Since my last post, I've been feeling a little deflated and very very annoyed.

Despite weighing in just 4 lbs away from my target, I had my weight jump 4lb the next day. I hadn't eaten alot, I hadn't eaten many carbs and I was really frustrated.

By yesterday I was feeling sluggish, bloated. I still weighed the same. Today I am back to the weight I was at the weekend. It really did get to me. It's so dis-heartening working at something to be met with the reverse result.

Also, despite having my Lletz treatment and having no after effects, I started bleeding the week after. I have now been bleeding 14 days. Over the weekend, I thought it was stopping, then yesterday I was losing a lot of blood. I was so fed up. I'm getting married in 10 days, I am getting stressed over it. Today however, I am back to a very light bleed so it may be coming to an end. The "bleed" lasts 2 weeks on average so tonight/tomorrow morning will be the 2 weeks so hopefully, this is the very final stage and the increase was a hormonal thing.

This is where I am going to sound completely stupid. With the bloating, the crappy feeling, slight cramps and the weight gain etc, I did wonder if I was having a period. I don't get periods you see. I am on the depo provera contraception injection and its been over six months since my last period. I know the treatment I had interferes with menstrual cycles but since I haven't been aware of one for over half a year, I wasn't sure if it's the Lletz cycle of healing or otherwise.

Today I am only 1lb above what I was the weekend. Wednesday is normally my heavy day of the week so it may have just been a body blip and that 4lb is still in sight.

My dress is close to completion. It needs some finishing touches but should certainly be done by Friday or Saturday. My veil is also ready, it just needs some sparkle added and that's done too.

All flowers are ready now. I spent an hour last night sewing - that's right I said sewing- the ribbon around the flower stalks. They are now complete.

I have phoned the balloon suppliers and changed the table balloons from purple and gold to purple and cream since there wasn't as much gold detailing in my dress as I first assumed. I do have my gold jewellery though for added sparkle.

Any loss is a loss and therefor a success

Yum yum - Really!!!! I love salad. This pic (minus the avacado) makes me want my lunch.

Now, I wasn't planning on an update today, but here I am.

For those who are interested, I have 12 days until my final weigh in now. It's being bought forward a day because I am not going to be in my own home with my own scales on the morning of the wedding.

I don't know if people have noticed but I have a ticker to the right of my page to show progress without all the weight loss chat. So..................

I am 4lbs away from 70lbs. Being such a low figure, I am so determined to do it over the next 7 days.

I am probably completely insane but I am omitting more starch/heavy carbs than ever.

Yesterday I had a dress fitting, I have no full length mirrors in my house so my mother in law took some photos of front and back view on her phone.

It didn't look like me.

It wasn't how I picture myself.

A corset top, a flowing skirt, a silhouette of a woman. It looked good. It really didn't seem to be MY body.

I am by no means slim, but I am so happy with the achievement I have made. From a size 24 (US 28) to a size 16-18 (US 12-14) in 10 months is a huge milestone.

I love my dress, I love the way I look in it.

I may not pregnant like during my first wedding, but I am around 30lbs lighter - if not more lighter than that. I never checked my weight much until the end of my first pregnancy the depression really set in. Not post natal but the disillusion of marriage. The realisation of the mistake I made and how I realised that the life I had was not how marriage and a family should be. I put on more weight after my first pregnancy than when I was pregnant. My weight soared. My confidence plummeted. I slipped further into the vicious circle.

After the wedding I am taking a short break from dieting. I am going to enjoy food on my honeymoon. I am not going to think carbs, calories or points for a good week. I am not giving up I am giving my body a break.

I will then start on my next goal. I will create a new ticker and I won't necessarily give myself a time scale. It will be a work in progress at my own pace.

Any loss is a loss and therefor a success!!!! This is my mantra girls, abide by it.

Crap weeks happen, it's the distance you've travelled, the hills you've climbed to get there that matter. Not the temporary road block.

Good luck to all those in dieting worlds themselves.

Oh, I almost forgot, I'm also no longer morbidly obese but just obese. It's still an improvement!!! :)

Two Weeks

I can't believe that in just two short weeks, I will be at my mums house getting ready to get married.

I can't say much more about that since I am trying to hold back a couple of little surprises for bf. I've been working on something personal, but that's all I am going to say as I know he reads this sometimes.

I think everything is there now. I am just awaiting another wedding dress fitting then hopefully, it should be completed this week. The food needs to be done the day before but other than that there is nothing else we can do but wait now.

I've never been so excited nor terrified about anything in my life.

I've been planning this a year, this is my dream wedding, I've planned it all now I just want it to go as well as I want it to.

I must admit, I never got wedding nerves with my first marriage. It was rushed through in 6 weeks. It wasn't what I wanted as the budget was so low. Everything was "fine", that "did" for what I wanted, it wasn't thought out beyond a simple ceremony with minimal guests and a party a few days on.

There's not many brides out ther that get to the point that they wish their husband to be would have cold feet at the last minute not turn up.  I wasn't brave enough to say no, and I did not want to disappoint my family by cancelling it myself. They paid for EVERYTHING and my heart wasn't in it so I just opted for the cheapest option of everything for their sakes. 

I wasn't ready for marriage, but in a psychologically abusive relationship it was easier to do as he said rather than "defy" him. I did grow in strength. It's amazing what a strong person a child can make you into. It's what makes you a mother. Your own worries and stresses  are irrelevent as the child is the most important person in the world. As a mother, you have to ensure they grow up happy.

Needless to say, this wedding is a world apart. I cannot wait to be in my finished dress, hair and make up done, my going away bag packed. My mum is paying for my wedding dress, that's all I've asked of from my parents. They did so much before and we've done most of everything else ourselves. We've done well on bf's wage.

Speaking of which, the interview went well at the restaurant, he did a trial shift and liked it. Tomorrow he has his second trial shift and will probably be handing in his notice on Monday. The money is a big payrise, we'll have alot less outgoings towards petrol and it's near home. We will be at least £120 a WEEK better off. It's a good job, and I would love him to snap it up but that's up to him. I'd never force him into anything. He's the one who has to put in 48 hours a week there, so I don't want it to be just about money or convenience, I want him to do something he is happy doing.

Yesterday we had a quick trip to Ikea. At least it was meant to be. The M25, the main ringroad around London was chaos. There had been a fire on the QE2 bridge, (The bridge that crosses over the river Thames and is the border between Essex and Kent) at 12 noon. At 6pm there were still tailbacks in both directions. 22miles one way, 40 the other. We didn't have to go near the bridge but with everyone finding other routes, there was carnage on the roads. It took us 2 1/2 hours to get there, a little over an hour to get home.

All this for a coffee table.

Now all I need is some little coasters to make it a working coffee table and some magazines on the shelf below.

We have however found the dining table we want to buy with our wedding money. At the moment we only have a small round table with 4 seats. Liam is still in a highchair and we can't have anyone round for dinner. So we've found a beautiful oak 4-8 seater extendable table. Once we've got the table we can concentrate on the chairs at a later date. But there is a huge selection and we love the range.

We have also found the wardrobe system we want to buy in the future. We are going for a modular system of wardrobes, you build them yourself with your own options then choose the doors to go on top. We can completely design our own wardrobes. Woohoo!!!

I did enjoy our alternative Friday night out.

Family

Yesterday 3 out of the 4 men in the household got haircuts. Liam still needs his doing as he is full of cold at the moment poor little mite. This will be his first haircut. James looks so much older and naughtier with his hair chopped off, he really does look like he's around 2 now.

James and Liam are currently playing bumper cars. James is in his red car, Liam in the walker and Liam is bashing into James and laughing so loud. They really are a pair.

Matthew is still in bed. He stayed up a little later than normal last night and is enjoying a nice big lay in. Today Matthew is doing a cooking project. Pizza. We try to spend one morning a week doing something cookery. We have a flatbread with tomato topping, he normally adds mozerella and cheddar cheeses, ham and pineapple. That's Matthews favourite topping. This will be lunch for him and his little brothers. Matthew loves to think he is doing something for his little brothers and cooking for them makes him feel so much older.

Liam has been saying his first word for a good week now. "Mama!" This came as a shock since the other 2 always said "dada" first. I did hint to bf that it's an old wives tale that children who say "dada" first are likely to have a brother and those that say "mama" are likely to encourage the birth of a sister.

James is talking all the time. New words every day. I can't possibly keep up with what this little boy is doing on a daily basis. He is so full of confidence and is so well behaved. He seems much older than what he is sometimes but I do love it when we have a little cuddle time every day. We sit to watch the Wiggles and he will sit on my lap and cuddle up into me for a good half an hour. He does so well. He is always singing and reminds me of Matthew at that age. James is now starting to learn sulks and the odd frustration outburst. Those terrible twos will soon be upon us.

Both little ones adore Thomas The Tank Engine. It's nice that Liam is now getting into his things. With it being his birthday next month (yes, I said Liam will be ONE in merely a few weeks)  it makes it easier on what we can actually buy him as toys for his birthday now. My little baby is all growing up. :)

Bf is going to see the manager of a local pub/restaurant today with the possibility of a new job arising. He likes what he is doing but it's a 90 minute round trip to work and back each day, it's £60 of petrol a week and this is just 5 minutes drive away. He is used to shift work, that's not a worry. He will do more hours but the wage is so much higher. We could be a lot better off overall if he was to get this job. He is a very experienced chef so it wouldn't be hard work for him, he just needs to see if he likes the look of it enough.

Since we have moved here he has been looking for more local jobs. While he is still working it's not urgent but it would be a huge help all round if he was working in the local area.

So much for the wedding is in order now. We don't have much to worry about at all. Bf and his brother are doing all the food the day before. My dress is in the putting it together stages and will then just need finishing touches. My mother in law to be is making it and thinks it should be done with a week to spare. I had another fitting yesterday and some finer details added. All the fabric is in and just needs some work.

The bridesmaid dresses are complete.

The flowers have been bought and I've made all my bouquets. They are not what I was planning to do but I had a little think whilst in the shop and went for a contrast to the purple of the theme rather than have a purple overkill. They are now sitting nicely in a box ready to go to my mums. I am spending the night at my mums the night before the wedding. The best man is staying over to help bf get the boys ready on the morning. I then get to give bf a real surprise when I turn up at the registry office the next day. We've decided to see the registrar seperately so I can have EVERYONE in the Registry Office and make a grand entrance behind the bridesmaids. This may be my second marriage but it is my BIG day. I didn't do it like this at all first time round. It was super low key, a quick marriage, no bridesmaid, cheap dress that "would do" cos it fit with me being 22 weeks pregnant and just a handful of guests. This time I am going the whole hog. I had my practice, this is the biggy! I really can't wait now!

Finally, happy birthday to my nan. She may not be with us any more and it may be the second birthday since she passed away but it's still her special day. So thinking of her and celebrating her life today. xx

This Girl Is Becoming A Woman

I am officially in my last full month of my twenties.

Next month is my 30th birthday and I am really looking forward to it.

I'm far from one of those people who spend my days dreading each milestone of age. I go by my achievements and what each year has brought me and how I have overcome the latest of obstacles in my path.

I've been sitting here this morning thinking how much has changed in the last decade.

As I sat down this Sunday morning with a cup of coffee at 6.30am I smiled to myself. It seems a long time ago that I would have been sitting with a coffee at 6.30am, not like this having a little quiet time to myself before the boys get up but in an attempt to sober up a little before going to bed.

I also began thinking, what does being a woman actually mean?

I guess it can mean a number of things to each person individually.

To me it's about self assurance. It's about confidence. It's about acceptance and it's about life experience.

Many can argue that I became a woman of experience a long time ago. I have a failed marriage behind me which made me realise everything I did not want in life. What marriage shouldn't be about and how I wanted things to change.

I have moved on from that. My single mother lifestyle with one son developed with a new man and 2 more amazing sons. With each child I have learnt new things. New ideas. I have done things differently. I have also made some of the same mistakes. It takes a bigger person to admit their mistakes than someone who lives life in denial.

I am by no means a perfect mother but I do the best I can in any eventuality. Every day is a new challenge. New scenarios arise all the time, not just in the mothering stakes, but every day we all learn something new. Accepting new knowledge and learning how to handle it is something I try my hardest to do.

In my younger years I could be very dismissive. Some things come along and you think "yeah, right. Whatever" but with learning comes wisdom. It's not that I believe everything I hear, I just listen out much more for things that may be of use to us all.

Knowledge and wisdom go a long way in being a woman.

I've lost and found love over the years. I've lost people that mean alot and I've been close to losing others. I've grown not to take life or health for granted. It needs to be worked at. We need to do what we can to survive in this life. In finding love, I've created life.

From the youngest of ages, relatives can have their own special way on carving us into adults. Sometimes they pass on the good, sometimes the bad. We do have testing relationships with those closest to us at times but alot of us would be happier with acceptance in our lives. To realise that we will not always see eye to eye with one another and to accept our differences with one another.

It's differences in people which make us all unique.

I'm much more self assured than I have ever been in my life. I have the people who matter most around me. I am happy with the person I have become over the years.

I never look back at the bad times to dwell on the bad times but to see how far I have come and beaten my demons. I've grown through the bad spells, I've become the woman I am now. I don't need reassurance all the time anymore. I know if I am doing something well (most of the time) and I certainly would not describe my self as a "people pleaser" quite so much anymore. I DO hate to disappoint, I do hate to hurt others but I am very aware that just doing things to please others all the time is not necessarily best for me. There are times I have to put myself (and my sanity) first.

That's how I define being a woman. What do you think?

Checklist

Dress - no
Flowers - no
Cakes - no
Food - no
Decorations - no
Underwear - no
Nails - no

It's 3 weeks away and I am beginning to feel a little..... a little erm....I don't know if "nervous" is the word I mean but I am feeling the sheer enormosity of what is left. They are not the smallest of things but the very last minute things.

It is all under control (at least to the best of my knowledge) and will all be done on the day but I am not there yet.

I don't like it. I don't like being disorganised.

I want it all done and I want it all done not now - but yesterday!!!! I can be that much of an organiser when I set my mind to it. Then I have nothing to worry about at all.

I only got fitted up for my dress last Saturday.

That's what happens when you leave it to see how much weight can be lost before a wedding and your mother in law to be is making it for you.

With one measuring up session last weekend, I had a corset and petticoat fitting on Wednesday. The corset was a practice and will now be done in the right fabric. We have found the lace I like for my corset which will be placed over it and my tafetta akirt fabric is due to be delivered on Monday. I am having another fitting on Tuesday.

Also on Tuesday I am getting all my flowers so I can make my bouquets. I am going to get my wedding music into the registry office and having made arrangements for me and the bridesmaids to get ready at my mums, I will be dropping off my big box containing all our jewellery, my tiara, my hair styling and make up things. There's things I still need. The week after I hope to drop off the flowers and maybe the bridesmaid dresses, unless they are all just transported there by taxi on the day.

I've seen a bottle of raspberry and some other fruit sparkling wine. I think that would be a lovely tipple whilst us ladies get ready for a wedding. Will make a change to the normal champagne inspired fizzy wines that I am not a fan of. I do like the fruit inspired sound.

Tonight I am dying my hair in preparation. I always find my hair takes about 2 weeks to become the colour I think it should look. This gives me an extra week and I shouldn't get roots showing at this time either.

The boys will be getting haircuts over the course of the next week. It will be Liams first haircut so how that goes is anyones guess. Matthew is looking forward to his and we'll have to see how it goes with James. All the little ones look like they are becoming followers of the "vagrant" look, but I have been holding off to get them all done as close to the wedding as possible. There will be before and after pictures.

That said, I love James longish blond hair and Liams light brown hair that goes curly at the back when he is hot or has covered himself in some form of food or drink. Poor Matthew has really unruly hair when it isn't cut short but he is wanting to have his hair done the day before. It will be done before then as the eve of the wedding is catering day.

My Ever Increasing Family

My brother has gone and got himself engaged again. He's been with his new girlfriend around 3 months and they seem very very happy. This is more than can be said for the last one.

It is a slight worry that this is so quick and I wouldn't be surprised if I am an aunt again next March. I haven't asked outright, but I get a feeling (not to mention a pattern emerging) that my brother may very soon be a father of 2. I can't say why I have this gut feeling, I just do. Watch this space, we'll soon hear all about it if it's the case.

My lil bro deserves to be happy and he really does seem to have met himself an equal. I wish them luck and hope they get on well.

Things have got further than before with a wedding date being set in mind. Thats more than before. Personally, I don't agree with long engagements that go on years and years. Whats the point? A wedding doesn't take as much planning as I thought it would. Money has been the biggest obstacle but we're doing it on a budget as to what we can afford. We don't believe in getting ourselves into debt over our wedding day. Of course it is a special day and one we want to remember for life but it doesn't mean we want to be paying it off for the rest of our lives either. It's not about showyness or money to us, but how we want to have our day and celebrate it with our family and friends.

When the pub pulled out of our wedding reception earlier in the year. We had two options on where to have our reception. We booked one place and this very little remains of the other. It caught fire (thought to be suspicious) on Sunday night and fire reports state that 75% of the building collapsed. We so nearly booked that place!!! The only reason we didn't was that we wanted to speak to someone in person and couldn't get through beyond answer phone. In the meantime, we booked the other venue. I am so pleased we got it right this time.

My back is almost back to normal. I am still a little slow when I get up but I am sleeping alot easier and feeling alot better in general with it. I do think I may have had a trapped nerve or something and keeping moving has made it better letting it get back into its natural place.

James is learning about numbers. He is trying to count his way through life. He tries to climb the stairs to bed. "Two, two, two, two, two." Two is the number he likes/knows best. Very occassionally he will say "one two three" but 99% of the time "two" is repeated. He is a funny little boy.

Good Morning!

It's mighty early here in the UK. It's 5.48am and I have been up since 4.30.

Yesterday I did something to my back and I have been in a lot of pain ever since.

I had a slight back ache but thought a walk would do me some good. Maybe the exercise would loosen up any tension. How wrong I was. Upon returning from the walk I sat down to relax with a coffee and magazine but couldn't get up when the time came. I virtually dragged myself along the sofa and had to hold on to walls and anything that I could to get my balance. I thought my back had set and would be better in a while. It wasn't.

I fear I may have a trapped nerve or something in my lower back.

I joked with bf saying it was like I'd gone from normal to being 9 months pregnant within the space of an hour with the discomfort and lack of being able to move around normally!

This morning, I wouldn't say it's any better or any worse, but I could not sleep. Every movement I made in bed was incredibly painful. Rolling over and getting out of bed were near impossible but once awake I feared the longer I lay in bed the worse it will be. So I am down here now, on my second coffee of the morning trying to relax as best I can.

The boys will be up in around an hour and I may have to wake up bf to get them downstairs for me as the stairs are one of the harder challenges. I will also be asking bf to get to the shops and buy me some more painkillers as soon as they open. Being a Sunday shops don't open until 10am and there are no Doctors surgery's open to get it looked at or diagnosed properly. I rarely take any forms of tablets, but there is no choice in this matter.

The hardest part is getting up and getting started. Movement of the right leg makes the pain worse. I can get around after a time but pro-longed sitting makes it harder. My body gets worse whilst in relax mode. I need to keep getting up every half hour or so, just so my body works as I want it to.

I feel like an old lady long before my time.

What a way to begin the six weeks school holidays.

In other news I had a wedding dress fitting yesterday. More like I had my corset top fitted properly. There isn't room for many changes when a dress is being made so close to the big day so it will fit perfectly.

My brother has moved in with his new girlfriend. All seems to be going well with her. I like her much more than the ex. She's certainly a better match for him and I wish them luck. She has a little girl from a previous relationship and I really don't think it will be long before there may be another baby in the family but we'll see.