Goodbye 2010

Every year seems to be a year of changes in recent years.

Someone said once that "The only constant in life is change." That certainly is true from where I am standing.

2010 will certainly go down as a memorable year.

Things have been very good in many ways but there have still been those shit scary moments.

Early in the year my great uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumour, he died around a month later.

Shortly after moving into our new home, hubby was hospitalised with his diabetes as the doctor at the local surgery wasn't happy with his high blood levels.

A little later in the year I had my first ever health scare myself as I recieved the news that abnormal cells had been found in my latest smear test. A month later I recieved treatment and the cells were removed. I am now due a repeat smear test as it's already been 6 months since that time. It's certainly something I will be doing next week. As horrid and invasive as they are, they save lives. They give us the warnings before things are left too late. I will never be able to stress that enough. As terrifying as it was at the time, I'm glad the problem was found and fixed as far as they could at the time possible.

I end 2010 being in my thirties with a new name, a new marital status and a new home.

Hubby has a new job.

Life is great.

With moving house, comes moving on and accepting a larger change.

Friendships alter. Some almost wither away completely. I guess that's part of growing older too.

Obviously one of the highlights of 2010 was moving house to a beautiful village and getting to meet a number of new lovely people. Long Melford has recently been voted in the top 20 of the most happy villages to live in the UK and trust me, there are hundreds of them. I for one am much happier here than I was in Colchester. Life is very much slower but now I am alot more used to it, it really is slower in a good way.

Where the little block of houses are on the right just above the bright green field, my house is about 2mm up from there. Not quite in the main village but it feels much more rural with the fields around us.

The other highlight of course was when I stopped being a Ms, and became a Mrs. It's already been just over 4 months since I got married. That's a third of a year done already!!! Crazy.

We have also had some lovely holidays this year. Some alone and some with the kids.

I am looking forward to the new year and hope it is almost as good as this year has been in certain ways and better than other things in other ways.

I have had 2 friends give birth in the past week or so, 3 friends due to give birth the first week of January and over the christmas week I've heard announcements for 2 summer babies so I am very eager for 2011 to bring alot of happiness to a few families in the coming year.

I would love to see a little baby boom next year, I think there are a few people out there who really deserve the happiness that a baby can bring and I am behind them every step of the way.

There was also the birth of this blog this year. Thank you for reading my pages over the past months.

I wish you all health, happiness, love and luck in 2011.

Its Been A Long Time Coming

It has been 5 years and 9 months since I left my parents home.

For 5 years and 2 months at the old house and 7 months here, we've been short on something rather important.

We have now finally got a form of bedroom storage going on.

For getting on for 6 years I have lived from a bundle of folded clothes in a corner. Now we can finally get the house around a litte bit more and I can have some well needed organisation. Which for a clean and tidy, obsessive and organised to-the-point-of-almost-being-annoying- virgo/libran is a living nightmare

So here's a peek inside my bedroom.

The walls are called "Jazzberry" it's a raspberry/plum colour and we need a second coat on the walls. I don't know if I would could it pink or purple but it's dark. Like the living room we can get away with deep colours due to the high ceilings and the white edge around the top of the room.

The floor is painted "granite grey" and looks pretty good. (its slightly more visible in upper picture)

The little chest in view is completely full of the kids things but I took a little time to make it look a bit more special and a bit more me.

My wedding flowers tie in perfectly and I've always loved the little Me To You teddies.

It won't take a lot to finish the room. I'd like new bedding, some dark curtains and a picture or two on the walls.

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd woken up in a hotel, it certainly didn't feel like my bedroom. It was so smart.

I have spent half my day putting all things that need to be put away into the wardrobe or the kids box. I've been a busy woman!

I will certainly be starting 2011 a little more happy with the house and having achieved something that has taken almost 6 years to attain. It feels good to be almost there.

Christmas Day. A Photo Entry.

So then friends and followers, I hope you all had joyful exciting christmasses. I certainly did.

The kids were spoilt, we ate too much, I had a few glasses of wine, the kids got to play toys all morning and it was lovely not being tied to the clock.

Christmas at home certainly had it's benefits. The babies were able to have a rest before dinner in their bedroom without us having to worry about heading off to someone elses for dinner.

The dinner went great. Turkey cooked well, the veg all came out perfect and we were truly stuffed by the end.

I recieved some lovely gifts. The necklace in the picture to the left is part of a set the kids got me. I also have matching heart stud earrings to match, not visible but the are really sweet. Hubby bought me a coffee maker. I've been wanting one for a while so was TRULY impressed with that. My mum and dad gave me a set of cooking oils and some earrings as well as some money to spend. Hubbys dad and wife gave me some luxury hand creams and a giant box of chocolates. My brother and his girlfriend got me some make up and cranberry scented bath things.

The rest of the family gave me and hubby money so we can go on a shopping spree soon.I have already purchased a black kettle and toaster to match the coffee maker, The old ones were at points where they were looking old and worn so it was the perfect time to change.

In a couple of weeks we will be having a second christmas at my mother in laws where we will have another christmas dinner, and more presents that have been held back so the kids get to experience christmas all over again. There will be us, mother in law, sister in law, brother and law with his wife and hubbys grandparents I think. It will be busy! The day we are doing it is also 2 days before Matthews birthday, so someone really be a spoilt little boy I should imagine.

Speaking of which, He was truly impressed with all his football clothing, here he is in his Colchester United team shirt. Looking as proud as ever.

The little ones had A LOT.

It took around 30 minutes to take off all wrapping paper and around 1 hour 20 minutes to remove all toys from the lovely packaging they get hidden in.

Christmas dinner is always fun with little boys and my little boys love their roast dinners!

Liam will always eat a good dinner. He loves all food except tomatoes.

And where is the fun in christmas if you cannot have fun with a mini christmas tree!

In the afternoon we went over to my mums where we caught up with my parents, brother, his girlfriend and her little girl. The kids got more snacks and chocolate. Somehow, Liams clothes remained clean, unlike his little face.

James amused himself with the extra presents we got at my mums. My bro and his family had bought them over on the day so the kids had a bit more to play with. We stayed on and had tea with everyone and just let all the kids play together for a while.

All kids were tired little souls by the time we left at 9pm. James and Liam had been up since around 7am and did incredibly well.

 

Lovely little Liam proved me wrong and is still not quite walking. He just hasn't got that final bit of confidence to let go! Though, the speed he moves around on the floor or holding onto things, mobility certainly is NOT an issue at all.

We had a wonderful day and I do think it was incredibly special this year. I can't say just why exactly but I loved all of it. Lets hope the last few days of December remain as good.

Christmas Eve 2010.

Christmas Joys
Evergreen boughs that fill our homes
With fragrant Christmas scents,
Hearts filled with the loving glow
That Christmas represents;  Christmas cookies, turkeys stuffed,
Festive holly berry,
Little faces bright with joy,
Loved ones being merry;  Parties, songs, beribboned gifts,
Silver bells that tinkle,
Christmas trees and ornaments,
Colorful lights that twinkle;  Relatives waiting with open arms
To smile and hug and kiss us;
These are some of the special joys
That come along with Christmas.  By Joanna Fuchs  It's that time already. Christmas eve is more than half gone and I have been a busy young woman today.

I sincerely love christmas.

This is the first year I have done christmas. We're in a new home as a new family so it's nice to start married life off with something new and exciting.

Today I have done alot of my food preparation for tomorrow. The turkey is defrosted, spiced braised cabbage ready for reheating tomorrow, sausage rolls made just need to be baked so hubby comes home to a warm snack. Chestnuts are roasted. Vegetables peeled and ready to cook. All little things, but little things that won't have me tied to the stove all day tomorrow. I get the morning and time with the kids rather than spend the whole day in the kitchen.

All presents are all hidden in the outhouse and the cupboard under the stairs ready to go under the tree when the kids are in bed tonight. There will be a lot of things for them to open, I don't know how we'll fit it all in one little corner of the room.

I have given out the ideas for presents to people but here is a list of christmas wishes.

1. I wish for all those who have suffered a loss of some kind this year to find a few hours for happiness, a little time for reflection doesn't hurt this time of year but it's a time for celebration and loving what is around us right now.  Remember and Love whats not there, but remember to love the current days too.
2. I wish for everyone to have good health.
3. I wish for a few christmas miracles. A few christmas babies in particular. I know of a few babies due in the next couple of weeks and I know of people trying for babies. I wish all sets of people all the best.
4. I wish for families to be close, to enjoy one another and to get some much needed time together.
5. I wish for safe journeys for anyone making the smallest of trips.
6. I wish for my christmas dinner to go as I have it planned in my mind.
7. I wish for my kids to enjoy thier day. I know they will, but I can't wait to see the real excitement in their faces tomorrow.
8. I wish for a happy christmas to all.

Winter In London

Hyde Park London, 19th December

It's Thursday so it feels a little late to write about the weekend. Yet it was exciting and beautiful and deserves a mention and a few pictures.

On Saturday, hubby and I had a trip to London and spent the night in the West End (the nice end). It was fairly last minute as we only booked the hotel last Thursday.

We left home with lots of greenery. Almost toour train station we were faced with blizzards and arrived to 5inches of snow.  It was chaotic getting the tube trains but we visited Covent Garden, Regent Street and Bond Street (The main shopping streets of London), Trafalgar Square was boarded off so we didn't see much. We took a walk around the famous Hamleys toy shop, 5 floors of toys. The kids would have loved it. Just not the crowds. In the evening we dined at a mexican restaurant with hubbys bro and sister in law. We then visited a couple of bars and a comedy club before returning around 2am to our hotel.

Back Entrance to The Hilton

We stayed in The Hilton Hotel at Paddington and it was a very nice room. Not as posh as I expected and looked a little worn but when it is something so well used it must be hard to refurbish at any time of year. We were very lucky to get the room at the price we did. We got a £330 room for around £70 as we booked through a late booking company. It was a gamble we took since we didn't know where we were going due to them not publicising what Hotel they were offering until the booking had been placed. The public areas were beautifully and tastefully decorated.

Hyde Park Christmas Market

The morning after, we walked through Hyde Park and thier winter wonderland fayre and market. It was a beautiful walk through the snowy park. Everything seemed to be in monochrome as white was everywhere and the things standing out were black silhouttes.

A touring big wheel dominated the skyline as we approached the market.

We made our way through the park and had a good look around Harrods department store which was just too massive to do the whole thing. We particularly liked the food court, from speciality teas and coffees, to chocolates, to a sit down caviar bar, a sushi bar and an ice cream and soda parlour. It was quite something and something I would certainly tell any London visitors to try and see.

So, beyond the trip to London, we've been super busy with the kids and christmas preparations. I do hope I get a chance to do a quick update tomorrow evening between the food preparations, putting a small truckload of presents under the tree and eating a mince pie or two on santas behalf. If not, I wish you all the very best for the festive celebrations.

Merry christmas to all. 

Matthew

"Mummy. Does Santa really exist?" Matthew asked me on the way to school yesterday morning. "Just some older kids say that it's not Santa that brings presemts but mums and dads."

Faced with 2 choices I debate whether to tell the truth. He is nearly 7, he's heard it in the playground, I won't be killing the magic of christmas as he heard it elsewhere, I'd just be the one who confirmed his fears.

"Forget what the other kids say Matthew, what do you believe? Do you believe in Santa?"

"Of course I do mummy, those big kids just want to upset us smaller ones!" he explains "And  I believe in the tooth fairy, God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the desciples even Judas who got Jesus murdered."

My son is a great believer it appears.

"I believe in ghosts and aliens and UFO's too you know."

Matthew has moved into a rather religious school. Though none of us in the household are religious in any form Matthew will often talk about God, creation and so forth and offer prayers at the most random of times. The other day he wanted to pray before he put his socks on. He sits in the back of the car and wants to pray. He's a very thoughtful little thing.

I don't want Matthew to grow out of Santa just yet. He's still only 6. (7 next month but thats not the point) I want the magic to remain in christmas for all 3 of my boys as long as possible.

Yesterday I saw him in his nativity play. At LAST! It's his third year of doing them and the first year I have been able to see it since he was ill for the past two performances. He did really well, singing loud and clear, he did his dance, he did fantastic. I could have a real little star in the making. His role was as a wise man and part of his act was to ride a camel through the desert, he did very well on his pretend camel and danced as he was shown. My great little fella.

December Is Going TOO Fast This Year.

Do not be fooled.

She may look innocent but boy is she being hard work! Give me another baby any day.

Babies do not destroy clothes, break things or attack other kids until they are much older.

We will get there.

This weekend will be the first time we can take her out for a walk, so hopefully this will burn off some excess energy. Because of the snow, she didn't want to be outside and running about too much earlier this week but now we are warming up a little (we're out of minus figures) then it can only be good.

The past week has been filled with christmas shopping and getting out and about on hubbys days off. We are all done apart from a present for his grandparents. We bought them a camera but it doesn't work so we will have to return it and get another one which is a major pain but then we are done completely.

On Saturday my baking skills are needed. I have promised to make my niece (my brothers girlfriends little girl) a cake for her 4th birthday. I like the idea of girl cakes more. I have the design set in my mind, I just need to do it. I will take pics I promise. We are spending some of the afternoon at theirs back in Colchester as we've all been invited to a birthday tea party. We just need to find C a nice girly present.

We have a lot going on all of a sudden. Tomorrow is hubbys christmas dinner for his works do. It's a day thing and he is on call so will probably be off working directly after.

Next week I am going to watch Matthews Nativity play at school. I am looking forward to this. I've never seen him in a school play yet, since he got ill at the time of the last two at his old school. So I am really keeping my fingers crossed that this year is not the third time it happens. Today they were doing a dress rehearsal for the other kids in the school. His main performances are this Friday and Monday. I am going to the latter. Then on the 17th, he finishes for christmas and the rest of 2010. This year really has disappeared. He has also been invited to take part in the carol service at the village church on Saturday but we already had plans and have to start delivering some christmas presents.

It's hard to believe that in just over a month my big man is going to be 7 years old. Wow.

It's now been over a year since my little hero boy has seen his dad. It's been over 2 months since we last heard from him. He did disappear between October and May last year too and he just hasn't tried that much this year. I am far from complaining! I just don't want him to be trying to get in and out of Matthews life and messing him about. Matthew has a happy family unit at home, he's happy and doesnt like talking to him anyway. It seems very strained and Matthew doesn't have time for a man who doesn't make the effort with him. He does have a way of disappearing at the most important times of Matthews life (ie christmas and birthday season) so promises are broken and Matthew has a good memory. I do think that since we have moved out of Essex, he has realised we are further away than ever and he is accepting we've all moved on. He needs to do the same.

Next Saturday, me and hubby are having a date night. It's been a few months since the last one and it will do us good to have a night out before christmas and enjoy the festive spirit with a few festive spirits and probably a meal out.

Phew, I think I have just about caught up.

Here's a photo of my two babies to end.

 

I love it!!!!

Learning Fast

Britain is currently in the grip of a big freeze.

We've been in minus temperatures for days and much of the country is in inches of snow.

Where we live, we've avoided the worst.

Where we live, the local council is amazing.

Where our old town Colchester is a mass of chaos 18 miles away with many school and road closures, our roads and pavements are clear as my photo shows.

Yesterday, I dropped Matthew at school and I passed a number of council workers gritting the pavements ready for the next possible load of snow fall. This was at 9am in the morning and there wasn't any snow or ice that were a hazzard to pedestrians or road users alike.

I mentioned it to the lady who runs the library kids group on a Tuesday afternoon on how well this council worked compared to Colchester. "Well" she said with a smile "Let's just say Melford is a very wealthy area. The council can't have the villagers being inconvenienced with a little snow."

I was surprised to hear it from a local but I've been amazed by how much this village is so different to Colchester. This village seems to have so much people power compared to a town. It's just unbelievable that a place with only a population of 3000 (approx) can be so well maintained compared to the 104,000 in Colchester. It's crazy.

Other than the snow, the week began well. The weekend was better.

On Saturday, we left the boys with my mum as we headed off on a kid free day out. Hubby first drove his mum to London. We offered to give her a lift to Wandsworth, central London as she was returning hubby's brother's dogs home. She had been dog sitting all week since bro and sister in law were in America celebrating Thanksgiving with her family. (She's originally from New York). So we took pity on mother in law having to take 2 lively dogs on trains and busses all across London and took them there direct. The dogs were great in the car and slept most of the journey. Once in the right place, we headed off to a furniture superstore to decide what wardrobes we are going to order. We had the idea we'd seen online but wanted to see them in action. That made up our minds 100%.

We then took a trip into the Essex town of Basildon and got a few christmas presents done.

On Saturday we took the kids into Colchester. It was cold, but hadn't started snowing in our neck of the world just yet. Matthew really enjoyed his day. Especially when he got to be photographed with his football teams mascot Eddie The Eagle.

He was so pleased and proud. Love him. Dressed out in the Colchester United club strip, he did look warmer than what I felt. We have got Matthew the football shirt as his main christmas present this year. Matthew seems to be over toys and into nothing more than football, football games on the PS3 and the occassional book. His reading is brilliant, his spelling is rather good, he just needs to master writing. He's trying so hard and I can't ask for more than that but I want him to succeed and hope he gets there soon. I am so proud of that boy.

Sunday I also got to the point I couldn't wait any longer so up went the christmas tree. Matthew even left the PS3 long enough to help me. So the tree this year is kiddy friendly but traditional.

Baubles, presents, crackers, pine cones, candy canes, tinsel, flashing lights and snowflakes adorn the plastic tree. A star sits on the top.

The kids love it. We've already lost a couple of presents as James was curious as to what was inside the shiny giftwrapped boxes but it's all ok for now.

Rosie is becoming a lively little soul. She loves to run round the garden in the snow. She doesn't mind her little paws getting cold and wet. She is doing really well settling in. We do of course have the odd little nip and all that but she's getting there. It will hopefully ease up more so in the coming weeks. I'm looking forward to being able to take her out for walks soon. She needs to get the exercise and is yet to stumble across another dog. But it will all be good once we are up to date on the injections and she can get some proper exercise in.

Not Every Day.....

Why is it that the phone will always ring when you are in the bath?

Today was no exception.

This time it was hubby. He had forgotten something he needed for work so rang to ask if I could have it ready for him when he called home in a few minutes.

Being the dutiful happy wife I obliged.

When he arrived at the door, I was wrapped in just a towel. Passing over his work item, I couldn't help but smile,

"There you go darling, it's not every day your wife greets you at the door virtually naked."

He turned away with a smile on his face and I shut the door with a smile on mine.

Simple Things

In general I am a very happy person. I appreciate things in my life and I am happy.

Some of the things that really make me happy are the most simple things.

Cooking, reading, sitting down with a drink at the pc. The things we can take for granted do bring a feeling of happiness.

My favourite time of day and the thing that brings the first smile to my face most mornings is when I open the bedroom door to where the babies sleep.

"Mum, Hiya!" a huge smile beams across James's face. Still looking a little sleepy and all cute in his pj's - blanket in hand.

"Mum-mum-mum-mum-ma" smiles Liam as he bounces up and down peering over the edge of his cot.

Picking Liam up first, he snuggles in tight. His body tight to my shoulder, his cheek against mine. That's one of the best cuddles I get.

James walks through his room and waits at the top of the stairs for me to get down the first two. Now at the right height I scoop him up into my other arm and I get a little kiss.

It's the same every day but reminds me just why I love this little life of mine, and these little boys as much as I do.

 I also like school collection time. Matthew is just so grown up now. It's like having an adult around sometimes. He is learning so much about so many things but mainly football. The football speak does get repetitive and does drive me crazy, but it's part of Matthew and I love that boy to bits.

Cous Cous Recipe

On the right I have added a ticker.

I have lost 4lb this week (with the help of a sickness bug midweek). 4lb of the 14lb I wish to lose before christmas. I have 5 weeks to do 10lb and my confidence is soaring.

I have set off on the right foot. I have my food in order, the exercise is daily routine that adds up quickly and all I can do is what I have time for with 3 kids, a husband, a house and a dog to care for. At the moment that equates to 50 mins medium walk 2 x a day. (8 WW bonus points worth - I do not trade them in for extras)

I am the type of person who eats to feel satisfied.

I eat to feel good.

I eat good food.

I try to eat my biggest meal at lunchtime so I have time to burn it off over the rest of the day and have a smaller evening meal with extra salad.

I've never been slim, yet I am educated on food and I know what I should do, it's just not always easy. The nicest foods are always the baddest.

So stealing the idea from one of my favourite bloggers, I thought I would share todays lunch and a basic recipe for a Healthy Filling Lunch.

    Roasted Spicy Vegetable Couscous-Meditteranean Style

Take a selection of your favourite vegetables that you have sitting around.

I used:

2 medium onions (cut into segments, half, then quarter like an orange then cut in half again)
8 mushrooms quartered or halved depending on size
a good handful and a half of cherry tomatoes
1 red pepper
1 yellow pepper
a good pinch of chilli flakes (I'm a chilli fiend)
2 tbsp olive oil.

Roast in the oven gas mark 7 (220oC) for around 20 minutes. Longer if you prefer your veg well done but I like mine with a little bite to them. (It does look and sound a heck of a lot veggies but remember they are good for you and point free on WW. So fill up guilt free)

Make up 120g cous cous to packet requirements. In the UK we get a lovely variety of ready flavoured cous cous, I use the morroccan cous cous. This normally is add water, cover and wait 5 mins. On the packets, they will often recommend adding butter or oil, I dont do this since my veg juices and oil will be added later.

If you can't get ready flavoured cous cous add a few of your favourite spices, chilli, corriander, tomato paste and a little chopped garlic make a great base for cous cous too.

Once veg is cooked as you like mix cous cous and roasted veg in big bowl and serve.

I add a good handful of rocket leaves (any peppery washed salad leaves are great for this) and mix to wilt in the steam and add a little on top to garnish.

Yum yum.

This is a big old bowl of food (it could feed 2 if you have small apetites but I do like a good bowl of food! - thats why I'm overweight haha, But I do have 3 set meals a day and try not to snack) and equates to 9 points on WeightWatchers. (7 points couscous - 2points oil) If it is too much, it is just as good chilled and served with chicken as a main meal for around 12pts.

This is also good with raisins/sultanas thrown into cous cous (with the boiling water to juice them up) to give a sweetness slick to compliment the chilli kick.

I enjoy cooking as it's how I like to get creative every now and then.

Good cooking can be done from experimentation and I made this completely by trial and error and I never have the same veg mix twice in a row.

Amazing

It's certainly a week for anniversaries so apologies for all the sentiments my present and last post have bought up. So I apologise in advance if this post doesn't flow as easily as it could. Sometimes, feelings just take over and well.... read on.... see what I mean.....

A year ago today was one of the hardest days of my life.

I had a little boy who had been suffering with pain since he was more or less born.

A year ago today, I held that little boy as anaesthetic was administered before the surgeon helped me lay down my 9 week old baby onto a trolley ready for the operating theatre.

I'm crying now, recalling it.

It was the most simple of operations, one of the most successful they did at the Cambridge Specialist Childrens Department but my baby was going to go under the knife.

Those 2 hours or so (I've forgotten how long exactly) he was in the operating theatre, I was in a complete daze. I bought a magazine and a coffee in one of the eating areas of the hospital and time just seemed to stop. I wandered around the grounds but I can't tell you a single thing more than that. I can only describe it as what I would imagine to be an out of body experience. It's like it wasn't me at that hospital doing those things. Physically I was there doing that but it's nothing like what was going through my mind.

People walked past, doing their day to day routines and I was a mother with my son sleeping his way through surgery whilst his hernia was repaired.

I know it's one of the most common things ANYONE can have surgery for at any age but that is completely irrelevent until that person is YOUR child. Your baby.

We knew he'd need an operation eventually as the hernia was affecting his feeding. The first few weeks of Liams life, he was continuously stressed, continuously crying and I found it incredibly hard. It was almost a relief to discover that it was a medical condition causing his grief. It wasn't that I was being a bad mother - I already felt guilty that James and Matthew had less time with me because I had such an unhappy baby and I felt that Liams constant crying was just another signal that I wasn't coping.

I felt like I was failing all 3 of them.

Once diagnosed, we thought hard about it and asked our GP to refer us to get it fixed as soon as possible. Not long after we had to go to the emergency department because the hernia wouldn't go back into Liams groin and he was in serious pain. They wanted the hernia to go down a little before they operated. This didn't happen so 3 days after admittance he had the surgery before it got too dangerous.

I carried him down to the operating theater accompanied by our surgeon and duty nurse.

As I laid him down on the trolley and watched him be wheeled off into theatre, I broke down.

I'd been holding it together for so long, for the kids, for hubby, for the grandparents.

All those fears and stresses over the past few weeks were on the surface staring me in the face. I never did feel that I had the perfect mother baby bond with him - I honestly felt that nothing I could do could make him happy.

I'd also cry at night with frustration, feeling useless, feeling a fraud for people thinking I'd got this motherhood thing just right and found it easy but it wasn't like that this time round. It wasn't my fault, he was a baby so it couldn't be his as he knew no better but it killed me not knowing what I was doing wrong this time after the first two were fine, just what more could I possibly do for my little boy? It seemed a never ending self hatred pattern. The more time I spent on Liam, the less time with the other two.

I was then failing them. 

I was failing all my boys.

In that room, none of that mattered. My baby was in there and I couldn't do a thing for him but wait and hope all went well.

I was all alone and my baby had just been taken away from me for something that seemed so big for his tiny little body.

I vividly remember seeing his little face when he was out of surgery.

Sound asleep he looked "better" already. So peaceful. So..... not in pain.

It's so hard to describe, but sitting in recovery with him whilst he was still under anaesthetic he looked happier than I had ever seen him. I just sat there for a few minutes holding his little hand and that is when I finally began to feel that things would get better.

He ate his next meal perfectly, he was a hungry little boy.

His personality and temprement changed in an instant and cuddling my little boy with his little post op dressing back on the ward was the moment I really fell in love with little Liam.

At last I had it fixed. At last he was the baby he should have been. The baby who shouldn't have suffered those first few weeks.

We've never looked back.

Today (when the above photo was taken) Liam continues to be the happiest of my 3 boys, the cheekiest, hungriest and most demanding of my 3 little ones. Yet, I wouldn't change a single thing.

This is for you my beautiful Liam.

Lots of Love, Mummy. xxxx

Whirlwind

When we are young, we all imagine love and relationships to be like in the fairy tales.

By the time we are in our mid teens most of us realise what rubbish it is!  (With the odd exception of those who marry and do spend the rest of their lives with highschool sweethearts - FAR more common in the US than the UK.)

Some of us make mistakes as we travel through life looking for the right person. Dear God, the mistakes I made were far from small but I learned alot on my journey. It wasn't all bad, along the way I had Matthew. Matthew gave me the strength to leave an abusive, occasionally violent marriage. If I stayed I'd have ruined his life. Matthew became my lifeline, my confidence, my excuse and reason to do the right thing by us both. Leaving my ex husband truly was the start of the best times of my life.

Once I started dating again, I still didn't get it right. Single mothers easily attract "the wrong type" of man. 

But then, one night all that changed.

Everything I had hoped for in my life seemed a long way off.

Lifes plan was to be married, have a nice house and 3 kids by the time I was 30. I had just turned 27, and I was still married. The divorce was taking an age but friends I hadn't seen for a long long time were organising a night out.  I wasn't going to miss out on this oppertunity of having a night out, Matthew was going to stay at my mums and I could have a real night out where I could be the me I was when I used to hang out with them before. No curfew because of my son, I knew I was in good hands, enjoy myself and sleep it off the next day.

I never expected what became of it.

Three years today, I found myself in conversation with a man I'd never met before. Amazing since he knew all my friends. The night flew past by and he was much the gentleman lending me his coat to freeze himself as we awaited taxis in the early hours of a cold Sunday November morning. Later that day after a long sleep and some sobering up we became Facebook friends and began chatting.

A week later we had our first date.

4 weeks after our first date, he moved in.

2 weeks later my divorce was finalised.

4 weeks after that I fell pregnant,

We celebrated our first anniversary with our 2 week old son James.

We celebrated our second anniversary with our engagement, a 1 year old James and 6 week old Liam.

Today we celebrate are third anniversary as newlyweds, a 2 year old James, 14month old Liam, a new house and a new puppy. Phew!

That's what I call a whirlwind romance!!!

We appear to have done more in 3 years than some people do in 10.

Matthew has always seen him as his dad and they get on wonderfully.

Three years ago today, a very improtant event occurred and changed my life forever.

I would like to thank my husband for coming into my life when he did and for making my life worthwhile again. For changing my world and for everything he's bought into it on our journey. To thank him for being an amazing dad to our boys and for making me such a lucky and happy woman proud to be his wife.

Positive Thinking.

It's funny how once you have children, the most simple things in life become the biggest of luxuries.

Namely the magic of a long hot bath.

I could bath and relax in the evenings but it's always a rush and it seems a waste to go to sleep afterwards. However,I have started to have an hour to myself in the mornings. Pup goes in her basket, the kids go in their room for a nap or play time. I just switch off and enjoy the time alone. The peace and quiet.

It's strange to think that we are so near the end of yet another year. Thoughts are turning to christmas. My goal for christmas is 14lbs off.

It's not going to be easy but I am going to give it my best.  It's less than 2.5lbs per week so I could do it comfortable. Let's give it a go.

I am feeling rather good right now, I just want to look better and be that little more happier within my own skin.

I've been asking for some beauty gifts on my list to Santa this year. I would like some new hair straighteners, make up, skin creams etc. I would also like foody gifts, a coffee maker, flavoured oils, a griddle pan. From my husband I think I would like a special piece of jewellery (probably a necklace) to commemorate our first christmas together as a married couple. I suppose I am an old traditionalist on things like that. However I have no idea what to get him. It doesn't get any easier. What I need is a day without him looking round shops to get ideas. Easier said than done since our nearest town is on the small side.

I am back to my other old obsession of Underwear. I really feel that a new underwear spending spree is in order. I am back to a better size so I can wear nicer undergarments again. M&S here in the UK always has a great range for all shapes and sizes at an affordable price for something that lasts. I do think I need some time in there to treat myself - and hubby ;). I might even give him a christmas challenge.  A "Here's your budget, here's my sizes/measurements - Surprise me!" type challenge. I am flexibe and up for some fun so it could be good for us newlyweds. And if I am a couple of inches smaller or more toned by Christmas then all the better.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.............

So somehow, this beautiful little boy is now 2. He never ceases to amaze me.

The happiest of souls, James is always smiling or singing.

His vocabulary is growing by the day, even if much of it is contributed by kids tv.

He is learning all the time. He can count to 5 at the moment and will ask for specific things.

He's a smart little cookie already.

He is creative loving nothing more than his chalkboard and chalks, or playing with his trains. He is forever taking apart the tracks and trying to put them together in a different way. This can cause the odd bit of frustration in a boy, but he is learning all the time.

When I last posted, I was having a particularly crap day with the kids and dog. I see myself as a realist blogger. I don't just blog on the sugar and sweetness of life with kids and a family, I am true enough to admit that some days are just too much to bear. I had a few days of stresses that had built up. The kids were hyper, the dog was crazy and causing at least one child to cry whenever she spent more than 5 seconds in the room with them. The little nips and cuts on the kids were far too evident and I need a break from time to time. I'm only human too. I was feeling cut off from friends who had cancelled plans on me last weekend and I was incredibly pissed off. The more I thought about things, the more I hated life. The more I thought about things, the more I felt like I was just living for everyone but myself and failing at keeping anyone happy.

When I do get on a downer, it does tend to spiral quickly.

It all came to a head later the day of said post when I yelled at the kids and dog so much I burst into tears.......

On three very separate occassions......

In the space of an hour..............

I then spent the next two hours apologising to the kids for being such a shit mother and telling them they deserved better than me before sending the kids to bed.

When I tried to speak to hubby about it when he got home from work I was still close to tears explaining how much of a failure I feel that I couldn't cope with kids and a puppy. I'd already said to him earlier in the week that I was feeling stressed and that I had a feeling that my blood pressure was high. At times I could feel it rising! I even half joked that at this rate, I wouldn't be allowed my contraceptive injection in 2 weeks if things didn't calm down. 

My meltdown afternoon did appear to do the trick and I have been feeling much brighter since that awful afternoon.

It wasn't all bad I suppose. I rid myself of frustrations, cleared my mind and was able to get out what I ahad been bottling up.

ALSO, somehow, despite 2 takeaways and eating half my weight in chocolate and chocolate biscuits, I miraculously lost 4lb between Saturday and Wednesday. So, with that in mind, it's kicked me back into watching what I eat now and with the exercise I get daily, I am trying to boost my self esteem with losing weight again. I said to hubby the other day my jeans felt looser on my thighs again so it is noticable in my clothes if not in appearance. So maybe a couple of weeks stress was what I needed to get on the straight and narrow again.

Rosie is FINALLY beginning to calm down. I haven't seen a fresh scratch on any of the kids for a few days. This is blatantly a step forward!

She is doing well with the toilet training, We do still wake up to puddles and she does take some persuasion to go outside when it's as cold and wet as it is right now.

So things are getting there.

Invisible

That's the long and short of how I feel right now.

No-one seems to notice or care how I feel right now.

I'm fed up being let down and just being treated like I don't exist. What does it take for someone, anyone to realise how stressed I am.

I am more than just a mum to 3 boys......

.........or at least I used to be

Now James is 2

 My baking skills are coming on in leaps and bounds.

This is the third time I have attempted this cake. Once as a trial for Liams birthday, then as Liams birthday cake now as James's birthday cake. Each time there has been a different variation.

This cake was still a luxurious chocolate sponge with a chocolate fudge frosting. Yet it differed since it was filled with whipped double cream and decorated with shavings of dark, milk and white chocolate.

Yum yum.

Needless to say the birthday boy enjoyed a HUGE slice. He appeared to really enjoy it.

As I always say, my birth stories are perfect birth stories and therefor are far from entertaining but should be a message of hope for all mums to be.

James was born early morning on November the first. The day before we had been out shopping, had a busy day and took Matthew trick or treating. I went to bed around 10 as I was tired,

I woke up for the normal toilet trip around 4am. My waters broke whilst I was on the toilet leading to immediate contractions. I arrived at hospital around 5am, he was born before 6am. We left hospital at 8am and at 8.30 I woke up Matthew telling him there was a surprise waiting for him downstairs. He was amazed to find he had a little brother.

James has been more or less perfect since then. We have no signs of the terrible twos just yet. He is the most gentle and loving little boy. He is always first to give things to his little brother and is the most cheerful little soul.

He had a great day yesterday with toys, cards and lunch out with a cheese spread and ham sandwich followed by a big cake for tea. He even got to stay up late.

We didn't do anything for Halloween at all this year. We always allowed Matthew to dress up and go trick or treating previous years but since we only really know where 2 families live, we decided to give it a miss this year. Only 2 groups of kids visited as well, so since we're the quiet end of the village, we didn't get many roun either only the really local kids.

Rosie is coming on in leaps and bounds. She isn't nipping quite so often and responds well to my "No" command and has begun to sit out the way when she gets told off. She will also now use the paper we put down for puddles and best of all, she will go to the toilet outside. I try to get her out for 5 minutes every 2 hours to get her used to it. As soon as we get up, she goes out and last thing before bed she does too. She is getting the routine of it which is really good. We just need to get her to tell us when she wants to go out.

Whilst the nipping is getting less, poor little Liam had a rather nasty scratch last night. She did get hold of him and he really was hurt. The cut wasn't that bad but I got him seen at the doctors surgery this morning just to check he was up to date with all his tetanus and so on. The nurse just said to keep an eye on the scratch for signs of infection. We're back there on Thursday as it will be time for Liams MMR jab and then he's finished with jabs until pre-school.

Settling In

Rosie has settled in really well. She was a little upset when she left her mother yesterday and had a little cry for about half the journey home. She appeared scared leaving the house but soon cuddled into me and let me assure her on the car journey. By the time she reached home, she was a quiet but calm little pup. We gave her a bowl of her food and she didn't seem overly interested but was very keen to have a drink of water.

 The kids made a fuss of her immediately and she seems to have already formed a strong bond with Liam. She can be nippy with us all, but Liam seems to be getting the brunt of it. He also gets the majority of the licks and the waggy tail behaviour as well so Liam is more than a little confused by the puppy and what she actually wants.

Rosie is very quickly getting the hang of the command "No!".

Rosie is a 6 week old border collie cross, her mother was crossed with another gentle charactered dog and her dad was a pure collie.

We got her as being semi paper trained (meaning she will sometimes go to the toilet on paper) but she hasn't done that here yet. She has however, been to the toilet outside twice. Yesterday and last night she seemed terrified of being outside. But I've percevered today and took her out twice and got her playing with a football so she was enjoying herself. And both times, a toilet movement was made so we are already making progress in less than 24 hours of having her.

We were originally going to call her Poppy then I realised what a popular name it was for female dogs so we I went with our my second choice of Rosie. We I did want a particularly girly name since I am heavily outnumbered by males in this household.

Speaking of names, after 14 years of being top, Jack is no longer the most popular boys name in the UK. Oliver has overtaken as 2009's top name for baby boys. All I can say is that whilst James Jack and Liam Oliver are obviously amazing names, I think I did right having them as middle names rather than firsts. By 2018 it is estimated 1 in 5 boys in secondary schools will be named Jack or Oliver, I can see lots of those names on lists with surname initials next to them. Matthew is already Matthew T to not be confused with Matthew D at school, then there's Jack B, Jack P, Jack T and Jack Y that he went to pre-school with spread about between the two schools where we used to live. Not to mention any that may have been in other pre-schools that have been combined. It just seems strange. Similarly, Olivia is the most popular girls name.

Anyone interested in the full list can look here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2010/oct/27/baby-names-children-oliver-olivia

Yesterday I finally got my haircut, I'm not 100% sure on it just yet. I don't hate it, but its taking a bit of getting used to.

It is nice to have a style again and to have a neck, I'm just going to have to get used to it over the next few days.

Liam still isn't walking but he is pulling himself up on absolutely everything and getting his balance. It must only be a matter of time now.

Rosie

This my dear friends, is the newest family member.

Meet Rosie.

Have You Guessed What It Is Yet?

We've had a very busy weekend. We've been buying things for our newest family member. On Friday we had a viewing of a puppy in a nearby town. We're getting her on Friday. She will be 6 weeks old and is the most adorable little canine I've ever seen. She is a Border Collie cross and very much resembles this little pup at the back on the right. The only difference being that she has a brundle coat (brown/black instead of plain black) alongside the white.

This is the actual litter she is from and I think we have the one on the left. I'm not 100% sure as I can't see the face and this was 3 weeks ago so she has changed and has a real little personality now. She was such a loving adorable little thing, I held her and she was licking me the entire time. Beautiful.

It's been a busy weekend in all. Saturday we were out replacing the new PS3 we bought on Friday. We found it didn't work when asked to download updates, so we went out to get a replacement. The new one works lovely. I think I prefer it to the Wii. We have Little Big Planet that the kids love and a football game for Matthew while hubby is giving a few demos a try before we purchase any more.

Yesterday we spent part of the day in Colchester. We had a look around the town and toy shops for James birthday present. My little boy will be 2 this time next week!!!! We also visited my grandparents. Matthew had a sleepover at my mums last night but she was working so we dropped him with my grandparents for my mum to pick him up from there. He loves sleepovers at nanny's. He was really excited about going. We then went to another shop and picked part of James's present. He currently loves Peppa Pig, he has a little train which we've allowed him to have now since he sobbed when we took it away and a whole vehicle set that will be wrapped and given out on his birthday.

Peppa Train

Peppas Vehicles.

I do think he will enjoy his birthday. I will be baking a cake again. I am getting to be really quite a baking Queen.

Sadly, a busy weekend means the house is not quite the state I want it to be in, so housework calls and a little shopping needs to be done.

Have I Ever Said How Much I Love Those Little Boys Of Mine

I was so proud of Matthew on Tuesday.

After writing about his parents evening that occurred on Monday night in this blog, he comes home from school sits and the table and starts work on his writing straight away. I was so pleased with him! He really is trying and I really admire that. When he tries like that then I am all the more for helping him.

Liam is a funny little character right now. He is changing so much so quickly and really coming into his own. He FINALLY managed to stand himself up in his cot last night. All by himself he has worked out how to grab on and get to his feet. He looked so happy. So proud of himself, he had the biggest smile on his face I have ever seen, with his face slightly screwed up there was an added element of cheekiness as he showed me just what a clever boy he is. He also stood himself up in the bath for the first time too. I do have to give it to my kids for trying. Although I have always been aware that he is a little slower in development than his big brothers, I am even more aware that there's no "normal" when it comes to children. If he is going to be a little slower than his brothers at standing and learning to walk, then so be it. He will do it when HE is ready. In a way, I am glad he isn't yet walking. There'd be no baby element left. He would be a fully fledged toddler and a little more independent and make me a little more redundant.

I love seeing my kids grow. Seeing the boys alter in looks, becoming smarter, becoming more confident in their own ablities is a wonder in itself.

James is a cheerful, though thoughtful little soul. He is such a tidy boy it's beyond belief. He loves clearing up.

On Tuesdays we go along to the sing-a-long toddler group. James will happily play with the bells, tambourines and shaker instruments. He will often empty them all out over the floor, pass them around to the other kids and make his music whilst everyone else sings. He is always the first to start putting things away and will do the majority of filling the music bag once the session is over. He is so good. Liam also loves the little group. He will join in some of the songs by way of a little dance, or just sit and clap his hands at the songs he likes. This is all the more fun when you have a set of bells secured to your wrist.  The kids always get to choose thier favourite songs. For James we always have "The Wheels On The Bus" and Liam loves to join in with "Row Your Boat." He has always loved this as we've played it together since he was born more or less and he still gets the giggles with the back and forth motions.

Yesterday we went to collect Matthew from school. Liam was exceptionally happy. Excitable if the truth be told. Grinning all the way up the road, shouting out, clapping his hands - he really was in a super super mood. I have never seen him this excited. As we got to the church where the sing-a-long play group is held he shouted out really loud and then he began to cry as we walked straight past. He is recognising routines and places very easily and was heartbroken when we didn't go into the place he loves to spend an afternoon. I felt so bad for him! Bless him. He wanted a repeat of Tuesday. It's not on next week since the older kids are off school but we will be going every Tuesday now I see how much my little darlings love this half hour once per week.

I've decided that as soon as money isn't an issue I am going for the chop.

This type of chop!

I have found that in the last 12 months, life has changed quite a bit. I am now a married 30 something mother of 3. I want something to show that. I want a style and I want something funky enough to show I am still young despite the kids, I am not ready to slope into middle age just yet. So I want something cute and choppy.

I may even do the blonde since I entered an online giveaway and thought I'd give the blond a try if I won. The first 10,000 to apply would win a hair colour of thier choice so I thought why not.

I have already thought of the practicalities of getting all my hair chopped off and been looking around for hats to get through the winter months. So I will be treating myself to a nice little wooly number to cover the ears in the near future-hopefully tomorrow as it's so cold right now.

I am also a little obsessed with finding a good pair of boots with heels that are suitable for me to do the school run with. I hate flats but I will not be able to do 2 hours walking a day in 3inch heels. This is proving to be rather a challenge,