2011 Review

So as we go into the final hours of 2011, I can't say I am pleased the 2012 is ahead. There's been a lot of bad in the world this year and I feel that will only continue.

2011 has from far been the best year but with every hurdle comes new realisations.

I copied and pasted this from last year so feel free to do the same. x

1. What did you do in 2011 that you had never done before?

Realised just how important family really are. We have had the toughest time as a family this year but we've pulled through. The hard times make the good times better. I never realised just want an emotional person I was until this year. I swear I have cried more tears this year than any other. Sometimes through pain and sadness, other times through love and joy, occassionally through stress. But, yes, I have realised what an emotion woman I really am.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Weightloss. Yes I did do it and I will continue it.
To stop biting my nails. I did on several occassions but whilst we still have nappies within the household, long nails is not a good option.
Next year I will continue to lose weight, to be a better person and to do the very best for my husband, kids and family whatever life throws at us.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES!!! My sister in law had her first baby. My boys have a little cousin named Nelson. He's adorable!

Born on November 1st, he shares his birthday with my James, just 3 years apart.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My Grandad. He passed away very suddenly. He had an aneurysm so it was rather quick and left us all in a state of shock. I can never say I saw him suffer. Hours before he collapsed he'd been having a normal morning with my nan. They tried to operate but couldn't save him. In a way, he went the best way possible. He went to sleep under anaesthetic for an op and never woke up. We saw him 2 days before his death as the man he always was so our memories of him will stay like that forever.

5. What countries did you visit?

We stayed in sunny old England all year round.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A big win on the lottery would be perfect to start the year.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 13th.  The day we lost my Grandad.
March 11th. The day of his funeral and the day the tsunami hit Japan causing Fukushima nuclear leak. Quite a big day.
May 3rd. Waking up to the news Osama Bin Laden was dead. That came as a HUGE shock. Not so shocking was that he was in Pakistan as I always suspected and was probably protected by their people.
August 8th. On holiday we spent a night in front of the tv watching Britains anarchy! The London riots were unfolding and we watched with sheer horror of what Brits are capable of. The looting was attrocious and we saw on live tv a family business burn to the ground. It was shocking.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Driving. Who'd have thought I would let my guard down. Stop being so scared and just get out there and do it. I am getting better. I look forward to my lessons and I hope that I pass my test in the next few months.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Nothing, Failure is when you give up! I've given everything my best this year. Sometimes I could have probably done a little more but all in all, I've done what I can.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

The common cold, tripping in the garden and getting a lovely 4 inch scar down my left leg. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Erm.... white goods. New washer dryer. New oven and we have just ordered this years Christmas present for the house. An American style fridge freezer. The BIG one. Yes!!! Now to find out how the heck this is going to get into the house.

12. Whose behaviour merits celebration?

My nan. None of us realised just how good she would be coping with the death of my grandad. She has her medication under control and she tries her best to enjoy life. I am very proud of the strength she's shown us all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and upset?

My brothers ex. She was not what she seemed at all. Lots of lies were told and she eventually ran off with someone else before making false facebook profiles in my brothers name and stalking him for 6 months. She was a crazy.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The kids. Holidays. Bills. Same old same old.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Surprisingly, I was addicted to all the Royal Wedding stuff. I've never been much of a Royalist nor Traditionalist but it was great tv, entertaining and lovely to see something good. Wishing Kate and William all the very best along with a few million others was quite a feeling. I am super super excited that so many blog friends are expecting babies in 2012, That is just super exciting.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Lego House - Ed Sheeran
Someone Like You - Adele
Labrinth - Earthquake
David Guetta and Usher - Without You
Life Is Life - Noah and The Whale


 17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

 i.   happier or sadder? A little sadder.
 ii.  thinner or fatter? thinner
 iii.  richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Trusted my instincts. Realised that some people are not worth the effort. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasted my time trying to befriend above person.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In our little house and visiting and being visited by family. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

More so than ever. My little long awaited nephew, my life as it is and my big and little boys and their daddy.

22. How many one-night stands?

I don't think they are called that when you are married ;o)

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Spooks. The Biggest Loser. Man Vs Food. Sherlock Holmes. Eastenders.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a strong word. I still severely dislike that one person but that is all. No-one new.

25. What was the best book you read?

This year I have read more books than I have in a very long time. Averaging 2 books a week though I have slowed down in the last couple of weeks. I would have to say Dorothy Koomson's "Ice Cream Girls" and "The Woman He Loved Before" are among my favourites. I also loved "The Lovely Bones"  by Alice Sebold.  Rosamund Uptons "Sister" and "Afterwards" were also memorable. I was also introduced to Harlan Coben and Sophie Hannah making crime my new favourite genre.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I'm getting old and boring. Nothing really seemed to strike a chord this year. It seemed to all be about Rihanna.

27. What did you want and get?

I wanted very little. I don't ask for much in life and I do appreciate the little things in life I do have.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I watched "Shutter Island" the other night. That was good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 31 and hubby and I had a romantic meal for two in a very popular restaurant.  We did a little more for his birthday as it was his 30th and had a night out with a stay in a hotel to celebrate in style.

30. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not losing my Grandad would have been great. Not falling out with an old friend and losing touch for 6 months would have been too. But in all, I've lived as best as I can under certain circumstances.


31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

If I like it, I'll wear it.

32. What kept you sane?

Dates with my hubby. Overnight babysitting from family to give me and hubby a little time off for our wedding anniversary weekend.


33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Michael Buble. I am getting old! :0)

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

What didn't? The whole government has the world in a state. So much has changed in the UK this year, unemployment up, spending down, business closures everywhere to the handling of the London riots in August. It's all been so badly managed and dealt with.

35. Who did you miss?

My Grandad

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Pass. I don't think I met so many new people this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Family are precious. We don't know what we take for granted until it's gone or on the brink of going. Love everyone, tell them you love them and stick together. It makes us all stronger in the end.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


The day my grandad died was the day Adele got this song to number 1 in the UK, To this day I still can't listen to it:

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

Christmas 2011

All those weeks of planning. Those weeks of anticipation from the kids. The excitement.  All those weeks out shopping, decorating, organising, wrapping and delivering presents seem to be over.

Christmas in our household is far from a quiet affair as you can imagine. However, we were all poorly on one level or another. I think myself and Liam had it worst. The common cold (not to be confused with Flu, Man Flu Bird Flu or Swine Flu) has had us feeling a little down. The running nose, sore throat, heavy head, watery eyes for Liam and general tired outness has had us a little below our best. I couldn't taste or smell a thing for 3 days. A big disappointment to the Christmas Dinner I was looking forward to.

Liam, my poor little man is only now recovering properly. Here he is on Christmas day with his favourite present. A toy guinea pig. It's always the most simple toys that have the biggest effect!

He was so impressed, it was the first toy out of the boxes.My poor little boy looks so unwell in this photo.

Liam gave it the most loving little cuddles and looked down on it with such pride and love like it was his baby. I have never seen such caring looks from such a young child.

Here's his little "in awe" smile as he finally looks up for a picture. The guinea pigs name is Scratch, just like our own one.

My little Fireman James! James is not into being photographed this year.

Matthews pride and joy was ok course his 3DS. It was the first present opened so that he could later open all the games he'd been bought as gifts. He loved it!!!!

Feeling so poorly over Christmas none of us really enjoyed dinner. We had LOADS leftover and I didn't even eat the same portion size I'd eat on a regular roast. I had a glass of mulled wine but left most of it due to not tasting it so it seemed pointless drinking it. In the evening we visited my parents house and saw them, my nan and brother.  We had some teatime snacks and spent the evening taking it easy. The kids did really well staying up until 10pm then Liam made it clear he had had enough. He said "Go bed! Car!" whilst handing me his coat. For a person of little vocabulary he's a little man that can really communicate! He's such a smart boy.

On boxing day, the tables turned and my family came over for tea. I could have fed 30 with what I cooked and we all enjoyed Indian snacks, french bread, ham, cheese, salads, chicken pieces, pastries, gateaux. It was a great spread. Again I was unable to taste anything and regarding my weightloss aspirations, I look at a tasteless Christmas as a blessing in disguise!  Liam had once again got himself in the mindset for bed. At 6pm, his normal bedtime, he came to me for a cuddle stated "Go bed" so I told him to get his blanket and say bye to everyone. My little dear boy went into the living room, picked up his bed blanket that he had been cuddling and walked out the room giving everyone a big wave. He then proceeded up the stairs. James stayed up another hour or so and once he and Matthew were in bed we played 3 rounds of boardgames. Hubby and I won all 3 games. They weren't even our games! It's what we bought dad for Christmas and we're obviously very good at trivia. We did very well! :o) My family left at 1.30am so we had a good night.

The following day we went to sort an electrical fault at my nans. She repaid us with taking us all out for dinner. I really enjoyed my meal as I could taste it, a good grilled steak with fries and salad knows how to perk me up. Matthew ate the same meal as I did - he didn't have the salad but had a dessert. I was shocked!!! My almost 8 year old son can eat an 8oz rump steak and likes it medium-rare.

Yesterday we caught up with hubbys family and was re-introduced to Nelson. He is such a sweet little baby!!! I love him and want to keep him. He is coming up to 2 months old already and looks like he is growing very very well.

Nelson at around 2 months old. (I love his Hendrix style!)

Compared to James a couple of weeks older at around 3 months old!

I have some lovely photos to come of the boys meeting their little cousin so stay tuned for the next installment. :o)

Merry Christmas Everyone

The house and food are ready. The kids are excited and we have much to do today and tomorrow.

Even my festive flowers look fabulous!

I just wanted to send a quick Christmas Greeting to all my lovely blog friends whom have been great friends and very supportive over the past year.

It hasn't been the best but certain points in life during 2011 have made me ever more value what and who I DO have in my life.

I may do a 2011 review between Christmas and new year, but we'll see.

I have to admit I have been rather emotional this week. It will be the first Christmas without my grandad and he was a big part of our Christmas, especially the day after when we would spend the day at his and my nans. He would do all the food, all the decorating and well, this year, it's all over to ours.

I was writing a card to my nan last night and it didn't feel right writing it to her alone. I got very teary doing so and more so when I was telling hubby I wanted to take the camera to his grandparents today (it's his nans birthday) to get more pictures of them alone and with the kids. This year has taught us not to take people for granted. Things can change in an instant.

It wasn't helped by the fact it would have been my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary this week running up to Christmas. We visited my nan as I didn't like the idea of her being alone all day and she did well under the circumstances. I am just  a big soppy girl deep down and worry about her more than ever these days and I know Christmas is going to be far  from easy for her but we'll get by. We have to. He'd be the last person who wanted us to be feeling down over Christmas so this year I will raise a glass to all those who we have lost this year.

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas with those that mean the most to you all. It's what Christmas is all about after all. x

All Set For Christmas

In a matter of days we will be celebrating Christmas.

All presents are bought, wrapped and ready to go.

The turkey is in the freezer. The veg are keeping cold in the outhouse.

The remainder of the food shop will be done on Friday when hubby and I can look round the shops without the children.

I have my Christmas dress ready.

The cupboard under the stairs is FULL of nothing but the kids presents and we still have a few more to come.

The smaller the children it appears the bigger the toys. All boxes are rather large.

The kids are getting excited.

So am I!

Today has been a day of catching up on housework and sorting out some toys to go upstairs and making room for presents under the tree.

Our weekend away was fabulous as normal. The kids loved it. We watched many shows but the best was the Christmas one they did. It was the traditional tale of "The Night Before Christmas" and became an extravaganza of Christmas songs. The kids loved it and it became a big Karaoke thing by the end. It was a lot of fun and very magical. Especially when it started snowing in the venue. The tree above was one of the very many decorative trees we saw.

Tonight my friend Kate is coming over for dinner and then we are having a girls night out as we wander up the village for a few festive drinks. I quite fancy some mulled wine!

It's about more than just blood

Last night I was really affected by a tv program. It's not very often that I get upset watching tv but last night I was incredibly tearful watching a documentary.

The topic on this documentary?

Adoption.

The kids in care that they featured seemed so happy and so good that my heart broke for them that they didn't have the normal family life that many of us take for granted. Three sets of foster parents were featured in which there were two sisters. A brother and two sisters and a four year old boy and this program really broke my heart.

If I can do anything worthwhile in my life, I want to help kids like these.

I don't know if I would be strong enough to be a foster parent and actively help in finding such kids a new family. I really wish I could be that good a person to help make a difference and be the stop gap to a better life for them.

Just seeing these 6 kids on tv for an hour has really got me feeling for kids alot less fortunate than my own.

I've always dreamt of having a big family. I'd love more children and I would love to help kids like this along the way. I love the idea of adopting, I love the idea of fostering, I just don't know if I can be tough enough to give kids the love and support they need then let them move on to elsewhere. It must be so rewarding to bring a little stability into some kids lives whether it be short or long term.

My aunt and uncle have been fostering for years. One child they had from a few weeks old and had to give him back to his birth mother last Christmas, just before he turned 4. His mum was a recovering drug addict. The dad was not around. I don't know if I could do that. My personal feelings shouldn't matter if the childs interests are at heart but there will always be a part of me that felt resentful to the parent for letting that child be in the childcare system in the first place.

The 4 year old boy on the tv had been in care since he was a baby and his mum gave him up for adoption. He was in care for 3 years before being adopted. After a few months, his adoptive parents changed their mind and he went back to his foster parents. They then started the process of adopting him themselves along with the two teenage girls they had already adopted.The family were given the go ahead and his "sisters" cried with joy. Midway through the process, his mu who he hadn't met contested it and wants him back. She is now in a new relationship with another child and is on the Social Services Child Protection Register but because she is his mother she has certain rights!

This is where I am disgusted with the system! That poor little boy has a loving family who want to make it official but the mother can try to stop it. This boy has a family, he has a good home, he has a school, he has friends and he could lose it all.

The program ended with the two sisters being adopted to a childless couple. The brother with 2 sisters will find out what their future holds after christmas - with the possibility of them being separated. And the four year old will find out in March if he gets to keep his family or if he will be forced back into the care of his mother.

The whole thing really made me want to do more in the coming years. I've said about it before and I continue to think that this is where I see my life going in future years. I love kids, I love helping others and if I can make a difference to the lives of others when they most need it then that must be SO rewarding as a human.

So the plan remains the same, buy the house, build an extension and apply to do something to help others. Whether it be adopting and giving a child a home for life or fostering and being the step between where they need the most love and affection then I'm in it.

I've never had aspirations for a career. I've only ever wanted a good sized family and to help people. I think I have found my calling and I will be making proper applications when I can.

Another Phase Ended

It's official.

James no longer attends Playgroup and as of January I will be dropping 2 little boys off at the primary school every morning. How did this happen? How did my baby grow so fast?

He enjoyed his last morning at his playgroup and I am glad I no longer have to face that woman any more. Her son may still be at Matthews school but she rarely picks him up and if she does she blanks most people anyway so I no longer have to bite my tongue and paint on a fake smile.

Today is Matthews school Christmas dinner and he was really looking forward to it. He certainly looked good today following his haircut yesterday evening.

My little scruffbag before:

My handsome big man afterwards.

The end of term has come round fast but that's not a bad thing. 2011 has not been the best year for many and I hope that 2012 will bring lots of better news for so many people.

Before and After

Today my little men underwent a bit of a transformation. Instead of getting haircuts Thursday we saw a gap in the barbers and took full advantage.

Yesterday my lovely little twosome looked like this:

Part of me loves Liams long locks, he has the looks and personality to pull it all off.

But 40 minutes of our lovely barber womans time and I have the most handsome little fellas.

James style especially REALLY suits him. He has the same style as Matthew now which is good. This picture isn't actually the tender cuddly moment it appears to be. As soon as I took this photo James started crying as Liam was actually biting his finger!

After school it will be Matthews turn for a haircut and boy does he need it. I will once again get before and after photos and the same with my haircut on Friday.

This is how I looked yesterday BEFORE I dyed my hair a medium brown colour. I preferred the reddish tones but this colour will look better in a couple of days when it's more settled. That's half the job done just need the cut.

I severely need a touch of style again not to mention the hair straighteners. I may be happy with the length, but it's wavy, straggly and shapeless and I look like poo with no make up.  So a mini makeover is certainly due.

New Years Resolution 1 - Trust My Instincts More

It is very rare that I find people I don't like.

It is even more rare that I should take an instant dislike to someone from the moment I meet them.

They say first impressions last and they do. However, I am the type of person to give everyone a chance to prove me wrong. To give them a chance for me to bow my head and admit that I was wrong and that I was wrongfully judgemental.

A few months back I wrote about a certain person who lives in the village that I really did not like. She was very sure of herself, very pushy, persuasive and just annoyed the hell out of me because of her over the top mannerisms. She really was far too self confident for her own good and I really did not feel a connection with her. Yet, despite my misgivings, I gave friendship a go to ignore my gut feelings and get to know her before I judged her. She works at James's playgroup so thought for his sake I should not let my initial feelings bother me and try to get on for HIS sake.

This is where I really wish I had listened to my first instincts.

My first impressions are RARELY wrong. If I think someone seems a bit of bitch, then generally they are!

Last week Liam was supposed to have a hospital appointment and that was booked for a Wednesday. It is the only day James goes to pre-school so I asked if he could go on a different day instead. I didn't even suggest which day and Madam says all days are now full. 2 weeks ago they were struggling for numbers and did not know if they would be re-opening after christmas. Ok, I think to myself - maybe she's having a bad day and gave her the benefit of a doubt. (Incidently that appointment has been put back to January 13th due to being booked in with the wrong consultant)

Now this week, upon leaving nursery this week I ask if the Christmas party is open to all and if I could bring Liam like I did for the summer party. That was an extravagant affair where all kids in the village were invited and it was a lovely day! She was hesitant. So I said that's ok, I just didn't know the set up but would James still be able to go since it wasn't his normal day for going but I assumed that the party was for all the toddlergroup kids since it was mentioned in the newsletter and they had a huge poster outside advertising it. Again, she was hesitant and said probably not. Then she quickly corrected herself and said she would have to check and find out! Surely this should have been her first response and not an afterthought?

I AM taking it very personally. Everything was FINE until we decided to switch schools. Now if she has a problem with me about that then that's fine but I don't expect my 3 year old son to miss out on things like his Christmas party because of MY choices. I am incredibly angry about this and feel that the kids should be treated equally and a Christmas party should be for EVERY child that attends that group. It's his last session at Playgroup on Wednesday and the party is Thursday. Out of principal now, if we are offered a place at the party I will refuse. I don't believe kids should be shunned because of one member of staff who can't be bothered to find out there and then if he can go and makes it clear she really doesn't care!

I understand the toddlergroup is in trouble with getting enough kids to go but it was partially because of that reason that James is getting into Matthews school. I know he'll get in and it won't be a mad rush if the playgroup closes for a number of kids to get into the local school. I am just putting my kids first.

SO..... If I am so unhappy with this member of staff why am I not complaining to her boss? Because her mum is her boss and she's a lovely woman. I feel bad for her mum that her job is at risk but that doesn't excuse the way my child has been victimised in this instance. Plus, like I said there is only 1 more week for him but I thought the party would be a nice way for his time at the playgroup to end on a high. It appears others don't think that way.

So I am really disappointed in James's toddlergroup. I will NOT be recommending it to others and I very much doubt I will be sending Liam there after Easter if this woman still works there. It's not worth the aggro and I'd rather avoid this woman at all costs.

A new year resolution will be to trust my instincts. To not feel bad if I don't like someone. To not try to befriend them and to accept that some people are really not worth the effort.

Simple Things That Make A Mum A Happy Mum

This Christmas the focus is all on the kids. The excitement they feel and show in the run up is proving to be so much fun. James really is understanding so much more than he did last year and Liam is constantly shouting "Issstmas!!!" every time we walk past somewhere decorated with lights or an adorned shop window. Liam doesn't fully understand but he is getting excited. He loves the toy adverts on tv and does a special little dance for Christmas music. He is so funny.

James is taking much more interest than ever before and is able to tell us clearly what he wants for Christmas this year. Mainly the two Fireman Sam toys he hasn't got and some Playmobil which he has recently discovered.

The magic for Matthew really is not there this year. He knows that Santa/Father Christmas is not real. He said he had suspicions last year too. That boy cracks me up. In a way it's better now he knows that we buy and give the go ahead to his presents. He knows that if he's good for us then we will make sure that he gets good presents.  Haha, yes, we are fantastic bribers us parents!

I myself will not be getting much on Christmas day. I have been a tad spoilt this week instead. Hubby has bought me a new winter coat and BOY do I need it. The temperatures have really dropped the past few days but I am holding off wearing it until next week when we go away for the weekend. It's nice to have something smart and new to wear for special occassions.

It is very similar to this and will keep me warm this winter. It ends at mid thigh length so it's a really good length on me.

I have also been given money from my mum and dad to buy myself some clothes. I purchased a new pair of black boots with chunky heels and a black bra and a lovely twinset of vest and pants. Black with red roses! Nothing makes a woman feel better than something sexy but subtle. My style entirely! Sexy and understated! And I like to look at a nice little bit of lingerie as a present for both myself and hubby.

With the remaining money I have booked myself in for a good haircut the morning before we go away. I am only going to get a trim, a few more layers and my hair lightened up from feeling so heavy. I don't want a drastic restyle. I love the length, I just want it easier to work with and to look good! I am going to be rather pampered and I should hope feeling rather good on my mini break! Just what a mummy needs at Christmas.

I may even do something shocking and go for my first ever beauty treatment by getting my eyebrows done professionally! A nice shape and wax may really be good for me.

I can't wait to feel a bit more pampered and feminine. You do NEED to feel it sometimes with a houseful of males and what better a time for a little makeover and feelgood factor than the miserable cold months and the magic of Christmas!

Christmas is Getting Close - Hooray

Even if I didn't have kids, I would still be excited about the prospect of Christmas looming.

This week we've really been into our Christmas crafts.  This is a picture post so I hope you enjoy!

James decorated the pine cones.

 He wore Matthews old plastic apron that has been saviour many a time through the years.

 Then with our pine cones and the basics of white glue, paintbrushes, gold glitter and ribbon we set to work.

 Originally we were both painting on glue but it was a very slow process so I became cheif gluer and James became official glitterer!

James did enjoy playing with the glitter and did a really good job,

That same evening Matthew had a go at doing some crafts. His job was to do the paper chains:

He sat himself down and really got to the task in hand.

As the chain grew, so did his confidence. He really enjoyed doing this and made the full pack of 100 adhesive paper strips.

My job was the cookie baking. I found an old easter chick cutter that in this case became a Christmas robin.

I made a basic water and sugar icing (glaze) and covered the cookies with a layer of the glaze and on one side covered them with some 100's and 1000's sprinkles.

Next I threaded the ribbon throught the cookies and coated the other side with same glaze before adding some star decorations and the remainder sprinkles when the stars ran out.

 Hubbys part in all this was to get the tree. He went to a local tree sales place and bought a lovely 8ft tree for a VERY good price. This is where high ceilings are a real treat!

 We went out and picked our new lights. White flashy ones and James got in the spirit by wearing some paper chains.

This is the finished article. Our Homemade tree decorations. We feel that the Angel on top doesn't quite suit it but it will do for this year.

Of course, I have missed out on one little person and his participation in the Christmassing up of the house. Liam just said "Wow" and "I like Dat!" in all the right places. That's all my little boy needs to do to show me he approves and has enjoyed seeing all the bustle of the house in the past 4 days.

I have enjoyed the experience doing this but I think next year it will save a lot of time and money to buy decorations to reuse. We can still make the paper chains and reuse the cones. This is one of those things I always wanted to do as a kid but never got to do. My kids will never say the same! It may be good to do something similar in a couple of years so Liam can participate more.

CSA Grrrrr.

I see why the British Economy is in trouble. The amount of money they must waste on paperwork must be immense!

Every week for the past four weeks I have been receiving letters through the post from the Child Support Agency. This is a Government organisation that assures that some form of child maintenance is paid to a child in the circumstances of an absent parent. This means that Matthews dad should pay something towards his sons living costs.

It's already an incredibly feeble amount that he should be paying. It equates to my ex paying £5 per week into this organisation for Matthew to have some benefit.

In the past few years I must have had about £40 of payments that I have actually received.

So today upon receiving yet another letter (a four page letter with a booklet on how to claim) on what I should be getting I finally give them a call.

I go through the normal channels of half a dozen security questions before getting to the point. Why are you sending me so many letters saying I should be receiving when in reality I do not get anything? The gentleman on the phone was very efficient and asked when I received my last payment, how I get paid etc. I told him it went directly into my bank account but it's been a long time since I had anything enter that account. On my previous bank statements for the past 6 months I did not get one payment. He offered to look into it telling me that my ex was claiming unemployment benefit and last went to his Job Seekers meeting on Nov 25th (Friday) so it should have gone into my account today.

He proceeded to my bank details to inform me that the page was empty. They had no record of my bank details stored.

I was NOT impressed.

Normally when I don't receive payments it's because he isn't signing on for his benefits. He gets a job and conveniently forgets to inform the CSA so we don't get a penny of his wages when he should pay 17% of his wages.

Today they tell me, he is claiming but their computer programme has a fault and it's Government policy to not write or phone asking for bank details as it could easily be used as a scam by fraudulent individuals. I part understand that but if it was the case why could they not just send out the letter with the details of what I should be paid and a comment saying "Please call us to discuss this issue further"  Would it be that hard?

So it's been left that I should receive payment December 9th. I could be in line for a nice little sum of backdated money if the money has been put in a holding account due to non payment or it could all be a big Government con and I am left with nothing. I suspect the latter scenario.

How Things Change

It's really funny how things can change over the course of 18 months.

When I first moved to my lovely little house in the country, I was shocked by how laid back and slow life seemed away from a housing estate in a town. The life is much more relaxed, much more refined and far more enjoyable. There is FAR more for us to do than there ever was where we were before. So much of which the kids can join in with.

On Friday night it was the official Christmas Lights Switch On in the neighbouring town of Sudbury. There was also a street fayre, the Church was open for refreshments and a beautiful huge tree adorns the square whilst a brass band played christmas carols and the crowds were given song sheeets. It was a lovely little feeling of community - something we never had in our old town. The town hall is lit beautifully and we had a nice little stroll round the shops for late night shopping but did not buy a thing.

Community is very much what village life is all about. I've said it before and I will continue to say it again and again - I would not willingly move back to my old town. Life is just perfect as it is here.

I also noticed upon moving here that there seemed a certain rivalry in the school. Not in a nasty way, but I mentioned what I called "The Cake Mums" the mums who try to outdo the others with their exuberant cakes for the school cake sale afternoons. Well.... you'll never guess who has volunteered to donate a few cakes on Friday at the school? Yes, I too am becoming a cake mum! Not in the competetive stakes but because I want to.  I'm doing it because I enjoy baking and I want to help the school back a little for the way they are going out of their way to help Matthew at the moment. I guess I am getting wrapped up in the community spirit too.

This Saturday coming hubby is working so I am taking the boys up to the village to see the Christmas Extravaganza. Sounds interesting huh?  This includes the following:

Santas Grotto
Kiddie Rides
Punch and Judy
Magician
Silver Band
Carol Singers
Bagpipes
Green Dragon Morris Dancers
Organ Grinder
Hot Chesnut stall
Zumba Demonstration
Donkeys

That should all entertain the boys for an hour or two. I'll also be inviting my mother in law as she might like to do something different.

Next Monday we get to see Matthews school Christmas play. He is appearing as an Austrian Villager and has been practicing his songs beautifully. I like the sound of it this year as it does involve some traditional old Carols such as Silent Night (incedentally this is the name of the play) Once In Royal Davids City are the two he sings most. Bless him. He's taken his costume in today so he can start the dress rehearsals.  So I am looking forward to next weekend and the start of the week and I will get as many pictures as I can.

Todays plan is to put Liam up for a nap shortly and James and I are going to start decorating up some pine cones. All my cookie ingredients come this evening on the weekly shop so it's going to be very much a christmas arts and crafts week for me and the boys.

Thanksgiving From England

Just because we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here in the UK, who says I can't do a Thanksgiving post?

There is so much in my life I am grateful for.

A friend actually posted this to Facebook yesterday and I couldn't agree more!

A lot of lessons in life can be hard at times but that's where we need to be thankful and appreciate the better things in life.

So, My thankful list?

1. Quite obviously my sweet amazing husband. Last week was the anniversary of when we met and not a day goes by that I do not appreciate that day and feel lucky for our paths crossing as they did. We may have done so much of life in our own funny route, getting together in November 2007, him moving in after 6 weeks around Christmas time, falling pregnant around Valentines day, having a baby a little before our year anniversary on November 1st 2008, falling pregnant AGAIN around christmas 2008,  getting engaged in July 2009 to have another baby 2 months later. Finally we moved house in May 2010 to marry in August 2010. So whilst our "love story" is a little off the traditional expectations, it's my story and what makes it all so special. I wouldn't change a thing for the world and it's worked out brilliantly for us.

2. My Three Wonderful Sons

James, Liam and Matthew

I am so lucky to have these little guys. I said I would share the portrait when I had it and here it is. Liam looks older than James in this picture! With only 10.5 months between them these two are SO like having twins at times. Polar opposites in some respects too. Last night they had Chicken, chips and beans for tea. James ate all his beans but left his chips and chicken. Liam ate his chicken and chips and left his beans! They do make me laugh.

This month I've been reading of a few pregnancy scares amongst some blogs I follow as the journey to Motherhood is proving to be anything but easy!

First pregnancies especially are full of fears and worries for the baby, for the future for what sort of mother you will prove to be. Health scares only add to any fears a mother has.

In my case, the first pregnancy was the most straightforward and text book. The only fly in the ointment with Matthews pregnancy was being married to a bullying control freak. I was happy with the pregnancy, all went well but I hated the situation we (me and my unborn baby) were in. My ex was occassionally violent and once when I was pregnant. It was hard to forget as it was the day after christmas day (ex's birthday) and he'd been drinking alot. He had some friends and cousins round. I was transformed into waitress for the day and trying hard to be the perfect wife. He however got a fly in his bonnet over something and kicked a door as I was walking through it with scalding hot tea. It spilt all down my stomach and I went into a panic attack. One of his cousins and  a couple of  friends had a major go at him whilst 2 of his cousins and another friend were incredibly concerned about me and sat with me whilst I sobbed, went rather crazy yelling at him that if he killed or hurt my baby I would kill him.  I sat and cried for a long time as I  feared if and how it would affect my baby. That is certainly something you don't want 37 weeks into your pregnancy when there is enough worries on your mind. I'm grateful that man is out of my life.

With James, all was plain sailing in the beginning. I had a feeling this one was a girl because the pregnancy was very different from Matthews (It was far more relaxed to say the least) and all went very well. Until 30 weeks. This may be a little TMI but I was in a supermarket and desperate for the toilet. I went in and did my business. Upon wiping the tissue was BRIGHT red, as was the toilet bowl. I sorted myself out and went straight back to hubby in a panic. We abandoned our shopping and walking to the car I thought I felt the start of contractions. The hospital was only a short trip away but in that time I was a complete mess. The car radio was playing "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie and that made me hold it all together (I still can't listen to that song - if it comes on tv or the radio I have to turn it off). Waiting in A&E baby was very active and the contractions were still occurring. As I held my stomach and patted each little wiggle, I remained optimistic. The worst that could happen would be that this would be the day I was going to have my second child. I went through to the ante-natal department where they questioned me on anything out of the ordinary, hooked me up to a contractions monitor and confirmed I was having strong braxton hicks and my blood pressure was up. I joked with the nurse that they would be too if they had just had the shock I did! All with baby looked fine though. Over time, the bleeding stopped as did the contractions. The hospital could not offer any reason why they thought I had bled like that other than a possible blood vessel bursting. I spent the night in hospital and never had another problem. James was born quickly and all was well.

Liam was a completely different kettle of fish. I measured big, so I was tested for Gestational Diabetes. I had to have extra scans to check his growth. I was told a C Section was likely. I had a scare for Pre-Eclampsia because he looked to be big and my blood pressure was in the questionable range. I dreaded reaching 30 weeks because of what happened with James. All that and he was born perfect.

There is very rarely such a thing as a perfect pregnancy and whilst these things happened to me, it doesn't mean they will to other moms to be and sometimes, as proven with James, some things happen with no explanation, no warning and no lasting effects. So ladies, try to relax and enjoy having a baby on board.

It's when they are born things really take on a new slant!

3. My remaining family and in laws.

I am especially thankful for the arrival of baby Nelson this month. I am sure his US mom will certainly be celebrating his first Thanksgiving this year after the years of trying to conceive they endured.

Also I am especially thankful for having my grandad in my life for over 30 years. 9 months on, not a day goes past I don't think of him or miss him but I know I was lucky to have him around and that my kids all got to meet him. Sadly I don't think James and Liam will remember him but Matthew certainly will. I'm thankful he didn't suffer and that my nan is coping well.

4. I am thankful for my health and the health of those around me. Liam has a hospital appointment coming up and hubbys diabetes is well under control. My weight loss is having it's benefits and even my eczema is looking better since I cut right down on wheat. For only having to have 2 fillings on my visit to the dentist last week when I haven't been to a dentist for over 7 years.

5. I am thankful for music. Some songs have great memories, some songs have great meanings, some remind me of my kids, some my kids love to participate along to, others remind me of troublesome times and less than good memories. But overall, music is a great pick me up.

And here's just a general list of things I find simple that we take for granted.

Living in a free country where democracy rules *even if we disagree with the powers that be*
Being free of famine, malnutrition and war
Summer and Autumn
Long Hot Baths
Gerbera daisies especially pink and orange ones
Living in the country
Scented Candles
Indian Cooking
Nature
Holidays and weekends away
Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving one and all. x

Visiting London

What a lovely weekend we all had!

On Saturday hubbys mum came over to look after the boys for the day. Hubby and I started off heading to Colchester to collect his grandparents from home and we took them into London to visit his brother, wife and new baby Nelson.

I would not want to live in London but driving into it and through the city is something magical. We past many of the sites, we went over the River Thames via Tower Bridge along side The Tower Of London.

The blue bullet-shaped glass building in the background is a business centre called The Gherkin and is right in the City of London. This is the business capital of Great Britain. There are some very interesting and different types of building in London. There are so many modern architectures that some are simply just amazing to look at.

We had to get across London to where hubbys brother and his new little family live.

We approached London from the right where Dagenham is marked on the map. We then drove through the city (right in the very centre) to Wandsworth (a little South East of the centre next to Wimbledon in bold). This is around a 10 mile journey. However, the traffic in a major city such as London is much to be desired and the 60 mile journey from Colchester to the outskirts of London took 50 minutes - 10 miles from Dagenham to Wandsworth took over 2 hours!

London is a bustling place 7  days a week and we went on Saturday knowing that it was better than travelling on a Sunday. It is easier to do it by train but hubbys Grandparents are in their 80's and would not have managed the bustle of the Underground stations or the endless corridors of the tube and they wouldn't have been able to stand on the trains.

Once we got to their flat we were warmly welcomed . My brother in law is a budding cook and cooked us all a lovely lunch. A rich beef stew with mashed potatoes, broccoli spears and with some french bread to serve. It was delicious. I don't normally eat mashed potatoes but they were a treat.

I got the first (and the most) cuddles with baby Nelson. He is so much like James was a newborn. Very blond, bright blue eyes and so sweet. He didn't mind the strangers around him and was happily clasping my finger as I gave him cuddles.  Tomorrow he will be 3 weeks old already. Where has the time gone?

It appears that the birth was not as straightforward as I was led to believe. He was born by Caesarian Section despite the labour beginning well. His poor mom had two epidurals that did not work! Ouch. She also had a severe reaction to the epidural which meant that her legs ballooned with water and for the first week she had to have daily injections to prevent any clotting. She is now back to normal and says that if she'd known it would be like that she'd have agreed to the C Section alot earlier but the original plan was a home birth and she was already disappointed that couldn't happen so she was holding out for a natural delivery. Unfortunately neither happened  (Sorry all those pregnant friends out there) BUT they did get a beautiful little boy which is the utmost important thing in the world. As much as we want to be in control and have the perfect birth, sometimes, for some people it doesn't work out that way.

I thought I would become very broody again very quickly but it didn't happen. Whilst it was lovely having baby cuddles, it was once again a rare treat.  He really is a beautiful little man. It made me more aware of just how quick my boys have grown up and that we are lucky to have them all like this and that's made me more happy with what I have. I love the idea of another baby but the practicalities outweigh the "dream" and I am closer to getting a little bit of "me" back again. I would never change my kids for the world but every now and then you do question what and who you are beyond being just a mother. After 8 years of not working, I feel like I have lost a fair amount of my identity and look forward to getting back to work so I can have another side to my life and feel less of a one dimensional being. I love my family and home to bits but every once in a while it would be nice to do things for me a little more and once James and Liam are both in school full time, then I can see that happening a little more. I also want to bring in an extra wage to help out more.

Yesterday was another trip into Colchester. We started our christmas shopping and have got a fair amount of it done already. We only have my dad, hubbys dad, my grandad, Nelson and hubbys nan to buy for then we can start on the kids! We've got a few things on order so it will be a bit of a week for waiting about for deliveries but it should help out a fair deal.

I hope everyone else had enjoyable weekends too.

Four Wonderful Years

On Tuesday I had a brief meeting with Matthews teacher while he was at football practice regarding his possible ADHD.

We went through his personal profile and a checklist of things that we find he does or does not do and how regularly certain things occur.

Matthews teacher has a very good understanding of my son! I am really impressed. I am also really pleased that she IS going out of her way to help him if she can. She is a good teacher, Matthew loves her and I see why. On his paperwork she sees him as a caring generous child but his main problem is keeping still. On the large section about anger, temper, nasty to other children, fighting and anything else similar to being an aggressive child, every box was ticked as "Never" so I am really pleased with that. It just seems to be problems with sitting still, he has to fidget, he has to fiddle, his teacher often feels she is losing his attention. I can vouch for Matthew having the attention span of a goldfish. The times I repeat myself over the simplest things. "Matthew put on your shoes" "Matthew, have you got your shoes on?" "Matthew, you still don't have your shoes on" "OK, so we're going to school without shoes today then are we?" I have to have everything super organised for him. He has no organisational skills whatsoever and I feel that at almost 8 this is a problem. Some days, it's harder work having Matthew than 2 toddlers.

Anyway, the ball is finally rolling in getting some more help and advice on how to address some of these problems better.

I am no supermum, I admit at times I really lose my temper with him. I shout and have a go when I know he's not doing it deliberately, it's just so frustrating that I feel like I am a broken record or banging my head against a brick wall!

Liam is a funny little soul at the moment. His speech is getting clearer and upon clearing out cupboards the other day Liam was impressed by a bottle of Calpol (UK version of Tylenol I believe) and looked intently at the bottle before loudly declaring "I like dat!" with a big smile on his face.

James is a funny little guy in his own right. He's discovering his OWN sense of humour. Today he couldn't walk past his playgroup for laughing so much as the kids were holding the gate shut. They were all playing and James found it hilarious. Bless him. We finally told the playgroup yesterday that we will not be returning after christmas. I feel a little guilty with them having the threat of closure but I want to get the kids in our local school before the rush if it does close later next year.

I'm less annoyed with my mother than I was the other day. I still think I should have been told but I know my problems with my mum are nothing in comparison to many others.

Four years ago today I met my lovely husband. In a way it feels much longer, but that's because we've crammed so much into a short time. We've done more in these 4 years than some people do in much larger number of years. A wedding, two sons, moving to the country, lost 3 grandparents between us, numerous job changes, periods of unemployment, a childs operation, a diabetes diagnosis and so much more along the way. Madness!

Some Things I Believe I Should Hear First Hand

Things are currently going well in our little home - well mostly.

I am a tad peed off with my mother yet again. On Saturday we were round my nans visiting as we often do and my nan pipes up with "What about your dads work accident then? "

This was news to me. It happened that at work one day last week my dad had had a fall when on his lunch break. He had tripped when leaving the building and landed badly on his hand. He heard a crunch and his hand swelled to double the size in a matter of seconds so a colleague drove him to the local hospital emergency department where he spent half his afternoon. Following x-rays they sent him home with some painkillers and a bandaged wrist saying it was just badly bruised.

My dad - ever the trooper - was back at work the next day as normal.

This accident happened on Monday and not once did I hear about it from my mum. It would have taken a 2 minute phonecall to say he's ok but dad had a trip to hospital as he hurt his hand at work. The fact I hear about it almost a week later from someone else has annoyed me.

My mum is quick to call when my ex phones her but for anything else I feel it's me making the effort all the time. She did actually phone me TWICE that week as she was taking Matthew to an International football match on on Thursday but didn't think of telling me about my dad either time. Nor did she say anything when picking Matthew up on that Thursday. There were plenty of oppertunities but I never got told.

When my nan died in 2008, I had no idea how ill she was. I knew she had cancer but I thought it was going well with treatment and such or at least it's what I was lead to believe. I knew she was due an operation but was under the impression it was routine. When she died less than 48 hours later I was of course upset, but had I known how ill she was I would have visited her at the hospital before the operation. Ok, there may have been a lapse in communication between what my mum and dad had been told by my nan and grandad but it's always the same that I am the last to find out anything in my family and I DO get fed up of it all.

In better news, I got to have a good old catch up with a good old friend last week. We fell out at the start of the year but having a coffee and getting our youngest kids together was like nothing had happened and it was great to be laughing together again and meeting her gorgeous little girl. Next week I have another old friend to catch up with. It's not always easy when you live in different places, when your old friends work and you have the 3 kids at home mostly so it will be lovely to find out how things are going for my old dear friends and find out any gossip I miss out on from the old going out crowd.

I really am feeling quite a social being at the moment and this can only improve when I pass my driving test and can visit friends at thiers too I'm looking forward to the freedom driving will bring me already.

Matthew loved his football match. We've all known about it a couple of months but it was a complete and utter surprise to be picked up after school and taken to Colchester Uniteds football ground for an England Under 21's match against Iceland. It was full of big football stars (whom I've never heard of but Matthew knew every single one and what teams they played for) and the best thing for him was that England won 5-0 so he came home a very very happy little boy.

In The Dark

Last night I had my first lesson in the dark. It was great.

I loved every second of it!

This is a VERY big statement coming from a woman who just 4 months ago was a real car and driving-a-phobe! It took me a few lessons to stop feeling sick and stop shaking.

The last 3 lessons I can see how I am now going from strength to strength and it makes such a difference.

Last night I took a two hour lesson that is normally done on a Pass Plus test! This is an advanced driving test and the part I did is the requirement for night driving. I did a good few miles on a dual carriageway, went through a town centre and came back through villages, twisty turny windy lanes and beings we are in the middle of nowhere at times I had some lovely fog to contend with. I also drove into the next county of Cambridgeshire.  It gave me a good experience and I am so glad I gave it a go.

Upon arriving home my instructor congratulated me on such good driving in the lesson. On the way out I was honest and said I was looking forward to it but a couple of times I had looked forward to lessons I had messed up more than I should have. I also told him that he couldn't see it but this is the first lesson I have been smiling throughout the whole lesson.

I really loved it and the outlook of having a driving license in the future is looking a lot brighter as I am getting more and more confident and enjoying what I do.

Totally unrelated here is my favourite song of the moment. I have it in my head continuously and I wish this local young man lots more popularity in the future. For now, here's what Rupert Grint - Better known as Harry Potters Ron Weasley - is up to these days (besides looking very grown up) :

All The Small Things

Regarding the last post, I suppose the simple question would be why did I ring him? Why didn't I just ignore him or leave a message and nothing more? Well, I am on a bit of a mission this week. Tying up a few loose ends if you would like to call it that. Rather than sweep things under the carpet I am charging in like a bull in a china shop to get things done and seen to.

I rang my ex. Took my verbal beating. Task complete.

I took the hospital letter we received about Liams Hernia referral and booked his appointment in Cambridge. It's for November 30th so a little wait but the ball is rolling on it.

I've booked myself a dentist appointment next week. I haven't been since Matthew was a baby. In general my teeth are in good condition. I don't have any problems and most of the time things are good. However, I lost a filling about a month ago. Now I am starting to feel around the missing filling it is beginning to get a bit jaggedy and feeling thin so before I get any pain or further problems I have found myself a new dentist in the adjoining town and will be expecting it to be fixed and I am sure they will find other cavities to fill.

I have just seen that I have been awarded a Versatile Blogger award from new friend Maren.

 Thank you very much, I will do the 7 things for my next post as well as link some of my favourite blog friends to have a go.

Later today I am having a driving lesson. Not just any old driving lesson but something completely new! I am having my first lesson by night. Woo! It's going to be dark, possibly wet so it will be a totally new experience but I am looking forward to the challenge. I may not be so happy about that after 8pm.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with an old friend I haven't seen for far too long. We had a fallout earlier this year but we've got talking again and back to laughing like we used to. I can't wait to meet up for a proper catch up and to meet her new daughter.

And Finally..... You all should know by now how much I LOVE Indian food. Before hubby got me my spice kit for my birthday we would often use the local Indian restaurant. We have two in the village but got on particularly well with one in particular. It seems that we are not the only one that enjoys the food here. A whole range of tasters have been trawling Great Britain in search of the best Curry Houses and Tandori restaurants. The British Curry Awards (I kid you not) has placed it in the top 20 Indian restaurants of the British Isles. This is based on service as well as food so they have done incredibly well. The final takes place at the end of the month and though it is unlikely the boys at OUR Indian will win, we are very pleased for them to have accomplished this.

That Time Of Year Again.

Be warned - this is an angry post.

About twice a year I get into a big row with my ex. Here's the latest installment.

On Sunday I got a call from my mum asking me to call my ex. She is still the inbetween and it pisses me off that she just can't tell him to get lost like I do.

So, against my better judgement I gave him a call. He must be on like his 20th new mobile number. He is impossible to trace.

I call him from a with-held number as I don't want him to know where we live. He never found it important to tell us where he lived when he moved to London 3-4 years ago and since he hasn't seen Matthew since November 2008 we weren't too keen on giving in so he could bother us at our new home.

We moved here for a better life and that included leaving him behind.

We've heard from him TWICE this year and both times I have called as requested. Never to get through to him. I leave messages but he changes numbers so often I don't even know if I have an up to date number although my mum always says its the number he calls from.

I try to stay calm but I swear that the longer I'm away from him, the more I grow to hate him and resent calling him. But I went in quite calm.

I tried his number 3 times for him to not answer. I left two messages. In the end I thought I would try once more.

I finally got through.

I got a barrage of abuse. "Why do you call me on this fucking number? Why do you keep phoning me? Why do you hide your number? Why do you ring at a bad time for me?  blah blah blah."

I switched off from it and calmly responded. "I am calling you because you asked me to, so what can I do for you."

"I fucking don't understand why you fucking do this, you really piss me off." he shouts

"Look" I reply calmly despite being irritated beyond words. "You asked me to call, I am calling. If you don't want a conversation like a normal adult then I will hang up."

"You fucking do this every time. You never call just leave messages"

"It's not my fault you never answer it. So what do you want to talk about?"

"You are a fucking bitch and I hate you."

By now I lost my temper.

"You know what" I replied, "the feeling is mutual. In fact I am sure I have a lot more hatred towards you than you have towards me. I called because you asked. I did not call for a mouthful of abuse once again. I am just returning your call so can we please be civilised?"

I didn't even listen to the next pile of expletive shit he piled out but I did shout over him.

"For Gods sake, I don't know what your problem is. You ask me to call I've called. It took 4 attempts for you to answer so don't give me that "I only leave messages" crap!  I don't have to put up with this shit. This will be the LAST time I EVER call you. You can forget about me wasting my time, Please do not keep using my mother as a messenger. I'm sick of all this. I don't want you bothering me or my family ever again. If you have a problem, take it to a court. I have my calls recorded by my mobile operator and if you want this to be further evidence that you only want to contact us to harrass us, then it could be used. And thanks for asking how your son is, he's fine. Now goodbye." With that I hung up leaving him unable to verbally abuse me any further.

We split up mid 2005. Our divorce was through January 2008. You'd think it would be easier by now right?

Not at all.

I don't have my calls recorded but he doesn't know that. I still have all the clauses of my injunction paperwork and all the divorce agreements including the visiting rights that he has ignored to attend. He moved away a few years ago, never to tell us where he went but we're bad for doing it back.

He still doesn't realise I've remarried. We've never had a conversation where he's been calm and willing to talk normally for me to mention it.
In almost 7 years I have recieved around £80 child maintenance from him.

For the past 4 christmasses and birthdays Matthews not had so much of a call, card or present. It was only last year he didn't know where we were so it's the only year it's excusable.

It's not about money, it's not about presents. I would HAPPILY go without a penny, payback what he has given as CM and for Matthew to never recieve any gifts if it meant that we never had contact with him again.

What really pissed me off was not once did he ask about Matthew? I would have put up with the angry start if he took a breath and thought for a second about what he was saying and asked about Matthew or asked to speak to Matthew. But not one word about him.

He only wants a fight and I am not the one to mess with. I've said my piece, made it clear. I expect that will be all we hear of him for a few months then he'll be the doting dad again.

I would rather be seen as a bitch that stops my son having contact with his real dad than to be an irresponsible mother that will let her child grow up with such an abusive bullying adult in his life.

I'm willing to go to court over it. I'd hope the law was on my side and would recognise that Matthew doesn't like talking to him as he swears at him and makes him feel sad (Matthews words) and that he is scared of him.

People can change but he is giving me no reason to believe that he is a changed character and I never will believe it all the time he is foul mouthed and aggressive.

This man never destroyed me before and he never will. One thing an abusive relationship did for me was make me stronger. I just don't think he realised how strong he made me.

But you know what? After years of psychological and verbal abuse both when I was with him and after, it did feel good letting rip and sharing back what I thought of him. I very much doubt this will be the end. It never is.

November 1st Revisited.

I wanted to do this post a day or two ago but since a couple of friends have had scares within their own pregnancies (which now seem to be just fine) I thought it wrong to post for now.

Meet my nephew Nelson.

Here is my son James on the very same day 3 years prior!

Anyone else see how similar these birthday sharing cousins look from their first photos?

I think the biggest difference between the young cousins is that having been born 18 days later (gestationally) and over 1lb in birth weight difference, Nelson looks a little more padded out. Even the proud daddy messaged us to say he thinks that his son looks just like James did as a baby. 

I get a feeling these cousins may go through life looking alot like each other and may even look more alike that James and Liam. They both definitely get the T family genes rather than my own and his mummys own genes.

I'm hoping that the boys grow up to be close and it's already crossed my mind to have a joint birthday for them both next year. Yes, I am getting very ahead of myself. And No, I haven't offered the thought to the other parents as yet.

So James birthday was a quiet affair. We went out for dinner the night before James birthday to a restaurant of James' choice. He opted for a traditional carvery and loved his roast dinner meal.

My boys love thier roast dinners and beneath those gigantic yorkshire puddings were piles of steamed veg. James also loves his gravy! They did very well eating (Liam ate the most) and followed thier meals with an ice cream with strawberry sauce. They did very very well.

On James actual birthday we got up as normal and James was greeted with the scene below.

He had a lot of his presents when grandparents visited. He had lots of Disney Cars items, a big car transporter and lots of cars and building bricks. My grandad sent money so we bougt him the trike and just about everything in the packaging is all Fireman Sam merchandise including the much anticipated deluxe fire station James has been wanting for a very long time for. With the old fire station and the shop, 3 fire engines and a fair few characters (pictured the the left) we pretty much have the whole village. He also got the helicopter rescue hut and something else. I've lost track. We have alot of Fireman Sam in our living room right now.

I only made a handful of cakes this time. James loves Smarties (same as m&m's) so I made some chocolate Smarties cupcakes.

They went down as well as I expected. For the birthday itself, we had a quiet day in playing with toys. We took the boys to the zoo as an early birthday treat in the summer. A trip to the zoo in November just isn't the same. James just loved the oppertunity to play with all his toys.

In the evening we treated the kids to a KFC meal as James loves the chicken fillets and returned home to unveil the birthday cake.

 

All the nboys had a go at blowing out the the candle and we all had a slice of the cake. We took 25 slices into James toddler group the next day.

Matthew was off school sick with vomiting. James and Liam were fine. James began vomitting around teatime (after his day at school - great!) and Liam had some really nasty nappies in the days that followed.

Now on Sunday, I think we are almost back to normal although James had been sick in bed last night, my poor boy. Matthew recovered quickly but was sick alot in a short period of time. He could not return to school until he had been free of illness for 48 hours so he's only been back at school 2 days this week.

James has just been sick like once a day since Wednesday but he is well in himself. In high spirits and eating and drinking fine.

I (touch wood) have avoided all the bugs and germies that have been floating round. It's part of a mothers mentality that we don't have time to be ill.

The rest of the week has been very relaxing. TOO relaxing. We finally got out of the house for a walk yesterday morning and I think the fresh air did all the boys a little good.

We're 6 days into November and thankfully the weather is still mild. We've not yet had to put on our heating. This is good for many reasons, mainly because the cost of energy rockets in our house in winter with at least 2 of us home at any time. The next few days are meant to be as good and remain in double figures oC for a good week or so. I would love a winter like this all the time and I may be wrong but I feel that winter will be less harsh this year than it has been for a couple of years. I am very aware of checking out nature for signs and this year there does not seem so many berries, acorns or nuts about. Living in the country I am more aware than ever of these little things. Nature works in such a way that it prepares for the months ahead and the past 2 years we've had more snow than is expected in little old England. However, this year there is less food for the animals to hoard so I remain hopeful that there is less snow this winter. Watch this space.