Hello world, I am very much still alive just a very busy lady!
I have so much to say but will start with apologising for being a bad blogger and commenter in recent weeks. I am working on this, I am reading, I just don't have time for much else right now.
So......I do think 2013 could be a very positive year for us.
In the past week since I last blogged we've had a family fun day out in London. We visited a few sights and went on the cable car over the river Thames. That was a great experience. Even for a person with a height phobia like me.
The kids are back at school and loving it. Liams first (almost) full week has gone fast and he seems incredibly happy there.
I've been getting out and about in the car. It's going good. Had a long and short journey in the past couple of days and it's all helping getting used to the car and building my confidence ever more.
Today is Matthews 9th birthday. He got £100 from family and we bought him an android tablet. I got one for Christmas, hubby bought himself one and we looked into security and all that so Matthew now has one too. He has a handful of games installed onto there and some football sites linked in but he cannot use the internet or add apps due to parental controls. Tonight we'll take him for a steak dinner at his favourite restaurant. I can't believe he is NINE!!!
Hubby looks to be going places in his job. There's a very good chance (we're just awaiting confirmation) that he will be working in a different area in his job. The work is virtually the same but harder as it covers a bigger area and is a little further from home (about 40 mins) but with that comes promotion and a payrise so it's all good.
The other bit of BIG news is that after 9 years of the kids being the central part of my life, they are actually leading to other avenues of my life.
I have been asked if I would like to help out in nursery on a regular basis, so from next week, I am officially a parent helper every Tuesday morning. I have to have a CRB (Criminal Records Bureau) check to make sure I am not a dangerous criminal or anything that could be of risk when working with children but it's all going through at the moment.
James nursery teacher even said to give it to Easter and if I found I liked it and wanted to train towards any qualifications she would be more than happy to back me and that she and another Teaching Assistant would assist with any work if I need it. It's great to have the support of the school.
So it is happening. My life "beyond pre-schoolers" is starting to take shape and for the first time in my life I can actually think towards having a bit of a career other than just finding a job to keep me occupied.
I wouldn't want to be a fully trained teacher at this point but a teaching assistant job eventually would be amazing and maybe I could re-evaluate on where to go once I achieve that and the kids are in higher education.
I'm also in the school on Wednesday doing the voluntary "Wellie Walk". The kids are going for a nice walk in the mud along the old train line in their little Wellington Boots as part of their nature theme for the start of this term.
It's just all so exciting....
Friday, 11 January 2013
Friday, 4 January 2013
Who's That Girl? Oh, It was Me.....
Most years go by in a bit of a blur. People can easily confuse one year with another as we grow older. How often do you look back to a year and think that something happened only to begin to question yourself over whether that really did happen in that year?
2003 is one of those years I don't forget.
It was a very busy and BIG year for me.
It was a year of excitement but one of personal stress worry and feeling like my life was out of my control to a large extent.
2003 was the year I discovered I was expecting my first baby. Early May when we found out about the future baby was a time of great excitement. Yet it was marred by the relationship I was in.
Being engaged I felt trapped as my fiance was becoming more and more controlling. Especially once the idea of impending parenthood awaited us. I was living with my parents and fiance and it felt that my life was pretty much decided from here on.
I was overjoyed by pregnancy and going to be a mother but terrified of the consequences of living with a controlling bullying partner and bringing up a child in a hostile environment.
As much as I wanted out of the relationship at various times, I kept telling myself it takes two to make a relationship work and if I wasn't willing to make changes then I was just as bad as him.
Being in a mentally abusive relationship changes you more than you realise at the time. No matter what is done or said ad no matter how hard you try, nothing feels good enough. You feel weak, you feel inadequate and whilst much of you wants to leave, you feel that you are not strong enough to do it. You feel that you will only fail if you tried to do things yourself and at times, living a bad relationship just seems better than being alone. If you are with someone it's sort of a victory as no one else knows the real ins and outs of how it is behind closed doors. Even if I ever did leave I was reminded on a practically daily basis that if I left him no-one else would want me, especially with a child. My self esteem sunk lower and lower to a point it was easier to agree with him than start a fight. To just put my health and baby's health first and live as stress free as possible over the coming months.
It's always easy to judge someone and say "if they aren't happy they should leave". If only life was as simple as that....
Being pregnant lead to the insistance of us being married before the baby was born. His insistance I hasten to add. My family were cool with the situation but he wanted us to be married first.
So.... in September we married. I was 22 weeks pregnant and had my second scan a few days before my nuptials.I never told any of my family but the night before, I cried myself to sleep. I hurried through the wedding plans with no real interest thinking "that will do" due to a very tight budget and just the 6 weeks to plan it all in. We were not going to have a celebration after but my family insisted.
My best friend also married the same year as me and is looking forward to her 10th wedding anniversary this year.
Me? I'm looking forward to celebrating my third wedding anniversary in August. It may have taken a bit of time and a complete detour in life to celebrating a wedding anniversary but it's something I have learned over the years. You can't celebrate a relationship where you cannot be yourself.
By being myself I have found a wonderful like minded man, had 2 further children and have very much been enjoying part of a "couple" and family for over 5 years now.
Leaving my ex husband was the hardest yet BEST thing I have ever done in my life.
It took years to build up the courage to turn around and say I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I am worth more than this. My son is certainly more than this.
I will NEVER say I regret meeting him and having gone through some tumultous years for it is what has made me who I am today.
I've learnt a lot about myself, about what I want, what I need, what I won't accept in life. Most importantly I have learnt about who I am and who I want to be, not who and what someone else wants me to be.
When I look back 10 years, I see that young woman as someone else. It's hard to believe that was me. That I was so controlled and limited in what I did in life by someone who claimed to love me.
Love isn't about making someone who you want them to be.
Love is about accepting someone as they are. Allowing them to be an individual as well part of a pair. To support them on lifes journey.
You accept one anothers flaws, you accept your differences and celebrate your things in common.
And most importantly, being happy with yourself means others will be happy with you too. Self acceptance is a big part of life and love. If you can be comfortable as the person you are then that's half the battle.
2003 is one of those years I don't forget.
It was a very busy and BIG year for me.
It was a year of excitement but one of personal stress worry and feeling like my life was out of my control to a large extent.
2003 was the year I discovered I was expecting my first baby. Early May when we found out about the future baby was a time of great excitement. Yet it was marred by the relationship I was in.
Being engaged I felt trapped as my fiance was becoming more and more controlling. Especially once the idea of impending parenthood awaited us. I was living with my parents and fiance and it felt that my life was pretty much decided from here on.
I was overjoyed by pregnancy and going to be a mother but terrified of the consequences of living with a controlling bullying partner and bringing up a child in a hostile environment.
As much as I wanted out of the relationship at various times, I kept telling myself it takes two to make a relationship work and if I wasn't willing to make changes then I was just as bad as him.
Being in a mentally abusive relationship changes you more than you realise at the time. No matter what is done or said ad no matter how hard you try, nothing feels good enough. You feel weak, you feel inadequate and whilst much of you wants to leave, you feel that you are not strong enough to do it. You feel that you will only fail if you tried to do things yourself and at times, living a bad relationship just seems better than being alone. If you are with someone it's sort of a victory as no one else knows the real ins and outs of how it is behind closed doors. Even if I ever did leave I was reminded on a practically daily basis that if I left him no-one else would want me, especially with a child. My self esteem sunk lower and lower to a point it was easier to agree with him than start a fight. To just put my health and baby's health first and live as stress free as possible over the coming months.
It's always easy to judge someone and say "if they aren't happy they should leave". If only life was as simple as that....
Being pregnant lead to the insistance of us being married before the baby was born. His insistance I hasten to add. My family were cool with the situation but he wanted us to be married first.
So.... in September we married. I was 22 weeks pregnant and had my second scan a few days before my nuptials.I never told any of my family but the night before, I cried myself to sleep. I hurried through the wedding plans with no real interest thinking "that will do" due to a very tight budget and just the 6 weeks to plan it all in. We were not going to have a celebration after but my family insisted.
My best friend also married the same year as me and is looking forward to her 10th wedding anniversary this year.
Me? I'm looking forward to celebrating my third wedding anniversary in August. It may have taken a bit of time and a complete detour in life to celebrating a wedding anniversary but it's something I have learned over the years. You can't celebrate a relationship where you cannot be yourself.
By being myself I have found a wonderful like minded man, had 2 further children and have very much been enjoying part of a "couple" and family for over 5 years now.
Leaving my ex husband was the hardest yet BEST thing I have ever done in my life.
It took years to build up the courage to turn around and say I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I am worth more than this. My son is certainly more than this.
I will NEVER say I regret meeting him and having gone through some tumultous years for it is what has made me who I am today.
I've learnt a lot about myself, about what I want, what I need, what I won't accept in life. Most importantly I have learnt about who I am and who I want to be, not who and what someone else wants me to be.
When I look back 10 years, I see that young woman as someone else. It's hard to believe that was me. That I was so controlled and limited in what I did in life by someone who claimed to love me.
Love isn't about making someone who you want them to be.
Love is about accepting someone as they are. Allowing them to be an individual as well part of a pair. To support them on lifes journey.
You accept one anothers flaws, you accept your differences and celebrate your things in common.
And most importantly, being happy with yourself means others will be happy with you too. Self acceptance is a big part of life and love. If you can be comfortable as the person you are then that's half the battle.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Happy New Year
Happy new year to my dearest blog friends near and far.
I wish you all a very happy 2013 with lots of love, friendships, health and good luck.
2013 for me is a year of changes yet again. Life moves forward at an incredible rate sometimes.
This time last year I was a week away from James beginning nursery for the full 5 days a week. This year it's the turn of Liam. Next Tuesday I will be sending all 3 little boys off to school and it will be the beginning of that daily routine for the next 8 months. My little baby Liam will be attending playgroup full time, meaning he is attending an educational facility every day like his big brothers. It may only be mornings but I am sure gonna miss that boy and it will be strange having EVERY morning to myself.
Once the summer holidays have been and gone, James will be in Reception. That's a FULL day of school and I will be back to the 3 school trips a day routine. Also in September Liam should be up to the nursery so I will have all 3 in the same school.
My little people are getting to be rather big people.
So what do I wish for and hope to achieve this year? I honestly don't know. I just want a happy healthy family. We had some breakthroughs in 2012 where we told Matthew did NOT have ADHD and Liam had a little keyhole surgery to check his previous hernia as he still had occassional swelling and I am still 99% sure I could feel the intestine. However, we were told he didn't have a repeat inguinal hernia. Strangely enough, since the keyhole surgery he hasn't had a repeat swelling at all. I'm still suspicious.Whatever it was and whatever we've been told, I am relieved that the issue is solved and that I no longer have Liams health a big worry.
This year, like every other, I would like to lose weight. It's never easy and it's a lifelong battle for me but it's something I won't feel happy about if I don't put in the effort. If I can just make a few healthy changes, it can make a big difference and once the children are back to school and I am walking alot more again, then all the better.
I miss the daily routines. The last couple of weeks have been long without structure. I feel like I need something to aim for alot of the time. I miss that structure. It will just be really strange once they are all in school. Unfortunately I will only have 2 hours between dropping the last one off and leaving to collect James so the morning will just disappear and may be just enough for me to do a quick trip into town or do the weekly shop at the supermarket.
I wish you all a very happy 2013 with lots of love, friendships, health and good luck.
2013 for me is a year of changes yet again. Life moves forward at an incredible rate sometimes.
This time last year I was a week away from James beginning nursery for the full 5 days a week. This year it's the turn of Liam. Next Tuesday I will be sending all 3 little boys off to school and it will be the beginning of that daily routine for the next 8 months. My little baby Liam will be attending playgroup full time, meaning he is attending an educational facility every day like his big brothers. It may only be mornings but I am sure gonna miss that boy and it will be strange having EVERY morning to myself.
Once the summer holidays have been and gone, James will be in Reception. That's a FULL day of school and I will be back to the 3 school trips a day routine. Also in September Liam should be up to the nursery so I will have all 3 in the same school.
My little people are getting to be rather big people.
So what do I wish for and hope to achieve this year? I honestly don't know. I just want a happy healthy family. We had some breakthroughs in 2012 where we told Matthew did NOT have ADHD and Liam had a little keyhole surgery to check his previous hernia as he still had occassional swelling and I am still 99% sure I could feel the intestine. However, we were told he didn't have a repeat inguinal hernia. Strangely enough, since the keyhole surgery he hasn't had a repeat swelling at all. I'm still suspicious.Whatever it was and whatever we've been told, I am relieved that the issue is solved and that I no longer have Liams health a big worry.
This year, like every other, I would like to lose weight. It's never easy and it's a lifelong battle for me but it's something I won't feel happy about if I don't put in the effort. If I can just make a few healthy changes, it can make a big difference and once the children are back to school and I am walking alot more again, then all the better.
I miss the daily routines. The last couple of weeks have been long without structure. I feel like I need something to aim for alot of the time. I miss that structure. It will just be really strange once they are all in school. Unfortunately I will only have 2 hours between dropping the last one off and leaving to collect James so the morning will just disappear and may be just enough for me to do a quick trip into town or do the weekly shop at the supermarket.
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