Hopefully.....

Hopefully in 48 hours time, my hospital trip will be over and I can relax again.

I'm not feeling great about it at all. I hate anything medical and this really does feel like the worst thing ever. Giving birth is intimidating enough, smear tests are far from relaxing so having an in depth internal exam is really making me feel uneasy - even without thinking about the C word.

Anything bad seems to come back to the same thing with me.

I blame every little thing on my weight. I always have and I always will. Despite having healthy pregnancies overall, any blip was blamed on the same thing. In my head, it was always my fault - the blood pressure thing in pregnancies was because I was overweight, so was the gestational diebetes tests (that came to nothing). I felt I was letting myself and the babies down. The fact that this happens to thousands of healthy weight women daily didn't matter, I was/am fat and that's why my body was doing this to me.

I have come far but not far enough.

I would LOVE to get to 170lbs over time.

I don't want to be thin. I want to be healthy and I want to find a way out of this vicious circle where everything crap in my life isn't blamed on my size/weight.

I just need to know where to stop and find that plane of happiness.

Are any of us ever really happy with what we have though? In a world of plastic enhanced celebrities where perfection is everything, are we all trying to be something that is unachievable?

I have a friend I've known for several years. She was as big as I was at my biggest and went from a size 24 to a size 10 over time. Even at her ideal size and weight she wasn't happy. She found new problems. Food obsessions, the feeling of still not being perfect. Still having a body that wasn't what she wanted. I feel she is never going to be happy. She has recently gone back up to a size 14 and I personally think she looks better than ever although she feels fat and like shes let herself down slipping back to old ways.

I admire this woman and think she looks great. She looks healthy, she looks like she's enjoying life but she's still feeling bad about herself. I find that sad. I want to be happy and healthy, that's all I ask.