Dress - no
Flowers - no
Cakes - no
Food - no
Decorations - no
Underwear - no
Nails - no
It's 3 weeks away and I am beginning to feel a little..... a little erm....I don't know if "nervous" is the word I mean but I am feeling the sheer enormosity of what is left. They are not the smallest of things but the very last minute things.
It is all under control (at least to the best of my knowledge) and will all be done on the day but I am not there yet.
I don't like it. I don't like being disorganised.
I want it all done and I want it all done not now - but yesterday!!!! I can be that much of an organiser when I set my mind to it. Then I have nothing to worry about at all.
I only got fitted up for my dress last Saturday.
That's what happens when you leave it to see how much weight can be lost before a wedding and your mother in law to be is making it for you.
With one measuring up session last weekend, I had a corset and petticoat fitting on Wednesday. The corset was a practice and will now be done in the right fabric. We have found the lace I like for my corset which will be placed over it and my tafetta akirt fabric is due to be delivered on Monday. I am having another fitting on Tuesday.
Also on Tuesday I am getting all my flowers so I can make my bouquets. I am going to get my wedding music into the registry office and having made arrangements for me and the bridesmaids to get ready at my mums, I will be dropping off my big box containing all our jewellery, my tiara, my hair styling and make up things. There's things I still need. The week after I hope to drop off the flowers and maybe the bridesmaid dresses, unless they are all just transported there by taxi on the day.
I've seen a bottle of raspberry and some other fruit sparkling wine. I think that would be a lovely tipple whilst us ladies get ready for a wedding. Will make a change to the normal champagne inspired fizzy wines that I am not a fan of. I do like the fruit inspired sound.
Tonight I am dying my hair in preparation. I always find my hair takes about 2 weeks to become the colour I think it should look. This gives me an extra week and I shouldn't get roots showing at this time either.
The boys will be getting haircuts over the course of the next week. It will be Liams first haircut so how that goes is anyones guess. Matthew is looking forward to his and we'll have to see how it goes with James. All the little ones look like they are becoming followers of the "vagrant" look, but I have been holding off to get them all done as close to the wedding as possible. There will be before and after pictures.
That said, I love James longish blond hair and Liams light brown hair that goes curly at the back when he is hot or has covered himself in some form of food or drink. Poor Matthew has really unruly hair when it isn't cut short but he is wanting to have his hair done the day before. It will be done before then as the eve of the wedding is catering day.
Friday, 30 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
My Ever Increasing Family
My brother has gone and got himself engaged again. He's been with his new girlfriend around 3 months and they seem very very happy. This is more than can be said for the last one.
It is a slight worry that this is so quick and I wouldn't be surprised if I am an aunt again next March. I haven't asked outright, but I get a feeling (not to mention a pattern emerging) that my brother may very soon be a father of 2. I can't say why I have this gut feeling, I just do. Watch this space, we'll soon hear all about it if it's the case.
My lil bro deserves to be happy and he really does seem to have met himself an equal. I wish them luck and hope they get on well.
Things have got further than before with a wedding date being set in mind. Thats more than before. Personally, I don't agree with long engagements that go on years and years. Whats the point? A wedding doesn't take as much planning as I thought it would. Money has been the biggest obstacle but we're doing it on a budget as to what we can afford. We don't believe in getting ourselves into debt over our wedding day. Of course it is a special day and one we want to remember for life but it doesn't mean we want to be paying it off for the rest of our lives either. It's not about showyness or money to us, but how we want to have our day and celebrate it with our family and friends.
When the pub pulled out of our wedding reception earlier in the year. We had two options on where to have our reception. We booked one place and this very little remains of the other. It caught fire (thought to be suspicious) on Sunday night and fire reports state that 75% of the building collapsed. We so nearly booked that place!!! The only reason we didn't was that we wanted to speak to someone in person and couldn't get through beyond answer phone. In the meantime, we booked the other venue. I am so pleased we got it right this time.
My back is almost back to normal. I am still a little slow when I get up but I am sleeping alot easier and feeling alot better in general with it. I do think I may have had a trapped nerve or something and keeping moving has made it better letting it get back into its natural place.
James is learning about numbers. He is trying to count his way through life. He tries to climb the stairs to bed. "Two, two, two, two, two." Two is the number he likes/knows best. Very occassionally he will say "one two three" but 99% of the time "two" is repeated. He is a funny little boy.
It is a slight worry that this is so quick and I wouldn't be surprised if I am an aunt again next March. I haven't asked outright, but I get a feeling (not to mention a pattern emerging) that my brother may very soon be a father of 2. I can't say why I have this gut feeling, I just do. Watch this space, we'll soon hear all about it if it's the case.
My lil bro deserves to be happy and he really does seem to have met himself an equal. I wish them luck and hope they get on well.
Things have got further than before with a wedding date being set in mind. Thats more than before. Personally, I don't agree with long engagements that go on years and years. Whats the point? A wedding doesn't take as much planning as I thought it would. Money has been the biggest obstacle but we're doing it on a budget as to what we can afford. We don't believe in getting ourselves into debt over our wedding day. Of course it is a special day and one we want to remember for life but it doesn't mean we want to be paying it off for the rest of our lives either. It's not about showyness or money to us, but how we want to have our day and celebrate it with our family and friends.
When the pub pulled out of our wedding reception earlier in the year. We had two options on where to have our reception. We booked one place and this very little remains of the other. It caught fire (thought to be suspicious) on Sunday night and fire reports state that 75% of the building collapsed. We so nearly booked that place!!! The only reason we didn't was that we wanted to speak to someone in person and couldn't get through beyond answer phone. In the meantime, we booked the other venue. I am so pleased we got it right this time.
My back is almost back to normal. I am still a little slow when I get up but I am sleeping alot easier and feeling alot better in general with it. I do think I may have had a trapped nerve or something and keeping moving has made it better letting it get back into its natural place.
James is learning about numbers. He is trying to count his way through life. He tries to climb the stairs to bed. "Two, two, two, two, two." Two is the number he likes/knows best. Very occassionally he will say "one two three" but 99% of the time "two" is repeated. He is a funny little boy.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Good Morning!
It's mighty early here in the UK. It's 5.48am and I have been up since 4.30.
Yesterday I did something to my back and I have been in a lot of pain ever since.
I had a slight back ache but thought a walk would do me some good. Maybe the exercise would loosen up any tension. How wrong I was. Upon returning from the walk I sat down to relax with a coffee and magazine but couldn't get up when the time came. I virtually dragged myself along the sofa and had to hold on to walls and anything that I could to get my balance. I thought my back had set and would be better in a while. It wasn't.
I fear I may have a trapped nerve or something in my lower back.
I joked with bf saying it was like I'd gone from normal to being 9 months pregnant within the space of an hour with the discomfort and lack of being able to move around normally!
This morning, I wouldn't say it's any better or any worse, but I could not sleep. Every movement I made in bed was incredibly painful. Rolling over and getting out of bed were near impossible but once awake I feared the longer I lay in bed the worse it will be. So I am down here now, on my second coffee of the morning trying to relax as best I can.
The boys will be up in around an hour and I may have to wake up bf to get them downstairs for me as the stairs are one of the harder challenges. I will also be asking bf to get to the shops and buy me some more painkillers as soon as they open. Being a Sunday shops don't open until 10am and there are no Doctors surgery's open to get it looked at or diagnosed properly. I rarely take any forms of tablets, but there is no choice in this matter.
The hardest part is getting up and getting started. Movement of the right leg makes the pain worse. I can get around after a time but pro-longed sitting makes it harder. My body gets worse whilst in relax mode. I need to keep getting up every half hour or so, just so my body works as I want it to.
I feel like an old lady long before my time.
What a way to begin the six weeks school holidays.
In other news I had a wedding dress fitting yesterday. More like I had my corset top fitted properly. There isn't room for many changes when a dress is being made so close to the big day so it will fit perfectly.
My brother has moved in with his new girlfriend. All seems to be going well with her. I like her much more than the ex. She's certainly a better match for him and I wish them luck. She has a little girl from a previous relationship and I really don't think it will be long before there may be another baby in the family but we'll see.
Yesterday I did something to my back and I have been in a lot of pain ever since.
I had a slight back ache but thought a walk would do me some good. Maybe the exercise would loosen up any tension. How wrong I was. Upon returning from the walk I sat down to relax with a coffee and magazine but couldn't get up when the time came. I virtually dragged myself along the sofa and had to hold on to walls and anything that I could to get my balance. I thought my back had set and would be better in a while. It wasn't.
I fear I may have a trapped nerve or something in my lower back.
I joked with bf saying it was like I'd gone from normal to being 9 months pregnant within the space of an hour with the discomfort and lack of being able to move around normally!
This morning, I wouldn't say it's any better or any worse, but I could not sleep. Every movement I made in bed was incredibly painful. Rolling over and getting out of bed were near impossible but once awake I feared the longer I lay in bed the worse it will be. So I am down here now, on my second coffee of the morning trying to relax as best I can.
The boys will be up in around an hour and I may have to wake up bf to get them downstairs for me as the stairs are one of the harder challenges. I will also be asking bf to get to the shops and buy me some more painkillers as soon as they open. Being a Sunday shops don't open until 10am and there are no Doctors surgery's open to get it looked at or diagnosed properly. I rarely take any forms of tablets, but there is no choice in this matter.
The hardest part is getting up and getting started. Movement of the right leg makes the pain worse. I can get around after a time but pro-longed sitting makes it harder. My body gets worse whilst in relax mode. I need to keep getting up every half hour or so, just so my body works as I want it to.
I feel like an old lady long before my time.
What a way to begin the six weeks school holidays.
In other news I had a wedding dress fitting yesterday. More like I had my corset top fitted properly. There isn't room for many changes when a dress is being made so close to the big day so it will fit perfectly.
My brother has moved in with his new girlfriend. All seems to be going well with her. I like her much more than the ex. She's certainly a better match for him and I wish them luck. She has a little girl from a previous relationship and I really don't think it will be long before there may be another baby in the family but we'll see.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
All Done, Now Hopefully I Can Relax For Summer
Firstly, I'd like to thank a whole load of friends for their support over the past weeks. It's not been the easiest of times but I am happy to say I have had my colposcopy and the Lletz procedure to remove any pre-cancerous cells.
A heated electrical loop was used to take away the troublesome cells from my cervix.
The three week wait for this was the hardest part. The actual treatment itself was fine. I was in the room a total of 30 minutes. That included the in depth examination and the Lletz.
I haven't had any after effects of the treatment. I am barely bleeding as to what the professionals say I may do, I have no period pains at all and I am completely pain free in that area. I keep expecting it to hurt when I sit down (like after giving birth) but I haven't felt a thing. I was expecting discomfort, blood clots and the general bad period stuff but so far so good.
I will recieve a letter to say how successful it's been in the next few weeks and if I should need any futher treatment.
Also, I have to allow 4 weeks for the cervix to repair itself before I can have sex. That means I am officially celibate until I am Mrs T. I'll certainly try and make the most of our honeymoon. Hahaha.
After the hospital we went to the local park with the boys. They are growing up so fast. Liam is really getting to be his own little person. He loves the swings, not so keen on the slide but can stay on the swings for hours. He is also at that stage where he is getting excited over certain toys and tv programmes. We have discovered that he loves the kids show Zingzillas and we bought him a cuddly toy of one of the characters. We could only get the female character but Liam absolutely loves her and she goes everywhere with him and is always getting kisses. It's just so cute. Neither me nor bf have problems with our boys having "girl toys". As soon as boys get to playgroups, they tend to head straight for the toys farthest away from what they have at home. James used to love the dolls. So to Liam, it's just a toy that he gets to cuddle and talk to in his own little way. He loves her to bits and if Liam is in sight, so is the first girlfriend. Liam also is getting to the point he hates being fed. He constantly wants to feed himself. He wants to do it all by himself and tries so hard. Finger foods are popular right now and he loves everything new he seems to try. We had a Pizza Hut Buffet dinner yesterday and he loved the veggie pasta in cheese sauce. He really did do well but tha state he got himself in with the bolognese pasta was great fun to watch. Bless him. He really is an amazing little boy.
James is coming out with new words almost every day. Sometimes he gets it a little wrong as toddlers do when they are learning. "Cock" means coke and "Cack" means cake. "Brubba" means brother I think... he said it to Matthew this morning so it could be that. He knows food words, he knows football words, he knows car, bath bed and if I try to put him to bed and skip a bath in the evening, I'll carry him into his cot and he'll argue with me. "No! No bed, bath peas!!!" I love the way he says "peas'" for please. He does make me laugh. When he's had enough of his bath or playing downstairs in the evening he'll just happily shout "Bed now!" He is a funny little man.
Matthew is on his last day at school for 6 weeks. Year 1 is at an end and I will soon be mother to a little boy in year 2. It doesn't feel like 2 years since he was graduating from pre-school! He's done reception and year 1 since so I am beginning to feel old. :)
A heated electrical loop was used to take away the troublesome cells from my cervix.
The three week wait for this was the hardest part. The actual treatment itself was fine. I was in the room a total of 30 minutes. That included the in depth examination and the Lletz.
I haven't had any after effects of the treatment. I am barely bleeding as to what the professionals say I may do, I have no period pains at all and I am completely pain free in that area. I keep expecting it to hurt when I sit down (like after giving birth) but I haven't felt a thing. I was expecting discomfort, blood clots and the general bad period stuff but so far so good.
I will recieve a letter to say how successful it's been in the next few weeks and if I should need any futher treatment.
Also, I have to allow 4 weeks for the cervix to repair itself before I can have sex. That means I am officially celibate until I am Mrs T. I'll certainly try and make the most of our honeymoon. Hahaha.
After the hospital we went to the local park with the boys. They are growing up so fast. Liam is really getting to be his own little person. He loves the swings, not so keen on the slide but can stay on the swings for hours. He is also at that stage where he is getting excited over certain toys and tv programmes. We have discovered that he loves the kids show Zingzillas and we bought him a cuddly toy of one of the characters. We could only get the female character but Liam absolutely loves her and she goes everywhere with him and is always getting kisses. It's just so cute. Neither me nor bf have problems with our boys having "girl toys". As soon as boys get to playgroups, they tend to head straight for the toys farthest away from what they have at home. James used to love the dolls. So to Liam, it's just a toy that he gets to cuddle and talk to in his own little way. He loves her to bits and if Liam is in sight, so is the first girlfriend. Liam also is getting to the point he hates being fed. He constantly wants to feed himself. He wants to do it all by himself and tries so hard. Finger foods are popular right now and he loves everything new he seems to try. We had a Pizza Hut Buffet dinner yesterday and he loved the veggie pasta in cheese sauce. He really did do well but tha state he got himself in with the bolognese pasta was great fun to watch. Bless him. He really is an amazing little boy.
James is coming out with new words almost every day. Sometimes he gets it a little wrong as toddlers do when they are learning. "Cock" means coke and "Cack" means cake. "Brubba" means brother I think... he said it to Matthew this morning so it could be that. He knows food words, he knows football words, he knows car, bath bed and if I try to put him to bed and skip a bath in the evening, I'll carry him into his cot and he'll argue with me. "No! No bed, bath peas!!!" I love the way he says "peas'" for please. He does make me laugh. When he's had enough of his bath or playing downstairs in the evening he'll just happily shout "Bed now!" He is a funny little man.
Matthew is on his last day at school for 6 weeks. Year 1 is at an end and I will soon be mother to a little boy in year 2. It doesn't feel like 2 years since he was graduating from pre-school! He's done reception and year 1 since so I am beginning to feel old. :)
Monday, 19 July 2010
Hopefully.....
Hopefully in 48 hours time, my hospital trip will be over and I can relax again.
I'm not feeling great about it at all. I hate anything medical and this really does feel like the worst thing ever. Giving birth is intimidating enough, smear tests are far from relaxing so having an in depth internal exam is really making me feel uneasy - even without thinking about the C word.
Anything bad seems to come back to the same thing with me.
I blame every little thing on my weight. I always have and I always will. Despite having healthy pregnancies overall, any blip was blamed on the same thing. In my head, it was always my fault - the blood pressure thing in pregnancies was because I was overweight, so was the gestational diebetes tests (that came to nothing). I felt I was letting myself and the babies down. The fact that this happens to thousands of healthy weight women daily didn't matter, I was/am fat and that's why my body was doing this to me.
I have come far but not far enough.
I would LOVE to get to 170lbs over time.
I don't want to be thin. I want to be healthy and I want to find a way out of this vicious circle where everything crap in my life isn't blamed on my size/weight.
I just need to know where to stop and find that plane of happiness.
Are any of us ever really happy with what we have though? In a world of plastic enhanced celebrities where perfection is everything, are we all trying to be something that is unachievable?
I have a friend I've known for several years. She was as big as I was at my biggest and went from a size 24 to a size 10 over time. Even at her ideal size and weight she wasn't happy. She found new problems. Food obsessions, the feeling of still not being perfect. Still having a body that wasn't what she wanted. I feel she is never going to be happy. She has recently gone back up to a size 14 and I personally think she looks better than ever although she feels fat and like shes let herself down slipping back to old ways.
I admire this woman and think she looks great. She looks healthy, she looks like she's enjoying life but she's still feeling bad about herself. I find that sad. I want to be happy and healthy, that's all I ask.
I'm not feeling great about it at all. I hate anything medical and this really does feel like the worst thing ever. Giving birth is intimidating enough, smear tests are far from relaxing so having an in depth internal exam is really making me feel uneasy - even without thinking about the C word.
Anything bad seems to come back to the same thing with me.
I blame every little thing on my weight. I always have and I always will. Despite having healthy pregnancies overall, any blip was blamed on the same thing. In my head, it was always my fault - the blood pressure thing in pregnancies was because I was overweight, so was the gestational diebetes tests (that came to nothing). I felt I was letting myself and the babies down. The fact that this happens to thousands of healthy weight women daily didn't matter, I was/am fat and that's why my body was doing this to me.
I have come far but not far enough.
I would LOVE to get to 170lbs over time.
I don't want to be thin. I want to be healthy and I want to find a way out of this vicious circle where everything crap in my life isn't blamed on my size/weight.
I just need to know where to stop and find that plane of happiness.
Are any of us ever really happy with what we have though? In a world of plastic enhanced celebrities where perfection is everything, are we all trying to be something that is unachievable?
I have a friend I've known for several years. She was as big as I was at my biggest and went from a size 24 to a size 10 over time. Even at her ideal size and weight she wasn't happy. She found new problems. Food obsessions, the feeling of still not being perfect. Still having a body that wasn't what she wanted. I feel she is never going to be happy. She has recently gone back up to a size 14 and I personally think she looks better than ever although she feels fat and like shes let herself down slipping back to old ways.
I admire this woman and think she looks great. She looks healthy, she looks like she's enjoying life but she's still feeling bad about herself. I find that sad. I want to be happy and healthy, that's all I ask.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Reasons To Be Happy
1. My kids and fiance - As always. I don't know what I'd do with my life if it wasn't for these marvellous people. The boys aren't really babies any more. Day by day they grow more independent. James vocabulary is rather extensive for a child of his age. Liam has his top two teeth coming through as well as his bottom ones. Matthew is about to finish year 1 at school. 4 school days until 6 weeks school holidays and I will have a son in year 2. Fiance - just cos he's who he is and supports me just by being there when I need him.
2. Shrinkage - Somehow I have managed to get my weight down SIXTY pounds. I am now ten pounds away from my dream goal for my wedding. The one I thought would be a lovely idea but thought was probably an unrealistic challenge. Five weeks today will be my wedding day, 2lb a week is on par and I am feeling confident. I just have to keep up my good work.
I wont pretend I haven't worked for it, I've learnt to become diciplined with food. I no longer eat through boredom (not that often anyway) I watch what I eat, how much I eat and I indulge myself every now and then. I walk around 90 minutes a day on school runs alone and I enjoy it. It may not be much, I may be too worn out to cycle most days but my eating is under control and I am winning a lifelong battle. So, yeah, I am pleased with myself.
3. I am back on speaking terms with my mum - We saw each other earlier in the week. We spoke normally. No mention of issues from either of us. No apologies either but talking is progress.
4. Extended honeymoon - We have booked a further two nights on our honeymoon. We are now going on the Sunday afternoon rather than early Monday morning (early as in 3am so we'd have had a babysitter overnight anyway) and stopping halfway between here and our honeymoon destination in Bristol. It will then only be a 4 hour journey when we do leave. Then when we were meant to come back on the Thursday evening, we're coming back Friday daytime. I love the kids more than life itself and it will be very strange not having them for 5 nights, but I'm only gonna get one honeymoon and I think I deserve a break after the stress of the past few months.
5. The wedding: Have I said that in 5 weeks time (at EXACTLY this time I add) I will be saying my vows and looking like a princess!!!
2. Shrinkage - Somehow I have managed to get my weight down SIXTY pounds. I am now ten pounds away from my dream goal for my wedding. The one I thought would be a lovely idea but thought was probably an unrealistic challenge. Five weeks today will be my wedding day, 2lb a week is on par and I am feeling confident. I just have to keep up my good work.
I wont pretend I haven't worked for it, I've learnt to become diciplined with food. I no longer eat through boredom (not that often anyway) I watch what I eat, how much I eat and I indulge myself every now and then. I walk around 90 minutes a day on school runs alone and I enjoy it. It may not be much, I may be too worn out to cycle most days but my eating is under control and I am winning a lifelong battle. So, yeah, I am pleased with myself.
3. I am back on speaking terms with my mum - We saw each other earlier in the week. We spoke normally. No mention of issues from either of us. No apologies either but talking is progress.
4. Extended honeymoon - We have booked a further two nights on our honeymoon. We are now going on the Sunday afternoon rather than early Monday morning (early as in 3am so we'd have had a babysitter overnight anyway) and stopping halfway between here and our honeymoon destination in Bristol. It will then only be a 4 hour journey when we do leave. Then when we were meant to come back on the Thursday evening, we're coming back Friday daytime. I love the kids more than life itself and it will be very strange not having them for 5 nights, but I'm only gonna get one honeymoon and I think I deserve a break after the stress of the past few months.
5. The wedding: Have I said that in 5 weeks time (at EXACTLY this time I add) I will be saying my vows and looking like a princess!!!
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
New Challenge?
Yesterday I tried running.
I didn't get far.
Not because I got out of breath but simply because the bra I was wearing was - let's say - more decorative than functional.
I have gone down a good few bra sizes. I've lost 2 inches from my ribcage and FOUR cupsizes.
I would like to try a new exercise and I think I would quite enjoy running once I got used to it and had the right exercise wear and bra.
I am not eating as well this week, I think I am having a comfort eating period since I do seem to be having one of the most stressful months for a long time.
The eating can be rectified but I haven't put on weight which is the main thing I suppose. I just haven't lost any. I'm exercising I just need to get back onto the good eating side of life again and skip the chocolate and take aways.
I can be that 10lb lighter when I get married. Let's stay positive.
I didn't get far.
Not because I got out of breath but simply because the bra I was wearing was - let's say - more decorative than functional.
I have gone down a good few bra sizes. I've lost 2 inches from my ribcage and FOUR cupsizes.
I would like to try a new exercise and I think I would quite enjoy running once I got used to it and had the right exercise wear and bra.
I am not eating as well this week, I think I am having a comfort eating period since I do seem to be having one of the most stressful months for a long time.
The eating can be rectified but I haven't put on weight which is the main thing I suppose. I just haven't lost any. I'm exercising I just need to get back onto the good eating side of life again and skip the chocolate and take aways.
I can be that 10lb lighter when I get married. Let's stay positive.
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Five Things
1. I am still not talking to my mum. It hasn't sorted itself out. I'm not ready to buckle.
2. Liam
Liam has his first two teeth coming through! Amazingly he's 9 weeks away from his first birthday. Yes, in that short a time my baby will be a year old. Where has the past 12 months gone.
Though Liam isn't crawling, he is shuffling and pulling himself along the wooden floor at lightening speed. He doesn't hang about that little one. He loves his freedom and drags himself around very well. He also loves to be held up and is getting strength in his legs as he's doing it.
Liam has a huge appetite. I thought Matthew and James did well with their food but Liam makes them look like nibblers. I do think we may be having a growth spurt.
3. James.
James has begun potty training.
No, let me put that another way. We have the potty out. We spend time with no nappy on his little bottom. James will sit on the potty and when he begins to wee he stands up and proceeds to wee on the floor. I guess a little boy has been taking more notice of daddy when he has followed him into the toilet than we realised. Bless him.
I can barely remember when Matthew started potty training. I do remember that he never had a male role model to copy though as I had well and truly separated from his dad by then. So maybe it will be easier for James to transist into toilet training. Either way, my little boy is completely growing up too fast.
4. Matthew
Matthew is 6 going on 16. He doesn't want to be photographed so much now so this a rare shot. It does and that concern me a little. I don't want him to think that the babies get more attention than he does. I make the offer but he gets in a little sulk. It's something I am sure he will get out of. The 6 year old attitude is quite a strange one. All I hear 24 hours a day is football. It's hard work when I know nothing about sports at all. As much as I try to entertain and listen to him, I get lost on how much I understand and can converse back. So every now and then, I get my own back. I hear a question about football and ask him a question back about make up and what sort of brush should be used with which product. The football talk soon stops.
He still loves his school and lioks forward to his swimming lessons twice a week. On Tuesday I have to go to a school afternoon. It's a talk on drugs and the kids need an adult with them. My year 1 little boy is getting a lecture on drugs so soon. It's quite scary.
5. Me
I've said about weight loss. I am around 58lbs lighter than I was when I started loosing weight. Here's the change over the last few months. Picture 1 was at the old house. I would guess around March time guessing by Liams jacket. I deliberately picked it because I hate it so much and was just around 5 months ago.
The next two pictures were taken on my hen night last weekend. You can see how I have a silhouette and a waist in this pic. Also note my left arm in the shots is much smaller now than it was. In the final pic, you can also see the change of shape in my face. The make up may help a little but there is quite a change that I see there. I even had one of the school mums ask if I'd lost weight since I moved here the other day. I was impressed and it makes a girl that little more confident.
My confidence is getting better and I feel good. I feel healthy and I feel "lighter" It sounds basic but I do. I know I have lost the weight and feel it. Today we took a 5 mile walk (8km) as a family to the town nearest the village. I wasn't breathless or tired at all as we got home. It's around 2.5 miles each way but we did walk around the town a little as well so it was probably a good mile and a half on top. I was really proud of Matthew who did the walk without a bit of fuss. I think the picnic in the park with ice cream and muffins helped him.
2. Liam
Liam has his first two teeth coming through! Amazingly he's 9 weeks away from his first birthday. Yes, in that short a time my baby will be a year old. Where has the past 12 months gone.Though Liam isn't crawling, he is shuffling and pulling himself along the wooden floor at lightening speed. He doesn't hang about that little one. He loves his freedom and drags himself around very well. He also loves to be held up and is getting strength in his legs as he's doing it.
Liam has a huge appetite. I thought Matthew and James did well with their food but Liam makes them look like nibblers. I do think we may be having a growth spurt.
3. James.
James has begun potty training.No, let me put that another way. We have the potty out. We spend time with no nappy on his little bottom. James will sit on the potty and when he begins to wee he stands up and proceeds to wee on the floor. I guess a little boy has been taking more notice of daddy when he has followed him into the toilet than we realised. Bless him.
I can barely remember when Matthew started potty training. I do remember that he never had a male role model to copy though as I had well and truly separated from his dad by then. So maybe it will be easier for James to transist into toilet training. Either way, my little boy is completely growing up too fast.
4. Matthew
Matthew is 6 going on 16. He doesn't want to be photographed so much now so this a rare shot. It does and that concern me a little. I don't want him to think that the babies get more attention than he does. I make the offer but he gets in a little sulk. It's something I am sure he will get out of. The 6 year old attitude is quite a strange one. All I hear 24 hours a day is football. It's hard work when I know nothing about sports at all. As much as I try to entertain and listen to him, I get lost on how much I understand and can converse back. So every now and then, I get my own back. I hear a question about football and ask him a question back about make up and what sort of brush should be used with which product. The football talk soon stops.He still loves his school and lioks forward to his swimming lessons twice a week. On Tuesday I have to go to a school afternoon. It's a talk on drugs and the kids need an adult with them. My year 1 little boy is getting a lecture on drugs so soon. It's quite scary.
5. Me
I've said about weight loss. I am around 58lbs lighter than I was when I started loosing weight. Here's the change over the last few months. Picture 1 was at the old house. I would guess around March time guessing by Liams jacket. I deliberately picked it because I hate it so much and was just around 5 months ago.
The next two pictures were taken on my hen night last weekend. You can see how I have a silhouette and a waist in this pic. Also note my left arm in the shots is much smaller now than it was. In the final pic, you can also see the change of shape in my face. The make up may help a little but there is quite a change that I see there. I even had one of the school mums ask if I'd lost weight since I moved here the other day. I was impressed and it makes a girl that little more confident.
My confidence is getting better and I feel good. I feel healthy and I feel "lighter" It sounds basic but I do. I know I have lost the weight and feel it. Today we took a 5 mile walk (8km) as a family to the town nearest the village. I wasn't breathless or tired at all as we got home. It's around 2.5 miles each way but we did walk around the town a little as well so it was probably a good mile and a half on top. I was really proud of Matthew who did the walk without a bit of fuss. I think the picnic in the park with ice cream and muffins helped him.
Thursday, 8 July 2010
See Saw Marjory Daw......
My life seems to run like a see saw right now. Good day we go up - life is good. Bad day I crash down with a massive thud an end up with a rather bruised bottom.
First off is the good side of the past few days. These are my wedding flowers, I had a play around with these artificial flowers and got the look I wanted first time. I have diamante's in the roses. This will be my bouquet and the bridesmaids will be the same style but with 6 instead of 9 roses and a few less tulips. I need to do the ribbon on the stems but other than that, that will be my flowers complete. The nice thing about the artificial flowers is 1. I can do them in advance, it's one less last-minute job done and 2. They can be kept as keepsakes for us all.
Part 2.
My Mother.
I wouldn't say we have a bad relationship, but I'd certainly not call it good.
Over the years I have written time and time again about how things never get resolved. How as much as I try to get over problems with her, that nothing ever changes. Talking things over has never made any difference so once again we are back at the same point. Only this time I think I may have hit a raw nerve and she isn't talking to me.
A few days ago, I had had a particularly long stressful day. The kids were whining and hungry and I was cooking their dinners. My mum phoned with a message from my ex husband. Would I ring him when I get a chance to arrange to meet him and his mum with Matthew. His mum is coming over from Greece and wants to meet her grandson for the first time.
Endless times we've had the conversation on how I am not keen on doing this but I will do it because I won't deny a woman from meeting her own grandson (even if it has taken almost 7 years for her to come over - different issue, I won't go there now) So I am trying to be civil here.
40 minutes later, she is phoning me again. He's been on the phone again asking if I can phone him right away. I've just that second finished feeding the baby, the house is a tip, I need to clear up baby and house, wash up and do a million other jobs and I am getting it in the ear again.
I snap. Enough is enough. I tell her "he'll have to wait because I do actually have a life of my own and I will do it when I'm ready."
She starts to defend herself but the fuse in me has been SLOWLY burning for FIVE YEARS and had to come to a head at some point.
"You just seem to take his side all the time. I've had enough"
She just hung up on me.
I'm refusing to apologise.
I can't remember the last time she phoned to see how we are rather than pass on messages. She has driven to our house once. And even when bf was taken to hospital and I asked her to pick up Matthew from school so I could be at the hospital with him there was hesitation as she searched for an excuse. What did she come up with? I don't know if I can drive that far and I don't know where the school is to which I gave her directions.
I'm fed up of feeling bottom of the pile with everyone. Becky is the last person to be given any priority in the world.
There's been so many times that I've tried tactfully to explain that she isn't doing herself any good trying to be on friendly terms with him. I've even said how it makes me feel like I am being pushed out because she won't cut ties with my ex or tell him when to fuck off.
I stopped being scared of him when I kicked him out 5 1/2 years ago. She should stop being scared of him as well.
I just don't think anything will ever get through to my mother on how much she has hurt me over this over the years.
"I do it to make life easier on you" she would always tell me. Yeah? How? The only person it makes it easier on is herself. Matthew doesn't want to know his real dad. He's happy with THIS family. Not the abusive alcoholic that he spent the first year and a half with.
My mum might be happy to think he's changed as he "sounds a lot better these days" but I'm not that willing to forgive and forget.
She might be happy enough to move on, but she seems to forget that this suddenly "doting dad" desperate to see his son didn't actually contact his son for 7 months.
He also threatened to kill me and his son when we split up.
She might be happy to forget that but I sure as hell do NOT forget such things.
Too many time I have tried to explain how I feel about how she upsets me over the whole contact thing and now it just feels that because I haven't called him when he wants me to, then she is HARRASSING me on HIS BEHALF. She doesn't want to see it from my point of view in the slightest.
When we moved he hadn't been in touch for over 6 months. We don't want him to have our phone number or address as he is nothing but a giant problem and he can't switch on and off being a dad as to when he feels like it. I have contacted him since we moved and I agreed to let him see Matthew. He didn't know when he could do it. This bloody man!!!! If you don't know when you can see him, don't fucking ask!!! Even when we had agreed a visit in the past he's cancelled. He is as unreliable as you like.
I've never stopped him seeing his son so he can never accuse me of that.
My mum just "thinks" this and that and blah blah. She isn't the one that has to deal with him. She isn't the one who has to deal with an upset Matthew when his dad doesn't contact him. When he doesn't get a present for his birthday or christmas from his dad.
"Maybe he's short on money".
"Yes mother, we're all short on money. It's Christmas we're in recession, but I am getting all my kids a christmas present or two cos it's what parents do."
There always seems to be an excuse for him.
I stopped giving into him when I left him. I'm not going to keep running around after him for the rest of my life. If my mother chooses to do so, then that's up to her but I am not apologising for my words as I only said what's been said enough times before and whilst I can understand she may be fed up of him calling her, she has made it her own doing telling him to call her whenever he feels like it. She is NOT his mother in law anymore and CAN just walk away but she wont.
I didnt want him to have my number as I have had enough harrassment over the years, so the last thing I want is my mum to be harrassing me instead.
It's not like I've never raised this issue before. It's been said so many times and I have enough other stuff to worry about right now without my family being an issue.
I didn't even get to eat that night as I was half crying over life and the other half seething.
I give up on my whole family right now.
I thought they were the people I should rely on for support.
At least BF understands.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Feeling Good
Moving on from the last entry, I will not let one little health scare put me off anything between now and the appointment. I had my day of worry, my day I felt the stress of it but in all, stressing about it does no good in the slightest. I plan on just getting through normally and cross any bridges as and when necessary.
It helps that I have bf and the kids as distractions. I have a busy lifestyle and I have my friends.
My hen night at the weekend was great fun. We were a group of civilised ladies and it was just good for us all to have a get together.
The girls were gentle with me. Myself, my 3 bridesmaids, my mum, mum in law, my nan and 2 old friends had a chinese buffet meal to begin the evening. We didn't have to dress up too silly, the girls had little plastic tiaras and the bridesmaid, mother of the bride and mother of the groom had sashes. I had a special flashy light tiara and bride to be sash. We did spend alot of time in the chinese. The meal was lovely and we all took our time and enjoyed a few bottles of wine between us. We then moved on to two pubs around the town. In the second pub I drank water only. Having been on red wine all night rather than something I normally drink, I felt the effects rather strongly by 11pm. Now, as much as I like a drink, I know when my body is telling me to back off so I let sense rule the rest of the evening and drink something good. It was a very warm evening so it did me good in all ways.
We all headed home around 1am. The alcohol and heat and having had the normal "work" at home with the kids had me completely shattered. I stayed over at my mums and slept in Matthews sleepover bed. Now, I am not particularly tall. I am 5ft 3inches (162cm) but my head touched the top of the bed and my feet the bottom. Despite being exhausted it took me a while to get to sleep and I was still downstairs having a drink at 7.30am Sunday morning.
We stayed at my mums for Sunday lunch and then visited my nan and grandad briefly in the afternoon.
On the way home, we got stuck on a country lane behind some runaway goats that had nowhere to run to safety. We had a very slow drive for part of the journey.
So then other news:
My ex contacted Matthew for the first time in 6 months. He seemed ok, but I never hold my breath for long.
My ex is going to be a dad again. For his own sake, I hope he doesnt cock it up this time. I know I am not the most sympathetic person towards him, but I have my reasons. It doesn't mean I don't want him to move on and be happy in the future.
My brother has a new girlfriend. They've been friends a while and it's good to see him moving on from the last bitch. He's currently going through courts to get access rights drawn up so she can't keep cancelling and being "out of town" on the days he's supposed to see his son. I always knew she would be very awkward. I can see through most women.
I am ordering my wedding balloons this week.
I am getting the flowers I want for my bouquet and doing a practice on them this week too.
I need a haircut.
It helps that I have bf and the kids as distractions. I have a busy lifestyle and I have my friends.
My hen night at the weekend was great fun. We were a group of civilised ladies and it was just good for us all to have a get together.
The girls were gentle with me. Myself, my 3 bridesmaids, my mum, mum in law, my nan and 2 old friends had a chinese buffet meal to begin the evening. We didn't have to dress up too silly, the girls had little plastic tiaras and the bridesmaid, mother of the bride and mother of the groom had sashes. I had a special flashy light tiara and bride to be sash. We did spend alot of time in the chinese. The meal was lovely and we all took our time and enjoyed a few bottles of wine between us. We then moved on to two pubs around the town. In the second pub I drank water only. Having been on red wine all night rather than something I normally drink, I felt the effects rather strongly by 11pm. Now, as much as I like a drink, I know when my body is telling me to back off so I let sense rule the rest of the evening and drink something good. It was a very warm evening so it did me good in all ways.
We all headed home around 1am. The alcohol and heat and having had the normal "work" at home with the kids had me completely shattered. I stayed over at my mums and slept in Matthews sleepover bed. Now, I am not particularly tall. I am 5ft 3inches (162cm) but my head touched the top of the bed and my feet the bottom. Despite being exhausted it took me a while to get to sleep and I was still downstairs having a drink at 7.30am Sunday morning.
We stayed at my mums for Sunday lunch and then visited my nan and grandad briefly in the afternoon.
On the way home, we got stuck on a country lane behind some runaway goats that had nowhere to run to safety. We had a very slow drive for part of the journey.
So then other news:
My ex contacted Matthew for the first time in 6 months. He seemed ok, but I never hold my breath for long.
My ex is going to be a dad again. For his own sake, I hope he doesnt cock it up this time. I know I am not the most sympathetic person towards him, but I have my reasons. It doesn't mean I don't want him to move on and be happy in the future.
My brother has a new girlfriend. They've been friends a while and it's good to see him moving on from the last bitch. He's currently going through courts to get access rights drawn up so she can't keep cancelling and being "out of town" on the days he's supposed to see his son. I always knew she would be very awkward. I can see through most women.
I am ordering my wedding balloons this week.
I am getting the flowers I want for my bouquet and doing a practice on them this week too.
I need a haircut.
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