. It's tough having a baby starving and wanting milk but not being able to help him.

His surgery only took about an hour but it was a long stressful hour. I stayed at the hospital with him the whole time. Hubby had to take time off to look after the other 2 boys and this was the time I really had a chance to bond with Liam.

Those few days were the defining moment I stopped loving my baby but fell completely in love with him.

After the surgery we had a completely different child. He was always happy and smiling and was a breath of fresh air. Liam was becoming the little Liam that I absolutely adore.

So my wonderful, amazing, beautiful baby boy, Mummy wishes you the best birthday ever and loves you more than she can ever explain. I am so proud to be your mummy and we all love you to pieces.

Happy Birthday Liam, my precious little boy. xxxx