Medical This, Gadget That and Everything Else In Between

For a good few days I have been wanting to write, I just haven't had the right words so I apologise if all this seems jumbled and a little thrown together. That's just how I am at the moment.

I have so much going through my mind, so many things I want to do, so many things I should do, I just don't have the energy. I probably have the time (even if I do spend my days wandering around doing things for the kids) I just don't do what I need to sometimes.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Grandads sudden death last year. That's had me thinking about life and "things" alot. We were lucky to have him in our lives and he was lucky that he didn't suffer a long illness with lots of pain and medication. My grandad loved playing a card game called crib. Years ago he taught me and I ended up playing in a team with him. I was in the team from when I was 16 until I had Matthew 7 years later. We saw a couple of players pass away over the years, including two in our own team. Ken was a good man and I worked for his daughter at one stage too, he died of a heart attack aged 58 about 5 years ago. I am still in contact with his daughter via facebook. Anyway, back to the point (I've already apologised for my thoughts being all over the place - so again sorry!) when my grandad died suddenly they continued with the team. After a few weeks they were struggling to get enough people together and gradually they stopped playing. This has upset me rather a lot. A lot more than I imagined. He played crib since the late 1940's and every Tuesday evening for over 40 years he would play crib. It's like another part of him has gone and been buried. Of course, finding out the week of the anniversary has probably been why this has had such a profound effect, another time I'd think it sad that something he had done for enjoyment for so long finishing would be sad, this week it's really been a shock. Just like a few months after his death, his old workplace where he finished off before retirement burnt to the ground. Little things bring back memories.

As Made by Nicola of NikNak designs for me a memorial last year. I thank her so much for this. x

Tomorrow I intend to phone my nan, I hope I don't get upset as I have been having "moments" this week. I worry about my nan. I know she is getting on well but she was there when it all happened (52 weeks ago today - the date anniversary tomorrow) and whilst my uncle is taking her out for dinner today and my mum has a day off work and will visit her tomorrow, I don't want her to think we're not thinking of her.

So, what's been going on besides me turning all sentimental and dwelling on the past?

SNOW!

And tons of it.

It started last Saturday night and snowed through to early hours on Sunday morning creating about 6 inches of it in the meantime.

The school was open on Monday but I couldn't even get the buggy onto the main paths so the kids got a day off.

Tuesday James went back but Matthew wasn't well so he got a second day off. After school James (with a lot of help from mummy) made a snowman:

James really enjoyed being out in the snow. He did the carrot nose, and I used a tomato chopped in half for the eyes. My scarf will need a wash once "Snowman" as James creatively named him disappears. He's still going strong even if the birds did peck his eyes off and he now sits in a large green patch as the grass is through.

Liam also loved the snow. You know it's cold out when a two year old keeps n his hat and gloves all the time.His delight was shown by the shouting of  "Issstmas!!!!!" thinking Christmas had come back.

We got a letter through about Liams hospital appointment and have had to reschedule it. They booked it for the one week hubby is doing a training course for his work. Abso-frickin-lutely typical. We have requested that the appointment could happen in the week commencing 6th April as hubby has a full week off work and he can travel anytime then. As it's an outpatients appointment, they are expected to book in by 7.15am. This is a good 90 minutes drive away so it will be an early start and I still have the other two and school to think of so hubby will have to take him by himself.

I also got a phonecall from the Mental Health Services regarding Matthews behaviour. It IS ADHD so he's now being referred to a local ADHD specialist at a meeting that will happen tomorrow. The first step now is for me to attend parenting classes on how to offer more support to Matthew and get some support myself. It's something I've been working towards for a long time, it's good to know that people have listened and seen some of the difficulties I face on a day to day basis. It would be good too if I could find people I can talk to about my struggles too.The school have been great and made me feel so much better. For a long time I've felt such guilt that I find Matthew hard work. That I shouldn't be struggling as my kids get older. That I am noticing more than ever that James and Liam are so much calmer and think things through compared to Matthew. They can sit still. They can complete tasks. They can do as they are told. I know it's never right for a mother to confess to having a favourite child, but it really hurts to think that you think of one of your OWN 3 children as being your least favourite. The guilt I have felt over that over the past couple of years has been immense. I never had a problem when it was just Matthew but seeing how kids can behave when they don't have behavioural issues was a huge eye opener as my babies turned into toddlers and now little boys themselves. I've felt really bad about alot of things and I don't want it to bounce back onto Matthew as it's NOT his fault in the slightest. I've done my best by him as much as I possibly could but now is an oppertunity for me to really help and become stronger and understand his little world a little more.

In happier news (that hasn't messed with my emotions this week) I have a new Iphone. For 11 months I have had no working mobile. The contract came to an end last March and I didn't renew it. People were able to call me but I couldn't call out. In fact my mobile phone became my watch and alarm clock. Then the kids smashed the touchscreen top last week.

I never thought I had much need for an iphone. I never really missed my old phone but hubby got a good deal through work so we both got one. I've been playing with it far too much and spending less time on the pc hence the lack of updates here. I like the city building and animal building games far too much and facebook etc is available to all. I've barely used the phone itself but the apps are very good. Haha. So much for me not being a gadget girl!

This week we are doing Valentines a day later than normal. Some silly girl (ie Me) booked a driving lesson for the morning after so that bottle of wine in the fridge will be enjoyed more after the lesson. I am cooking a nice meal for the two of us. I look forward to it.