The Untalkable Subject

*DISCLAIMER:  This post may be a little bit graphic and upsetting to some so I will not be offended if you close this page but I feel that the subject as touchy as it is should be something that is spoken about more in society.

This has certainly been a week of bad news.

At the start of the week I heard some very worrying news.

My cousin and his girlfriend were together over 4 years. She was "The One" in his eyes and they had a really good lifestyle between them. He was successful in his job and her in hers. About a month ago, they split up. He took it really bad and slipped into depression that steadily got worse. Over last weekend, he decided enough was enough, told his friends on facebook that he wasn't going to let this ruin him any more and thanked everyone for their support.

Later the same day he connected his belt to the stairs and tried to hang himself.

I've always been a strong believer in things happen for a reason.

On this day though, it wasn't his time to go. Luckily, he lives in a rather modern house so they aren't built like they used to be. The banister broke and he ended up more bruised from the fall than anything. He still lives with my Aunt and Uncle and whilst I am unsure whether they were at home or at work at the time, I am aware that he was found by his mum at some point. The nurse who lived over the road assisted while they awaited the ambulance and he was admitted to hospital, given a full mental assessment and despite already being on medication for depression was prescribed stronger drugs to help him.

My cousin was always one of those "lads". You know the type, bit of a ladies man, had more women than hot dinners, likes his fast cars and all that, works as a mechanic for the MOD and always had a smile on his face.

At 27 he's far from the stereotypical teenager trying to commit suicide or "the call for help" you often hear about.

The break up has destroyed him.

We were also told that 2 weeks ago he tried to slit his wrists. My Aunt and Uncle didn't share that before as they did think it was the "cry for help" and that's why he was initially put on medication and in touch with a consellor. Obviously, that wasn't enough.

I worry about him obviously.

This does not sound like the cousin I have always known and loved for his cheeky smile, his (at times) cocky but likeable attitude. We may not be that close but he's still someone I've known since he was born and I worry about my Aunt and Uncle and my nan. It was 9 days after the anniversary of my Grandads death so it was a bad time for everyone.

I pray that this time he gets the right help. There is that fear that if he's tried it twice and failed, will there be another time? Will he ever succeed or will this be a lifetime of worry and stress for everyone close to him. Part of my fear is that he will be one of those "lost" people. Those who disappear off the face off the earth to never be found.

I feel so much for his parents right now. Speaking as a mother I cannot begin to think how his mother must be feeling right now. I think of my boys and from the day you know you are pregnant, your instinct is to protect them. To keep them safe. To make them feel loved. As a baby you fear the illnesses, the Sudden Infant Death. They grow, you fear what they may grab when they crawl. You fear every fall when they begin to walk. You fear them not fitting in at Playgroup. Not having friends at school. Fights amongst boys as they grow. They grow to teenagers. Smoking, drinking and drugs become the new parental fear. They grow out of all those stages relatively healthily. Become smart young men with a great future ahead of them. Then they get a big old knockback in life and they feel that life is no longer worth living. EVERY moment you have feared for them must come back. You think you are out of the danger zones when accidents and the problems you most feared are behind them to come back to this.

It's not just that he's lost his girlfriend. He's lost himself.

It's never any good saying "get a grip" "you need to be strong" etc as Depression is a mental illness and it could be a very long process ahead for him and his family. I just hope for everyones sake that this new medication is a help to him in the coming weeks.

We also worry about his dad. Very much of the "talking won't help/a man needs to act like a man" generation, we KNOW he will be supportive of his son, but what about him. He never talks about tough times. He is in his mid 50's is asthmatic and has had poor health on and off for quite some time. So we just hope that he is ok and that the stress doesn't make more problems for his health or worse.

This was not an easy post to write but I do feel that mental health and the subject of suicide or attempted suicide at least should be spoken about to help those that need the help most get some better understanding. It's not an easy path and it must be a really dark place to be when it feels the only way out of it is the eternal darkness of death.

Thinking of all my family and wishing them all strength.