Twelve Weeks To Go

This year seems to be flying by quicker than ever. It's been 2 weeks since we got the keys to the new house. Half a month has flown by so quickly.

The last week has been productive on the wedding front. Cakes are ordered and so are the wedding rings. I have ordered my wedding ring from the same shop as my engagement ring and since I got my engagement ring last August, I have gone down THREE ring sizes. I was pregnant when I got my last ring so expcted to have shrunk a size yet so much smaller than I expected it to be! Now I see why my engagement ring is so loose.

I opted for the gold band with a single row of diamonds.

I have also ordered all the individual bits to make my bouquets. Because of budget, I am now doing this myself. I have had a practice and have realised that it is not half as hard as I imagined. I like doing things a little more personal and doing my own wedding flowers will make them that little more special.

In fact I have had a bit of an ebay frenzy the last couple of weeks. I have ordered all the following:

floristry tape
ribbon
pins for the ribbon
diamante pins
gold sandals
cake stand
extra wedding invitations

I did write all my wedding invitations last week to find I was 3 invitations short. I have plenty of evening ones but it would be the important ones I lack. So far I have sent out 2 of them that I have posted. Everyone else will get theirs as I see them or they will have them posted through doors.

It's now only 12 weeks until the big day!!! We had 13 months to plan for this and now we're almost into single digit weeks. (It's like being pregnant all over again)

Where has that time gone? Once everyone is invited I only need to get the decorations in order then all is booked and organised. Phew. Then it's the waiting game for everything to turn up and be right on August 21st.

Weight Update

I don't normally talk diets here, but since I have started following a couple of inspirational new blogs, I thought I would add in my two cents too.

Since having Liam I have now lost a grand total of 50lbs.

50lbs since the start of October has been hard work at times yet so rewarding.

My BMI has gone down 9 points. That's an achievement in itself.

This was my realistic goal for before my wedding. I still have 12 weeks until that set date.

Another 20lb and I am at the point I dreamed of, yet didn't think really possible.

I am now in the mindset that just about anything is possible.

I feel great. I feel confident and although I still have a long way to go to be a "healthy weight" I feel much happier than I have done for years.

My new daily routine means I will be walking 80 minutes a day just taking Matthew to and from school. It is going to help me further into getting into shape.

It is hard to explain to anyone who has never battled with being overweight on why/how things got like this and how things are changing. It's like an anorexic trying to explain themselves. Food issues are food issues whatever end of the scale they may be.

The last time I lost this much weight was when I was equally happy. I had just ended my marriage and had more determination and self belief than ever. Of course, feeling "content" and 2 pregnancies back to back had left me back at my heaviest. The same weight I was when I joined Weight Watchers directly after my marriage split.

I want to do more, I want it for my family. I want them to be proud of me, I am not the vainest of people but I want to look good for them.

New Home

Apologies for the AWOL predicament.

So much for mobile broadband!

I should have had instant internet access when we moved but the "good" signal we'd been told we would have was actually non existant so it's taken a few days to get a new broadband provider and get it all working.

Two weeks is a long time in my world.

Before I bore you with the house details I will just say a couple of things about my babies.

Liam is now crawling. He's shuffling back sometimes but mostly forward and manouvering himself very well. He hasn't seemed to be a baby very long at all. He really has grown quickly.

James is stringing together his first sentances. He saw a spider the other day and shouted "Who is 'aaat!???" Not "what is that?" but "who?". He seems to have the perception that the spider was moving with legs. Thus meaning it is a "being" not a thing so it is a "who". He even has his own little "chatter" language where he makes all sorts of sounds to try and communicate with me much more. I just love this age. Smart kidlet! He also loves nothing more than to dance along with The Wiggles. Liam also gets very excited when they start up. They are so funny.

So, since the last update....

Monday morning we took Matthew to school as normal. His pre-school exercise club was cancelled but a friend offered to wait with him until school opened so we could be at the new council offices to collect our keys for 9am. This was a 20 minute drive away and it was already a fairly tight schedule especially at one of the peak times of the day. Ten minutes into our journey, I get a call saying the school is closed for the day due to a gas leak. Friend is taking care of Matthew at hers. We arrange to collect the keys and then go back for him. Matthew hasn't yet seen the house so he could come along with us. We had planned to sand the floorboards in the living room and get it all varnished. Fortunately we did manage to get it all done but it was hard work for me keeping 3 kids entertained while bf did the physical work for 6 hours. I took Matthew on a tour of the village, showed him his school, collected new patient forms from the Doctors surgery and the kids were all treated to sweets for being good. After the floor was done, I took the boys home whilst bf collected the hire van.

The move went very well, there was alot to do and I got away lightly the Monday night, I helped load the van as bf got some friends to help. On the Monday night it was goodbye to all the heavy goods. The sofa, fridge freezer, washing machine, dryer, oven, beds, cots, boxes, garden things. Most of it was cleared. The sofa was a nightmare, It took 20 minutes of hard work to get it out of the house and a good 45 minutes to get into the new house. Everything else sounded quite straight forward.

Tuesday morning, we loaded the remaining things up and left an empty house behind. On arrival I was really pleased with how much bf and co. had got done the previous night. We emptied the van and it had to be returned. I managed to get on ok getting things done whilst the two little ones were around. I got some boxes done, made the cots, and done plenty of pottering about organising and cleaning. Me and the babies went to the village to get some lunch and I didn't seem to stop. When bf got back we went into the nearest town for a breather then did a food shop and I was up until almost 1am sorting out the kitchen. Finding homes for all the bags and boxes that were temporarily living in the dining area. Matthew was on his last day at school and was collected by grandparents, he then had a sleepover at my mums giving me more time to get things together in his room.

Wednesday morning Bf had an early start at work. 6am - 2pm shift is not a good one after all the work the previous few days. I finally managed to make a start on Matthews room, I laid his carpet and got his bed together so he had a room to come home to. Once bf came home from work, we had a more leisurely trip to Sudbury town center and had a look round a few more shops. The day had been more relaxed as I am determined to start new routines for the kids in this house. They had breakfast first thing and a filling breakfast at that rather than the snacks throughout the morning that had become part of everyday life. (Yes, I know, bad mother alert!!!) I mean to start well here and carry on. It needs to be part of ALL our routines. Matthew came home early evening and my mum and dad had a chance to see the house for the first time. Matthew was much more impressed seeing his new home as a home and not an empty shell. Wendesday night saw bf cutting all the overgrown front garden while I took it easy filling in forms for schools and doctors, I then had my chance for an early night and a nice long bath. I really needed to unwind and I swear I felt my muscles begin to relax. After being so busy for the last few days I really did need my rest.

Thursday saw another trip to the school to take in the official paperwork and arrange a meeting with the headteacher for a chat and a tour of the school. That was booked for the following Tuesday. It's a bit further to the school than I first thought. It's a 20 minute walk from the house to the school. Matthew seems quite happy with that though. It will just seem a lot of walking on the hot summer mornings and afternoons when I am covering 80 minutes a day without bypassing the village. Good job I'm not scared of a bit of exercise.

Friday we spent the day in neighbouring town Bury St Edmonds. We visited the park, the Cathedral and town. It was a lovely day out for all. The kids loved it, It made a welcome change to all the work we have been trying to do.

The weekend was rather relaxing, not to mention scorching hot. We had bf's mum visit and we took some nice little walks to the other end of the village. I really got a touch of sun colouring, starting red but now it's a lovely warm tan colour. I have got so many photo's the past week I will soon do a photo entry. It really is beautiful round here.

The start of the week just disappeared with the mundane stuff. Tuesday saw Matthew having a tour of his new school and yesterday the phoneline and internet were installed. Matthew is now on his first day at his new school so I really hope all is going well for him this morning. :)

Leaving The Ghosts Of Yesterday Behind.

A few nights ago I had a very vivid dream. I don't often remember my dreams but when I do they are at particular stages in my life which normally carry a huge amount of importance.

I was finding myself walking up a hill. Tall trees were all around me like it was a woodland walk but the trees were rather dense. Sunlight streamed through the broken gaps between leaves and branches as I took in my surroundings. I was lost, I knew I was lost but it was ok. It was not a fearful lost feeling. I was comfortable. It was more of an adventure in beautiful surroundings.

I eventually came to the highest point of the climb. The forest opened up to a very old house. A guest house in fact. It looked creepy and it was inhabited by a very old lady. I never went in, I just watched through the windows. I realised this wasn't a home for lost walkers like myself, but a home for lost souls. I had walked directly to a haunted house. The "people" surrounding me and staying at this guesthouse, were spirits but kindred ones. Elderly souls who just wanted to be around a little longer. So when I say it was a haunted house, it was pleasantly haunted. I did not recognise any of these ghosts but they just went about their own business. I smiled to myself and walked away. I returned back down the path I had originally found and that's when I woke up.

All of this makes complete sense to me. All in relation to the new house in the new village.

To dream that you are lost in the woods, indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind the familiar and what you know.

I was NOT anxious. I was relaxed, almost relieved. I was very much at peace with myself and although I was lost, I wasn't nervous nor afraid but happy to be doing something completely unknown and different from the norm. It was exciting and I loved it. I was keen to explore and seek the unfamiliar. It was an adventure.

To dream of a haunted house, signifies unfinished emotional business, related to your childhood family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings.

Unfinished emotional business and repressed memories or feelings.... That's the interesting bit.

All the time I have been packing things away over the past few days ready for our move, I've been VERY aware of how much this house holds some memories. Many of which were bad. By sorting out the house I have been sorting out my emotional wellbeing at the same time. Although it's been 4 years since I split with my ex husband, some memories linger. And they aren't good ones. Leaving this house behind will be an end to any tie that was there.

The new house isn't just a new house.

It's a new future. It's a new time for dreams. It's about letting go of the past entirely.

I have done much of that already, just it will be a complete end to so much. I've binned my "baggage" on so many fronts since this house offer came through and though I have been very very happy since bf came into mine and Matthews lives, this will just be that little bit of icing on the cake.

I am not one to hold on to the past too much yet some things do haunt you and to leave that behind completely can only be a better thing for us all as a family.

Memories have been stirred and I did talk to bf about some. He knows the problems that went on in this house with my ex but talking about the future made me remember some of the things I had forgotten.

I am more than ready to forget about them for good.

Now is the time to move forward as a family. Not to let the past continue haunting me. The fact I faced the haunted house, saw happiness and left feeling happy represents a big part of me and how I feel about leaving behind the old "ghosts" of this house.

I am feeling very positive right now.

Sickness

Bf had a good weekend away on his stag do with friends. They went Friday to Monday and a had a lovely time. Bf did say though that he preferred our weekend away due to entertainment and because we're more on the same level. We don't go on holiday just to drink ourselves stupid (which is the main reason for stag do's) and that he now prefers the more relaxed atmospheres rather than just the boys nights out 3 nights on the trot.

As for me, What a weekend I had.

The ONE weekend I am by myself, I have a few problems.

First one, when I check my home phone for messages on Saturday morning I realise that we had a call when we were at the funeral on Friday. The airline we've booked our honeymoon flights with have pulled out of the airport we were due to fly from.

They can offer us an alternative flight from another London airport or a full refund. Yesterday bf phones them back. I didn't want to contact them back without consulting him first. Of course, he was away and I didn't want to bring down his boys weekend. We asked for a refund. They were rather hesitant in giving us our flight fees back and kept on trying to talk us into flying from Gatwick airport rather than City Of London. They didn't seem too happy with us cancelling entirely but bf explained to them it would cost far too much train returns for us, or we could drive to Gatwick taking 2 1/2 hours, petrol cost and parking costs. But we would rather drive another 5 hours and not pay out for anything more than the petrol to do the journey. In the end they agreed and we are awaiting our money to go back into our account. So that's our flights cancelled, our hire car cancelled and plans all changed round yet again.

The little men have been rather poorly.

Late Saturday night I went to check on James like I always do when I go to bed, to be greeted by the most horrible smell. He had had a bout of diarrhea and sickness. His pyjamas were covered from where his nappy had leaked, his bed had to be stripped and he really wasn't happy that I had woke him up. I cleaned him up and put him in bed with me for a while. Shortly after he started gagging so we rushed to the bathroom where he was sick again and he was so good. Insinct kicked in as he held onto the toilet seat as he leaned over the bowl to be sick. Even at 18 months and the first time he's really been sick like that he knew what to do bless him. He spent most of Sunday sleeping it off. We went to my grandparents for dinner but James didn't eat, he spent most of the afternoon cuddled up on me asleep.

Monday he was sick again as he tried to eat but has been on the mend since then. However, yesterday Liam had clearly got the bug and was vomiting and suffering from diarrhea himself. He looked washed out and wasn't his normal smiley self. He was off food but kept on the milk all day. Again he slept alot and is seeming much better today. Still, I am expecting more sickness later today or tomorrow.

Apart from being off his food a little James is much more back to his normal jolliness. Causing chaos, running around and being a typical toddler. I just want him to start eating normally again. We have been keeping him hydrated but it's not my boy when he wont eat his dinner. He loves his food and has just been snacking on dry biscuits for the last 2 days with yesterday the first day he's been able to hold it down.

My poor little boys.

We've booked our removals van for next Tuesday so I officially have just 6 more nights of sleeping in this house. I really can't wait. I think I have packed all that I possibly can and we will get as much over as we can on Monday when we sign the rental agreement and get our keys. Bf is going to sand the floorboards in the living room so we can do that without the kids being around then we only have to varnish it over one evening when the kids are in bed and then bf and I will have to spend the rest of the evening in the kitchen before bed to allow it to dry. I feel a game of monopoly is long overdue. haha.

Weekend Alone

This weekend I am a single mum.

Not entirely, but Bf is on his stag weekend with 7 friends as I type this. The kids are all cosied up in bed and here's a little time for me.

It's really quite enjoyable. Matthew got to keep me company last night. We were up til 9.30 pm watching tv and playing on the pc before we both went up to bed. I have been much more tired this week, but it's been a crazy few weeks. We all have coughs and colds and we've had our fair share of stresses.

Today was my mums birthday so my mum and dad came over for dinner. We had piri piri roast chicken, cous cous, jacket potatoes, french bread and salad followed by toffee cheesecake (adult dessert) and chocolate gateau(kids dessert). All prepared and cooked by my own fair hands. I do enjoy cooking on occassions and it's been a lovely day. In fact, this hasn't been too bad a week.

We did recieve some good news on Thursday. It appears that my nan does NOT have breast cancer back. The problem looks to be hardening of scar tissue but they are not taking chances. She's had a biopsy done and has to go back in 2 months for another check up to see if anything changes but feel it's little for her to worry about and just want to keep an eye on things to make sure it doesn't become a problem. It's a HUGE relief.

It was a day of goodbyes yesterday as my great uncle was cremated. It went as well as could be expected. But there were many people there to pay respects. It was a lovely environment under the circumstances and though there were some tears, it was more a celebration of his life rather than a goodbye. I particularly liked that way to say goodbye. We all went back to the house afterwards and it was a way to catch up with family I hadn't seen for a long time. My mums cousin is to be a dad again in a few weeks. He and his wife tried several courses of IVF to concieve a child a few years back. She miscarried their son midway through the pregnancy so had to endure birth of a stillborn. After more courses of failed IVF, they fell pregnant naturally and had Holly, now they are due their second naturally concieved child. I am so pleased for them. They took 8 years to have a first pregnancy which ended in tragedy so 3 years on and soon to be a family of 4 makes me SO happy.

I miss pregnancy but I know I wont have more children. My little boys are my world and though we have talked about the possibility of more in the future, I think we are agreed that 3 boys will be all we have. It does sadden me a little but I know that once the little ones are out of nappies and in pre-school, it will be an end to that sort of routine of babyness and I can get back to a normal life for myself. I miss working, I miss social networking through work and meeting people in every day life.

It sounds strange, yet I think the house move will be the most positive thing for me. I said while I was pregnant I felt in a rut friendship wise, I blamed it on my hormones. Things are not much better 8 months after the birth of the youngest. As much as I want to think my friends here will make the effort to visit and keep in touch, I am realistic and think that probably out of my friends, maybe TWO will actually keep up what they say. A new house, new town may be the exact break I need to move on and expand my own little world and social life.

If Only People Could Make An Effort For Me

I am so not a happy bunny this week already.

Out of the 10 people I have invited on my hen night I am already at 3 definite no's. All of which at the beginning were "Of course we'll be there!" people.

I'm fed up of being let down and people taking the piss.

So much so I was on the verge of cancelling the whole thing last night.

I am REALLY hurt by some people at the moment and I just can't be bothered to try any more.

I am the kind of person who WILL make the effort. If something really isn't my thing, but I am invited, I will go for that person who invited me. I make an effort with my friendships, I DON'T let people down unless I can really help it. I make time for my friends and I expect the same in return, most of all on a one off occassion like this.

Despite the invitations and planning happening around 6 weeks ago now, one person has to see an old friend she hasn't seen for ages. Another one has booked a holiday and the third has got herself tickets to a summer festival.

It's not like I am trying to plan it now, it's been arranged for weeks but I am obviously pretty low on the priorities list.

I am particularly upset as one of these girls are one of my bridesmaids.

They all make it clear they can do other nights the month I want, well I can't!!!! Not very easily anyway.

It's MY night so WHY should I change MY plans for everyone else?

I am probably being petty and hugely STUBBORN over this but I don't want to budge. I don't see why I should. If they can't make the effort for me, why should I go through the process of rebooking to please other people?

I could have invited alot more than 10 people. I could have invited everyone on facebook within a 50 mile radius, but I didn't. Why? Because I only wanted certain friends to be there. Friends who obviously don't think so highly of me.

So to those who are otherwise engaged, fine. I will rethink plans through because I will be living in another place by the time it comes round and if they are letting me down now, then theres a very good chance these friendships will fizzle out very quick.

So maybe on the grounds of one being a bridesmaid, I can arrange another date. If I did, I doubt I'd invite the other two. Thats if I can have another date as it revolves around bfs work patterns.