Who's That Girl? Oh, It was Me.....

Most years go by in a bit of a blur. People can easily confuse one year with another as we grow older.  How often do you look back to a year and think that something happened only to begin to question yourself over whether that really did happen in that year?

2003 is one of those years I don't forget.

It was a very busy and BIG year for me.

It was a year of excitement but one of personal stress worry and feeling like my life was out of my control to a large extent.

2003 was the year I discovered I was expecting my first baby. Early May when we found out about the future baby was a time of great excitement. Yet it was marred by the relationship I was in.

Being engaged I felt trapped as my fiance was becoming more and more controlling. Especially once the idea of impending parenthood awaited us. I was living with my parents and fiance and it felt that my life was pretty much decided from here on.

I was overjoyed by pregnancy and going to be a mother but terrified of the consequences of living with a controlling bullying partner and bringing up a child in a hostile environment.

As much as I wanted out of the relationship at various times, I kept telling myself it takes two to make a relationship work and if I wasn't willing to make changes then I was just as bad as him.

Being in a mentally abusive relationship changes you more than you realise at the time. No matter what is done or said ad no matter how hard you try, nothing feels good enough. You feel weak, you feel inadequate and whilst much of you wants to leave, you feel that you are not strong enough to do it. You feel that you will only fail if you tried to do things yourself and at times, living a bad relationship just seems better than being alone. If you are with someone it's sort of a victory as no one else knows the real ins and outs of how it is behind closed doors. Even if I ever did leave I was reminded on a practically daily basis that if I left him no-one else would want me, especially with a child. My self esteem sunk lower and lower to a point it was easier to agree with him than start a fight. To just put my health and baby's health first and live as stress free as possible over the coming months.

It's always easy to judge someone and say "if they aren't happy they should leave". If only life was as simple as that....

Being pregnant lead to the insistance of us being married before the baby was born. His insistance I hasten to add. My family were cool with the situation but he wanted us to be married first.

So.... in September we married. I was 22 weeks pregnant and had my second scan a few days before my nuptials.I never told any of my family but the night before, I cried myself to sleep. I hurried through the wedding plans with no real interest thinking "that will do" due to a very tight budget and just the 6 weeks to plan it all in. We were not going to have a celebration after but my family insisted.

My best friend also married the same year as me and is looking forward to her 10th wedding anniversary this year.

Me? I'm looking forward to celebrating my third wedding anniversary in August. It may have taken a bit of time and a complete detour in life to celebrating a wedding anniversary but it's something I have learned over the years. You can't celebrate a relationship where you cannot be yourself.

By being myself I have found a wonderful like minded man, had 2 further children and have very much been enjoying part of a "couple" and family for over 5 years now.

Leaving my ex husband was the hardest yet BEST thing I have ever done in my life.

It took years to build up the courage to turn around and say I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I am worth more than this. My son is certainly more than this.

I will NEVER say I regret meeting him and having gone through some tumultous years for it is what has made me who I am today.

I've learnt a lot about myself, about what I want, what I need, what I won't accept in life. Most importantly I have learnt about who I am and who I want to be, not who and what someone else wants me to be.

When I look back 10 years, I see that young woman as someone else.  It's hard to believe that was me. That I was so controlled and limited in what I did in life by someone who claimed to love me.

Love isn't about making someone who you want them to be.

Love is about accepting someone as they are. Allowing them to be an individual as well part of a pair. To support them on lifes journey.

You accept one anothers flaws, you accept your differences and celebrate your things in common.

And most importantly, being happy with yourself means others will be happy with you too. Self acceptance is a big part of life and love. If you can be comfortable as the person you are then that's half the battle.