Easter Holidays Week 1.

I promised an update on the kids in the week but being that sort of spontaneous family, we went away for the week instead! Ha.

The Easter break has started off with highs and lows.

The Low

The CAR!

Let's start at the beginning. Last Saturday we thought it would be a nice idea to start the holidays by booking a 4 night break in Devon. That's a nice little 4.5 hour drive away with lovely coastlines and normally warmer weather. So we booked it. 3 hours later we went out in the car and were greeted with a rather worrying sound. Hubby first thought it was the cam belt but upon getting advice from a garage it was actually a resistor thing with a loose screw. We managed to get the car home and hubby arranged to borrow a friends car for our journey whilst his friend with mechanics experience was going to take a look at the car and fix what he could whilst we were away. Upon returning home we also get the news that the alternator belt was damaged and we now need a new power steering pump. Garage cost £550 for the lot. However, like I said, hubbys friend is a mechanic and we've found a good website selling spare parts. The parts we need come to the grand total of £110. That's a fair old drop on the original quote (Our car is probably only worth £1200 anyway) but we will pay him for his time and labour costs but we know he won't charge as much as the garage. One garage even told us it was something else on top of the original problems we knew of. Hubby was already dubious of them as they tried to sell him extras when we had work done there before. Luckily hubby is rather car savvy (unlike me) and turned round and said he knew it didn't need that extra work so we take their advice as wrong and assume them to be rip off merchants.

The High

Devon

On Monday we travelled from Suffolk on the far right (we're just above the ^ where it joins Essex) and drove to the South West county of Devon (just below the "N") for a break at a big holiday camp. It took us about 6 hours to get there n total. We needed 2 toilet stops with the kids and we stopped for lunch about halfway there. The traffic wasn't too bad for a bank holiday and though most of it was motorway it was a nice journey.

We stayed in a caravan. It was FREEZING. Day time temps were getting up to 8oC and 9oC but night time temps were down to -1oC. After a cold first night with the living room heater on full blast we rushed out to buy a storage heater for the other end of the caravan.

The kids were happy enough though as they love caravan holidays. We were situated near all the entertainment complex and enjoyed all the facilities from family shows, swimming, indoor play area, outdoor park, outdoor pirate themed park and the beach.

The beach was beautiful. Typical West Country is a clay cliff area and a very vivid browny orange in colour.

That little boy in the blue checked jacket running down to the beach with his bucket and spade is my James whilst Matthew waits slightly to the left. :)

The view from the caravan park itself was stunning. This was taken from the balcony of the entertainment area and bar:

Yes, that is a golf course on our holiday resort with the beautiful blueness of the West Country coast in the background. Over to the East coast where we are situated is a more grey sea.

The weather itself was lovely, just cold.

The kids loved swimming and we visited the town of Exmouth a few miles up the road and the nearby city of Exeter. It was a lovely break and we all enjoyed it.

The kids all had school reports in the last weeks of school. All three boys are doing fabulously. They are getting on very well and improving a great deal.

Liams speech is still a concern. He will speak when he is ready. He is still using very short sentences but he is getting there slowly. James always spoke very quietly and not very clear. Liam is loud enough, clear enough, he just chooses not to talk much.

Yesterday we took our chances and had our first barbecue of the year. It went very well. We invited our friends over and we all had a good afternoon/evening of food, drink and good company. The sun came out, the day even warmed up enough not to wear coats outside.

This morning I was nicely woken up by James singing Gangnam Style from his bed. :) When you have small kids, even the most annoying songs become sweet in a way. "Hey, Sexy Lady" from a 4 year old is rather amusing.

Muffled Apologies As I Sit At The PC And Try To Pretend I've Not Been AWOL For The Past Month.

I feel like I am back in my secondary school, rolling into my maths class late.

I stroll in, As I look around me feeling a little embarrassed aware that people have noticed my absence and are now judging me for my absence and wondering where I have been - I apologise for being late and sit down quietly.

I take out my books and pencil case and quickly try to catch up with the work I should have been done.

The thing is, in my maths class, I am not sorry for being late. I just didn't hurry myself or get my butt into gear and just get on with things.

This latest little absence from the land of Blog feels like it did back in the day.

I'm a bad blogger that spends far too much on that networking site playing games Crushing Candies and doing Investigations and autopsies.

Life is good.

I recently said to a very good friend that "There are 3 stages of everything in family life. The exciting, the disappointing and the normal"

Life here is INCREDIBLY normal but that's not at all a bad thing.

We're secure, the kids are happy amidst school and routines and most of the time, I am happy with the way it all slots in.

Hubby is working hard but we're also enjoying alot of family time and still aim for the odd date night once a month.

This month we went to the local theater and watched a comedienne. It wasn't that she was particularly bad, but more that the audience weren't the most exciting audience. Hubby and I had never heard of her despite her apparently having her own tv show a few years back and she was ok, but it looked a hard gig for her.

Personally, now I no longer pay ridiculous costs for driving lessons, I have invested in a little more baking equipment. I FINALLY bought a good quality icing bag and have been having a bit of a play with it this week.

 

For my next challenge I want to do a full iced cake and cupcakes. If they come out good, I may even start posting the odd recipe book. Today I also got myself a new baking book.

I have been reading LOADS this year. I am rather into things this year with a little local history and factual content rather than just the fiction genre. I love my novels I really do, but sometimes fact is much more exciting when you really can visualise the story and scene behind the narrative.

My last post was on my cousin and his state of depression. He is doing wonderful now. He will not get over depression overnight but the medication is really helping him and he is getting his life back together and doing the things he did before once again. It's a massive relief for all.

My best friend has got her marriage back on track. An honest chat with her husband and a kid free weekend away from home has given them a new lease of life as a couple. His job is now also safe so ALL the stresses they were under before is now behind them so I hope they can get on well in the future. They are a nice little family and deserve some better luck this year.

I'll be back later in the week to fill everyone in on the kids school reports this term. They are being little superstars as always but they deserve a page to themselves.

Finally............ I am feeling rather broody at the moment. Baby bumps appear to be everywhere. 2013 is going to be a big year for babies. Like I've said many times before, the idea is wonderful - practicalities are not. So big sigh and on with life trying not to get too broody.

The Untalkable Subject

*DISCLAIMER:  This post may be a little bit graphic and upsetting to some so I will not be offended if you close this page but I feel that the subject as touchy as it is should be something that is spoken about more in society.

This has certainly been a week of bad news.

At the start of the week I heard some very worrying news.

My cousin and his girlfriend were together over 4 years. She was "The One" in his eyes and they had a really good lifestyle between them. He was successful in his job and her in hers. About a month ago, they split up. He took it really bad and slipped into depression that steadily got worse. Over last weekend, he decided enough was enough, told his friends on facebook that he wasn't going to let this ruin him any more and thanked everyone for their support.

Later the same day he connected his belt to the stairs and tried to hang himself.

I've always been a strong believer in things happen for a reason.

On this day though, it wasn't his time to go. Luckily, he lives in a rather modern house so they aren't built like they used to be. The banister broke and he ended up more bruised from the fall than anything. He still lives with my Aunt and Uncle and whilst I am unsure whether they were at home or at work at the time, I am aware that he was found by his mum at some point. The nurse who lived over the road assisted while they awaited the ambulance and he was admitted to hospital, given a full mental assessment and despite already being on medication for depression was prescribed stronger drugs to help him.

My cousin was always one of those "lads". You know the type, bit of a ladies man, had more women than hot dinners, likes his fast cars and all that, works as a mechanic for the MOD and always had a smile on his face.

At 27 he's far from the stereotypical teenager trying to commit suicide or "the call for help" you often hear about.

The break up has destroyed him.

We were also told that 2 weeks ago he tried to slit his wrists. My Aunt and Uncle didn't share that before as they did think it was the "cry for help" and that's why he was initially put on medication and in touch with a consellor. Obviously, that wasn't enough.

I worry about him obviously.

This does not sound like the cousin I have always known and loved for his cheeky smile, his (at times) cocky but likeable attitude. We may not be that close but he's still someone I've known since he was born and I worry about my Aunt and Uncle and my nan. It was 9 days after the anniversary of my Grandads death so it was a bad time for everyone.

I pray that this time he gets the right help. There is that fear that if he's tried it twice and failed, will there be another time? Will he ever succeed or will this be a lifetime of worry and stress for everyone close to him. Part of my fear is that he will be one of those "lost" people. Those who disappear off the face off the earth to never be found.

I feel so much for his parents right now. Speaking as a mother I cannot begin to think how his mother must be feeling right now. I think of my boys and from the day you know you are pregnant, your instinct is to protect them. To keep them safe. To make them feel loved. As a baby you fear the illnesses, the Sudden Infant Death. They grow, you fear what they may grab when they crawl. You fear every fall when they begin to walk. You fear them not fitting in at Playgroup. Not having friends at school. Fights amongst boys as they grow. They grow to teenagers. Smoking, drinking and drugs become the new parental fear. They grow out of all those stages relatively healthily. Become smart young men with a great future ahead of them. Then they get a big old knockback in life and they feel that life is no longer worth living. EVERY moment you have feared for them must come back. You think you are out of the danger zones when accidents and the problems you most feared are behind them to come back to this.

It's not just that he's lost his girlfriend. He's lost himself.

It's never any good saying "get a grip" "you need to be strong" etc as Depression is a mental illness and it could be a very long process ahead for him and his family. I just hope for everyones sake that this new medication is a help to him in the coming weeks.

We also worry about his dad. Very much of the "talking won't help/a man needs to act like a man" generation, we KNOW he will be supportive of his son, but what about him. He never talks about tough times. He is in his mid 50's is asthmatic and has had poor health on and off for quite some time. So we just hope that he is ok and that the stress doesn't make more problems for his health or worse.

This was not an easy post to write but I do feel that mental health and the subject of suicide or attempted suicide at least should be spoken about to help those that need the help most get some better understanding. It's not an easy path and it must be a really dark place to be when it feels the only way out of it is the eternal darkness of death.

Thinking of all my family and wishing them all strength.

The Adults

Sometimes I worry about the capability of the UK Government and how they are SO disorganised and can't seem to arrange anything.

This week we are on half term which means I have done my first half term as a parent helper in James's nursery. I've been going in every Thursday since they returned to school (Tuesday the first week then I changed) and I love it. The kids are great, I love being active in the creativeness that 4 year olds have, the thrill of the big wide world and covering Chinese New Year. In my odd days in I've helped the kids with their collage of the Chinese dragon, read stories, been on break duty, filled in numerous forms, prepared work for the following day, played games with the kids, overseen the creation of Valentines Cards and joined in with all sorts of singing and dancing activities as well as the less than glamorous jobs of clearing up and helping with shoes and coats etc.

However, going back to the useless Government system, I have been working in a school for 6 weeks and only just today I got my CRB (Criminal Records Beareu check) cleared.  In those 6 weeks I  could have been ANYONE. I do not have any convictions but I could have and they would still be none the wiser. I could look the average mother dropping her kids off at school but I could have been done for dealing drugs, violence, sexual offences or murder in my past and it took 6 weeks for it to be reported to the school. Of course, I am sure that if I was a prolific criminal of sorts then the school would have been informed sooner rather than later. Yet, me, I am one of those proper Virgoan/Librans at times who just likes formalities covered. I like things in order and feeling that things are unfinished irritates me. Especially when it's something like this and kids welfares are at stake.

As you may have noticed I am LOVING the classroom environment and I am already thinking of stepping up a gear when Liam begins nursery in September. I need to work in the school voluntary 15 hours a week to qualify to begin the training as a teaching assistant. I don't have to do it all in the nursery, I can move around the school helping out in areas that need the help as I earn the qualifications to become a paid professional. It will mean all 5 mornings are taken up voluntarily in the school but life is now at a point where I need to reconsider my future.

I could continue to be a non working mum with kids at school or I could actually begin to think about doing something for me. To think about helping contribute to the family finances. Wages aren't great as a T.A. but it all helps. We are comfortable now and hubbys wages will only go up with more experience and the options of promotion.

By the time I begin to train, Matthew will be approaching 11 years old. That will be that I've dedicated the last 11 years of my life solely to my kids and family and I feel that this is my way of getting something back for myself. For getting back into the working world and to give something back to society. I am at a stage I've given the best start I can to my kids and if I can help others then I would love to be part of that important stage of a childs life.

Hubbys new job started at the start of the month. He is getting on well with it. He's enjoying the new challenges of new sites to work upon and the hours aren't affecting him too badly. Last Thursday he had an assessment done on his work and he is doing just fine, his assessor was also being assessed by a manager and the manager was being assessed by senior management. So, as if having a work assessment wasn't worrying enough, he had the added pressure of being overseen by 3 people instead of 1. Because of this we didn't do too much for Valentines Day but hope to get out and do something just the two of us this weekend.

We have had a busy few weeks and what with that and balancing life with the kids it's been a lot of hard work and a lot of hard play for all.

22 Days Later - Part 1 - The Kids

What can I say other than I have been AWOL again. Sorry.

On the plus side I have got a little better at commenting this week. (I stress the word "little")

There is so much I could have written short posts about. Good and bad but quite frankly, it's been a manic few weeks and I am sure I have forgotten so much.

Ironically, it's the "small things" about having kids that I most want to record as they grow up so fast!

Let's start with "the baby", Liam is done with jabs for at least 10 years! Yep, my baby son has had his boosters for all the pre-school injections and I am now satisfied that I have done all I can to protect my son from unneccessary childhood illness. I know the debate on immunisations is still very much open but the benefits by far outweigh the odd medical "oddity". There's a risk with anything but I do feel on the subject of immunisations is that there are MILLIONS who have the jabs without reaction. It becomes BIG news when things go wrong and that sparks a panic which can lead to numbers of the immunisations dropping and the illnesses they cover have their cases jump and can do much more damage than the odd immunisation would have done.

He was really good, he wasn't too happy when I had to hold him still for a needle in each arm but was happy enough having the injection and did not cry a single bit. I have ALWAYS been very open with my kids. Even at 40 months, he may not fully understand but I did say to him "We've got to see a nice nurse lady and she will give you a little prick in the arm which might hurt a little bit but it won't hurt for long.OK?  So, arms will get a little hurty then it's done. I'll give you some chocolate after for being a brave boy and we can carry on to playgroup." Mothers really do worry about these things more than little ones.

Also on the subject of being honest and open with my kids, there have been a number of incidents in a nearby village over the past couple of weeks. About 4 miles down the road (The estate/villagethe other side of Sudbury) there had been cases of kids being followed by a middle aged to elderly man. I first heard about it via facebook Thursday evening when it was reported a man acting suspicously was seen following 2 teenage girls. A few minutes later after the girls reached home, two 11 year olds were followed by what was thought to be the same person and later on around 5pm the same man was seen approaching a 9 year old boy playing outside but again the boy went home. It was then reported in the local paper that this comes a little over a week after the same thing happened in the same area. A man was arrested in connection with the threatening behaviour yesterday.

However, being an open mum, I had to talk to Matthew about it. It was time to reaffirm the "Never talk to Strangers" thing. Matthew is so friendly and SO naive at times he scares the living daylights out of me. He would talk sport with anyone and everyone. It may have been the other side of the nearby town but it still makes you think of your little ones own security when they come home from school alone. Matthew has been doing great but making him aware of the situation, I gave him the choice, he could either walk back halfway as he has been doing (I've been meeting him to cross the main road since the nature walk is mega muddy after the recent snow and rain) and tag along with a friend and their mum until I meet him (which I could arrange with his friends mum prior to school collection)  or I could meet him from school if he would feel safer that way. My amazing smart 9 year old opted for me to collect him.

Whilst it is nice when I don't have to take a trip to the school 3 times a day, I want my son to feel safe and secure. I don't want him growing up afraid of being on his own, afraid of strangers. We are lucky that where we live it is a close knit community. Everyone seems to know everyone, everyone is really friendly but I am well aware that people only show the side of them that they want you to see.  Matthew is growing up, he needs to have the freedom and independence that has grown over the past year or two but I would never ever let him be at risk. When kids get to 7 or 8 they begin to change so much. You need to let them grow up and that can be hard. The oldest one is the hardest to let go. James and Liam already watch things on tv I never let Matthew watch at their age. They play with toys I wouldn't have let Matthew have and it could be that they are much easier to look after than Matthew ever was and we're in a very different environment to the town estate we were on before but they have much more freedom aged 3 and 4 than Matthew had until he was 6.

It can be a scary old world out there and we can only do so much to protect our kids without bringing on the "cotton wool effect". Kids need to face the harder parts of the world at some point and I do feel that if Matthew is old enough and mature enough to be aware of dangers and worrying news nearby. Though nothing actually happened beyond the kids being followed, it doesn't mean that would always be the case.

So, in all I am proud of Matthew for being sensible and asking for an escort home on Friday. He did good.

And the future begins to take shape.....

Hello world, I am very much still alive just a very busy lady!

I have so much to say but will start with apologising for being a bad blogger and commenter in recent weeks. I am working on this, I am reading, I just don't have time for much else right now.

So......I do think 2013 could be a very positive year for us.

In the past week since I last blogged we've had a family fun day out in London. We visited a few sights and went on the cable car over the river Thames. That was a great experience. Even for a person with a height phobia like me.

The kids are back at school and loving it. Liams first (almost) full week has gone fast and he seems incredibly happy there.

I've been getting out and about in the car. It's going good. Had a long and short journey in the past couple of days and it's all helping getting used to the car and building my confidence ever more.

Today is Matthews 9th birthday. He got £100 from family and we bought him an android tablet. I got one for Christmas, hubby bought himself one and we looked into security and all that so Matthew now has one too. He has a handful of games installed onto there and some football sites linked in but he cannot use the internet or add apps due to parental controls. Tonight we'll take him for a steak dinner at his favourite restaurant. I can't believe he is NINE!!!

Hubby looks to be going places in his job. There's a very good chance (we're just awaiting confirmation) that he will be working in a different area in his job. The work is virtually the same but harder as it covers a bigger area and is a little further from home (about 40 mins) but with that comes promotion and a payrise so it's all good.

The other bit of BIG news is that after 9 years of the kids being the central part of my life, they are actually leading to other avenues of my life.

I have been asked if I would like to help out in nursery on a regular basis, so from next week, I am officially a parent helper every Tuesday morning. I have to have a CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) check to make sure I am not a dangerous criminal or anything that could be of risk when working with children but it's all going through at the moment.

James nursery teacher even said to give it to Easter and if I found I liked it and wanted to train towards any qualifications she would be more than happy to back me and that she and another Teaching Assistant would assist with any work if I need it. It's great to have the support of the school.

So it is happening. My life "beyond pre-schoolers" is starting to take shape and for the first time in my life I can actually think towards having a bit of a career other than just finding a job to keep me occupied.

I wouldn't want to be a fully trained teacher at this point but a teaching assistant job eventually would be amazing and maybe I could re-evaluate on where to go once I achieve that and the kids are in higher education.

I'm also in the school on Wednesday doing the voluntary "Wellie Walk". The kids are going for a nice walk in the mud along the old train line in their little Wellington Boots as part of their nature theme for the start of this term.

It's just all so exciting....

Who's That Girl? Oh, It was Me.....

Most years go by in a bit of a blur. People can easily confuse one year with another as we grow older.  How often do you look back to a year and think that something happened only to begin to question yourself over whether that really did happen in that year?

2003 is one of those years I don't forget.

It was a very busy and BIG year for me.

It was a year of excitement but one of personal stress worry and feeling like my life was out of my control to a large extent.

2003 was the year I discovered I was expecting my first baby. Early May when we found out about the future baby was a time of great excitement. Yet it was marred by the relationship I was in.

Being engaged I felt trapped as my fiance was becoming more and more controlling. Especially once the idea of impending parenthood awaited us. I was living with my parents and fiance and it felt that my life was pretty much decided from here on.

I was overjoyed by pregnancy and going to be a mother but terrified of the consequences of living with a controlling bullying partner and bringing up a child in a hostile environment.

As much as I wanted out of the relationship at various times, I kept telling myself it takes two to make a relationship work and if I wasn't willing to make changes then I was just as bad as him.

Being in a mentally abusive relationship changes you more than you realise at the time. No matter what is done or said ad no matter how hard you try, nothing feels good enough. You feel weak, you feel inadequate and whilst much of you wants to leave, you feel that you are not strong enough to do it. You feel that you will only fail if you tried to do things yourself and at times, living a bad relationship just seems better than being alone. If you are with someone it's sort of a victory as no one else knows the real ins and outs of how it is behind closed doors. Even if I ever did leave I was reminded on a practically daily basis that if I left him no-one else would want me, especially with a child. My self esteem sunk lower and lower to a point it was easier to agree with him than start a fight. To just put my health and baby's health first and live as stress free as possible over the coming months.

It's always easy to judge someone and say "if they aren't happy they should leave". If only life was as simple as that....

Being pregnant lead to the insistance of us being married before the baby was born. His insistance I hasten to add. My family were cool with the situation but he wanted us to be married first.

So.... in September we married. I was 22 weeks pregnant and had my second scan a few days before my nuptials.I never told any of my family but the night before, I cried myself to sleep. I hurried through the wedding plans with no real interest thinking "that will do" due to a very tight budget and just the 6 weeks to plan it all in. We were not going to have a celebration after but my family insisted.

My best friend also married the same year as me and is looking forward to her 10th wedding anniversary this year.

Me? I'm looking forward to celebrating my third wedding anniversary in August. It may have taken a bit of time and a complete detour in life to celebrating a wedding anniversary but it's something I have learned over the years. You can't celebrate a relationship where you cannot be yourself.

By being myself I have found a wonderful like minded man, had 2 further children and have very much been enjoying part of a "couple" and family for over 5 years now.

Leaving my ex husband was the hardest yet BEST thing I have ever done in my life.

It took years to build up the courage to turn around and say I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I am worth more than this. My son is certainly more than this.

I will NEVER say I regret meeting him and having gone through some tumultous years for it is what has made me who I am today.

I've learnt a lot about myself, about what I want, what I need, what I won't accept in life. Most importantly I have learnt about who I am and who I want to be, not who and what someone else wants me to be.

When I look back 10 years, I see that young woman as someone else.  It's hard to believe that was me. That I was so controlled and limited in what I did in life by someone who claimed to love me.

Love isn't about making someone who you want them to be.

Love is about accepting someone as they are. Allowing them to be an individual as well part of a pair. To support them on lifes journey.

You accept one anothers flaws, you accept your differences and celebrate your things in common.

And most importantly, being happy with yourself means others will be happy with you too. Self acceptance is a big part of life and love. If you can be comfortable as the person you are then that's half the battle. 

Happy New Year

Happy new year to my dearest blog friends near and far.

I wish you all a very happy 2013 with lots of love, friendships, health and good luck.

2013 for me is a year of changes yet again. Life moves forward at an incredible rate sometimes.

This time last year I was a week away from James beginning nursery for the full 5 days a week. This year it's the turn of Liam. Next Tuesday I will be sending all 3 little boys off to school and it will be the beginning of that daily routine for the next 8 months. My little baby Liam will be attending playgroup full time, meaning he is  attending an educational facility every day like his big brothers. It may only be mornings but I am sure gonna miss that boy and it will be strange having EVERY morning to myself.

Once the summer holidays have been and gone, James will be in Reception. That's a FULL day of school and I will be back to the 3 school trips a day routine. Also in September Liam should be up to the nursery so I will have all 3 in the same school.

My little people are getting to be rather big people.

So what do I wish for and hope to achieve this year? I honestly don't know. I just want a happy healthy family. We had some breakthroughs in 2012 where we told Matthew did NOT have ADHD and Liam had a little keyhole surgery to check his previous hernia as he still had occassional swelling and I am still 99% sure I could feel the intestine. However, we were told he didn't have a repeat inguinal hernia. Strangely enough, since the keyhole surgery he hasn't had a repeat swelling at all. I'm still suspicious.Whatever it was and whatever we've been told, I am relieved that the issue is solved and that I no longer have Liams health a big worry.

This year, like every other, I would like to lose weight. It's never easy and it's a lifelong battle for me but it's something I won't feel happy about if I don't put in the effort. If I can just make a few healthy changes, it can make a big difference and once the children are back to school and I am walking alot more again, then all the better.

I miss the daily routines. The last couple of weeks have been long without structure. I feel like I need something to aim for alot of the time. I miss that structure. It will just be really strange once they are all in school. Unfortunately I will only have 2 hours between dropping the last one off and leaving to collect James so the morning will just disappear and may be just enough for me to do a quick trip into town or do the weekly shop at the supermarket.