One of Those Things We Don't Talk About

EIGHT years ago today I married for the first time.

At 20 weeks pregnant I had an ivory lace dress, a pearl tiara and some orange, yellow and white flowers.

No bridesmaids, no page boys, no big guest list.

Only my family and a handful of our closest friends attended.  I think there were around 16 people at the registry office.

Never ONCE did I meet any of my ex husbands family apart from 1 cousin. They didn't even attend the wedding.

The wedding was short and sweet and we only had the wedding on that day. At the weekend we had a reception with many friends and distant family attending.

Things were never good with us.

Even then, looking back, if I hadn't been pregnant and trying to do what I thought would be best for my unborn baby, I wouldn't have married him.

You know the saying "Stuck between a rock and a hard place". That was me in 2003.

I was almost 23 and should have known better. 

I didn't really want to marry him but it seemed the better option at the time. The lesser of two evils.

I could have not married him, I could have walked away and accepted life as a single mum from day 1 but I wanted to offer my baby a family life. I wanted to offer him 2 parents.

So I chose to temporarily forget about the emotional blackmail, the verbal abuse, the accusations that it wasn't his baby, that I was seeing someone else, that I got pregnant to trap him. I had every accusation under the sun thrown at me.

It didn't get any better after we married. I didn't expect it to.

His paranoia grew worse and once we had our son, he became more jealous than before. As much as he loved his son, he was resentful that he got less attention.

When Matthew was 9 weeks old he got sick and had to be kept in a Paediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) at a top London Childrens Hospital.

Of course, it was my fault he was ill. I let him get sick. I wasn't looking after him properly.

Every single thing I did was wrong, Every single thing I did I was made to feel a failure yet with the nature of abusive relationships, I was made to feel I was lucky to be married to someone and not be a complete failure of having no relationship at all.

Not being able to forgive him for blaming me for Matthew being so ill, I asked him to leave. We were still living with my parents and he went to stay with friends.

We'd been married a little over 6 months.

As Matthew recovered he played the doting father.

I felt guilty for depriving my son of having his dad around and we gave it another go.

The arguments we had were explosive, I couldn't feel comfortable with him around. I looked forward to him going to work and dreaded his days off. I slipped into a form of depression and found it harder and harder to live with him. Yet the thought of living without him had me fearing that I would fail my son.

He would disappear for a couple of days on end. I would get calls from his work why he wasn't in. I couldn't really explain to them that he had gone out with friends and was probably on a drinking bender. I never knew how long he'd be gone for or what sort of mood he would be in when he returned.

He always denied having a drink problem. To me the drink was the MAJOR problem, he didn't always see it that way. He'd drink when down, he'd drink when happy. Drinking was his habit.

He never knew that I knew about his 1/2 a bottle of vodka a day that he picked up on the way to work.

Being the optimist I wanted him to change. I wanted to help him change. It was my job wasn't it? I was his wife after all. I was expected to support him and I tried so hard at times. Only to be told repeatedly he didn't have a drink problem but I had no life because "that baby" was more important than the person I used to be. The fun girl he fell for.

The more crap I felt about my life, the more my weight crept up. He had the drink problem, mine became food.

I felt a failure to myself. For not being strong for myself.

I felt a failure to Matthew. For not being a better mother, for not being strong enough for him.

When we moved out of my parents home in May 2005, Matthew was 15 months old.

I hoped the new home would be a new start.

It turned out to just be a new set of problems.

Matthew never witnessed any of the troubles but he was scared of his dad by this age. Ex husband would lift him up high and Matthew was seriously uncomfortable. When I did it, he would laugh and laugh and laugh. His dad - often wobbly from drink - didn't realise he was scaring Matthew. Of course it was my fault he was scared, I was turning his son away from him.

In August of that year things turned violent. An argument resulted in me throwing him out and me recieving a bloody nose and a black eye.

Even then it wasn't easy to just walk away.

I did get used to living as a single mother. However, another night of begging from him and tears on both parts had us get back together within 2 months.

Things were a little better for a while but things turned ugly often.

In April 2006 a fiery row led to me throwing my wedding and engagement rings at him telling him I hated him, how he tried to control me and everything in my life. Everytime I went anywhere I had a barrage of questions, who was I with? who did I see? who did I talk to? how long did I take? I was fed up of it all.

In his rage he threw my rings over a neighbours fence. I never saw them again.

Mentally this was a massive breakthrough for me.

Without a wedding ring I wasn't a wife. I wasn't HIS wife so why should I put up with any more of this!?

A week or so later as April turned to May, he became violent again. This time, he tried to strangle me in front of Matthew. Tearfully I called the emergency services out of fear for him to hit me so I dropped the phone. He ripped the phone from the socket as I tried to again call for help and smashed my mobile phone. I hit back and told him to get out of my life for good. Needless to say he'd been drinking. He calmly put on his coat and walked out. I fixed the phone called the police who had already sent an emergency car round since my 999 call had and been violently interrupted and they couldn't get through on attempts to call me back.

I chose to press charges this time. I had bruises on my arms and neck where I had been pushed and pulled around. He arrived back at the house during my police statement and not following the advice of the policeman refused to leave. Within 5 minutes two backup police cars were outside my house to arrest him. He had been drinking even more and was arrested on my stairs for assault on me, and for assaulting a policeman who tried to restrain him.

Early next morning, I was in my solicitors office talking things through with her to start divorce proceedings. She hurried out an emergency injunction meaning he couldn't come within 200m of me or the house for 12 months or he would be arrested and retained. It was better than nothing. As he left he'd threatened to kill both myself and Matthew. Threatening to break into the house and burn it down while we slept. That same day my locks were changed.

I had to make arrangements so he could have access to see Matthew but because he wasn't allowed near me or my house, so my mum took Matthew for Tuesday afternoons so he could see Matthew once a week. After a couple of months that stopped as he was jealous that Matthew wanted to play more with his uncle and grandparents than him.

Several months later I was called to court for his assault and he pleaded guilty and was ordered to pay me damages. It wasn't alot and it wasn't what I was after, I just wanted him to realise what he did was wrong and that he wasn't above the law. I just wanted to show him back that I was a stronger person without him and that I would not take things lightly.

Leaving my ex was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life.

It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and Matthew but I would never say I wish it hadn't happened.

Whilst I wish Matthew had had a better start to his life, I've survived. We've survived.

I believe that in life, bad things happen so that when good things happen we realise how lucky we are. We get through the tough times and it strongly shapes us as individuals.

I don't know if I believe in fate but if I hadn't had those years with my ex husband then maybe I wouldn't have the family I have now. I do believe that things happen at certain times for a reason and had I not been with my ex then I wouldn't have got to the point I am now.

I am a better person for it all. I instantly became a better mother, I became a stronger person and I learnt so much on my journey.

Of course, this is all the super-condensed side of the story. The pinpoint times where things were really hard. I could almost write a book on my failed marriage.

Eight years ago today, my wedding day certainly was not the happiest day of my life that far. It was one of the most scary. My future was filled with fear and uncertainty. It was that fear and uncertainty that made me marry him. Damned if I did, Damned if I didn't.

Now, every day I look forward to my future. I am lucky with the way life has turned round in just a few years.

I won't ever forget those years but I have so learned to value the good in my husband and kids.

Domestic abuse goes on in all walks of life, with almost as many men suffering from abuse as women, that's just even more unsaid.  It's not the violence that's the hardest thing to live with but the mental wearing away to a point a person feels so useless and vulnerable that they begin to believe that they are lucky to be with this person rather than be alone.

This has been a hard post to write and taken me a long time  (not to mention this about the 5th edit in 10 minutes) but I don't want to be pitied. I don't even want to be congratulated on getting out of a bad situation. I don't often delve into the depths of this and to be quite honest, I have forgotten so much. Partially through choice, partially because it was a part of every day life so I will stop there.

Finally - In True Jerry Springer style is a final thought from someone who lived to tell the tale.

People who stay in this sort of  destructive relationship don't do it because they are weak - They just haven't yet discovered how strong they can be.