Muddled

Every now and then, something happens that strikes fear into you and everything you have and have been working for become questionable and much more important than ever before.

I had one of those days yesterday.

I recieved one of those letters in the post which no-one wants to recieve.

You only manage to read certain words as all the other words on the page seem irrelevent.

smear test.

abnormal cells

changes to cells

severe dyskaryosis

unlikely to be cancer

further investigation

colposcopy

further treatment may be needed

It's like your brain goes into scan mode when you get that sort of letter. It takes a few readings to make more sense of it.

The panic builds and you phone the number at the bottom of the letter to arrange an appointment as they suggested.

I'm going to hospital for further tests July 21st.

I read up on my condition severe dyskaryosis. The cells of the cervix are not as they should be. The most information I have found on it has been under netmums.com and it appears to be rather common in the first twleve months of giving birth (most with their 3rd or 4th child) so I can't help but wonder if it's anything to do with the body repairing itself after birth. Of course, this isn't always the case but I'm finding it helps reading about other people who have had this.

The procedure of the colposcopy is like a more intensive smear test with binoculars and a torch. Chemicals are added to the affected area and the severity of the "bad cells" are assessed. It sounds as though I will need laser treatment to remove the problem cells and though they will never return after this treatment, I will need to be monitored more and have smear tests every 6 months for the next 2 years. Worst case scenario is that they do a biopsy too.

All the leaflets and sites do stress that smear tests arent to check for cancer but to look for problems that may lead to it in the future.

This condition is fairly common and it is treatable so it's not the end of the world just yet.

One in 5 smear tests need follow up investigations and this has been my fourth. I started getting tested young through choice.

As much as I try not to worry, it's hard not to. Somehow I managed to go through the day without crying about it. I did get a very shaky voice and welled up when I explained to bf and he's as supportive as ever. I couldn't really eat yesterday and I was wide awake at 4.30 this morning.

Only bf and my best friend know and I won't be worrying family with my medical scare until I have had the colposcopy and know more. The last person I want to know is my mum. She works in a hospice and works with the odd few percent whose further treatment mean bad news and I don't want to worry her unnecessarily.

Also both my nans have had cervical cancer. One lived to tell the tale. The other didn't. So I think I am just being cautious without thinking too much of the worst case scenario.

Saturday is my hen night and the last thing I want is people worrying about me. I'm not ill. I've had no bad symptoms, I just got test results I wasn't expecting.

I've never missed a smear test and though they are NOT pleasant, this just proves to me ever more how IMPORTANT it is to take care of your own health. To have the test where and when offered. If I can be treated now and have a better chance of survival in the future, then every little worry is worth it in the end.