See Saw Marjory Daw......

My life seems to run like a see saw right now. Good day we go up - life is good. Bad day I crash down with a massive thud an end up with a rather bruised bottom.

First off is the good side of the past few days. These are my wedding flowers, I had a play around with these artificial flowers and got the look I wanted first time. I have diamante's in the roses. This will be my bouquet and the bridesmaids will be the same style but with 6 instead of 9 roses and a few less tulips. I need to do the ribbon on the stems but other than that, that will be my flowers complete. The nice thing about the artificial flowers is 1. I can do them in advance, it's one less last-minute job done and 2. They can be kept as keepsakes for us all.

Part 2.

My Mother.

I wouldn't say we have a bad relationship, but I'd certainly not call it good.

Over the years I have written time and time again about how things never get resolved. How as much as I try to get over problems with her, that nothing ever changes. Talking things over has never made any difference so once again we are back at the same point. Only this time I think I may have hit a raw nerve and she isn't talking to me.

A few days ago, I had had a particularly long stressful day. The kids were whining and hungry and I was cooking their dinners. My mum phoned with a message from my ex husband. Would I ring him when I get a chance to arrange to meet him and his mum with Matthew. His mum is coming over from Greece and wants to meet her grandson for the first time.

Endless times we've had the conversation on how I am not keen on doing this but I will do it because I won't deny a woman from meeting her own grandson (even if it has taken almost 7 years for her to come over - different issue, I won't go there now) So I am trying to be civil here.

40 minutes later, she is phoning me again. He's been on the phone again asking if I can phone him right away. I've just that second finished feeding the baby, the house is a tip, I need to clear up baby and house, wash up and do a million other jobs and I am getting it in the ear again.

I snap. Enough is enough. I tell her "he'll have to wait because I do actually have a life of my own and I will do it when I'm ready."

She starts to defend herself but the fuse in me has been SLOWLY burning for FIVE YEARS and had to come to a head at some point.

"You just seem to take his side all the time. I've had enough"

She just hung up on me.

I'm refusing to apologise.

I can't remember the last time she phoned to see how we are rather than pass on messages. She has driven to our house once. And even when bf was taken to hospital and I asked her to pick up Matthew from school so I could be at the hospital with him there was hesitation as she searched for an excuse. What did she come up with? I don't know if I can drive that far and I don't know where the school is to which I gave her directions.

I'm fed up of feeling bottom of the pile with everyone. Becky is the last person to be given any priority in the world.

There's been so many times that I've tried tactfully to explain that she isn't doing herself any good trying to be on friendly terms with him. I've even said how it makes me feel like I am being pushed out because she won't cut ties with my ex or tell him when to fuck off.

I stopped being scared of him when I kicked him out 5 1/2 years ago. She should stop being scared of him as well.

I just don't think anything will ever get through to my mother on how much she has hurt me over this over the years.

"I do it to make life easier on you" she would always tell me. Yeah? How? The only person it makes it easier on is herself. Matthew doesn't want to know his real dad. He's happy with THIS family. Not the abusive alcoholic that he spent the first year and a half with.

My mum might be happy to think he's changed as he "sounds a lot better these days" but I'm not that willing to forgive and forget.

She might be happy enough to move on, but she seems to forget that this suddenly "doting dad" desperate to see his son didn't actually contact his son for 7 months.

He also threatened to kill me and his son when we split up.

She might be happy to forget that but I sure as hell do NOT forget such things.

Too many time I have tried to explain how I feel about how she upsets me over the whole contact thing and now it just feels that because I haven't called him when he wants me to, then she is HARRASSING me on HIS BEHALF. She doesn't want to see it from my point of view in the slightest.

When we moved he hadn't been in touch for over 6 months. We don't want him to have our phone number or address as he is nothing but a giant problem and he can't switch on and off being a dad as to when he feels like it. I have contacted him since we moved and I agreed to let him see Matthew. He didn't know when he could do it. This bloody man!!!! If you don't know when you can see him, don't fucking ask!!! Even when we had agreed a visit in the past he's cancelled. He is as unreliable as you like.

I've never stopped him seeing his son so he can never accuse me of that.

My mum just "thinks" this and that and blah blah. She isn't the one that has to deal with him. She isn't the one who has to deal with an upset Matthew when his dad doesn't contact him. When he doesn't get a present for his birthday or christmas from his dad.

"Maybe he's short on money".
"Yes mother, we're all short on money. It's Christmas we're in recession, but I am getting all my kids a christmas present or two cos it's what parents do."

There always seems to be an excuse for him.

I stopped giving into him when I left him. I'm not going to keep running around after him for the rest of my life. If my mother chooses to do so, then that's up to her but I am not apologising for my words as I only said what's been said enough times before and whilst I can understand she may be fed up of him calling her, she has made it her own doing telling him to call her whenever he feels like it. She is NOT his mother in law anymore and CAN just walk away but she wont.

I didnt want him to have my number as I have had enough harrassment over the years, so the last thing I want is my mum to be harrassing me instead.

It's not like I've never raised this issue before. It's been said so many times and I have enough other stuff to worry about right now without my family being an issue.

I didn't even get to eat that night as I was half crying over life and the other half seething.

I give up on my whole family right now.

I thought they were the people I should rely on for support.

At least BF understands.