STRESSED With A Capital S

I've had this window open for over an hour wondering where to start. There's things I want to say but at the same time, I don't.

I suppose I should start with Matthew.

Last Wednesday I went to his parents evening. He is doing very well in maths and science but is still behind in writing though improving slowly. I know he tries hard and I cannot ask for more than that. However, his new teacher did raise concerns about his behaviour. Not that he's particularly badly behaved but because he finds it hard to settle. He can be incredibly disorganised and loses focus easily. He doesn't interrupt the class but he will shout out answers and give additional information that they haven't yet got to. Matthews mind is ahead all the time and his knowledge is crazy for a boy his age. He's highly excitable, likes to be the centre of attention and is rarely still. Because of all this his teacher continued to explain that "no-one likes being labelled but it would probably be worth looking further into this". Immediately my heart sunk but I felt so relieved at the same time. I asked if she thought he had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and she just said that at the age Matthew is at now he should be alot more settled in class.

I went on to explain how I have been concerned about his behaviour for years only to be fobbed off over and over by being told by teachers and health professionals that it's too early to tell and it's highly likely something he will grow out of. I always feared it was more than that. More so since having the two younger boys as even to this day it is much easier taking care of the two babies than it is taking care of Matthew on a daily basis. I explained how I have ALWAYS taken great care in asking his previous teachers about his behaviour. I needed to know how he was behaving at school and for every time they said it was probably just his age, I felt more and more useless as a mum and that I was looking for excuses.

I explained I first noticed it when he was around 2, his behaviour still was not good at pre-school and whilst he has improved greatly over the past few years, I still find certain situations hard and I feel so guilty that I have not been able to get him help, get myself help and that my silent fears and screams have been ignored for close to 6 years.

She was very understanding and looked sympathetic, I felt defeated. I could feel the tears welling up and I know my voice changed. I am sure she sensed that. She suggested that after these holidays I do a questionairre on Matthews behaviour at home. She said it wasn't anything too severe just asking a few questions about restlessness and if he has a temper.

Some days I am close to tears with Matthews behaviour. If I say something to him once I have to say it a dozen times, I feel so useless. I feel that I am always on at him and occassionally I regret to say it that I lose my temper and end up saying all the things I shouldn't. I've been known to call him stupid when I know he is far from that, and my biggest fault is speaking before I think - especially when angry and upset. 

It sounds terrible but I do think Matthew sometimes brings out the worst in me.

I love that boy to bits, he's my oldest boy. My first born son but whilst I love him I could sometimes just cry with frustration and on occassions, I really DO NOT like the person he sometimes is.

I feel a really bad mother.

Especially since the two younger boys are so much calmer, relaxed and enjoyable to be around.  I feel that I do give them more attention and treats that Matthew and that this does not help. I know I often favour them over Matthew and fear that this is making things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, and mothers shouldn't admit it but there is a difference when it comes to loving your kids - I just hope it isn't visible to all.  I feel bad enough about it already.

Weekends and school holidays are additional stress and I hate feeling like this. I love Matthew, I just feel that I would love him more if he behaved "better".

I am not here to run my son down but I am only just touching the iceberg on the difficulties I can have. 

I worry about him. He seems to completely lack common sense and whilst he will be 8 in January he seems to have no road sense despite me repeatedly telling him the same things over and over.

He has the sweetest nature, he loves his little brothers so much and I can't help but feel I have let him down for so long. 

I've asked about his behaviour so many times, I've taken it well and been hopeful when there have always been signs of improvement but why didn't I just ask for help properly?

I suppose that after the questionnaire, he will be referred to a doctor and it will be looked at more in depth there but whilst I want him better I don't like the thought of my 7 year old son on medication. I just hope it's not that severe. I control his diet to involve fresh home cooked foods and try to keep sugar and preservatives to a minimum but it's obviously not working.

Whilst I feel bad that it's taken to year 3 for someone to actually take me seriously I feel that maybe I should have pushed more. Though the reality is that I didn't want to think there was something wrong with Matthew and that most kids his age every now and then drive their mothers crazy!

As bad as I feel that the teachers see it, it's a relief that it's not just me and hubby that find this is not how things should be. And although I would never want anything to be wrong with him in any way, a definite diagnosis could help us all as a family so much and we can begin to move on to making his life easier for him too. 

Now it's just a case of wait and see.

Also last week, adding to my stresses, I had to take Liam to the doctors on Friday. He had an inguinal hernia as a baby and it was operated on when he was a mere 9 weeks old. For anyone who doesn't understand an inguinal hernia, it's basically a weakness in the wall of the stomach which means that his intestine protrudes and appears as a lump in the groin area. He had this stomach wall repaired and all was well. 

Until summer. 

On our summer holiday this year I noticed a swelling in the same place. We were always taught that light circular massage would put the intestine back in place but if it ever did not go back then the risk of strangulation of the intestine was high and could cause serious damage or death. So, on holiday it was there a couple of mornings. It went away again. It happened a couple more times in September. By the time I got an appointment with the Doctor, it had gone and was showing no problems. 

However, in the last couple of weeks it has been back again and I am now getting worried as it is becoming more frequent. So we went off to the Doctors, spoke it through with her and explained about my main concern being the frequency of the swelling so she has written off to both our local hospital and the childrens hospital where Liam had his surgery to discuss the best treatment from here.

Realistically, I think we are looking at a second repair op. The operation involved a small incision and his stomach muscle being glued. Sometimes they use a netting device to stop the intestine getting through but I am not sure if they did that or not. Either way, despite the first operation, It doesn't appear to be perfectly healed and it is highly probable that things will get worse and will have more of an effect on his health. For now it isn't affecting his eating or causing him any pain but he is finding the massage a little uncomfortable at times. So I do feel that we may be having a day or two in hospital before Christmas to get this sorted out. If it's becoming more frequent now, then I don't see it easing off.

So I guess that's why I haven't said much the last few days. Part of me wanted to avoid this post entirely but writing could have me look back in 6 months and see the difference. Who knows?