Jeans - August

Look at my ticker people, 68lbs down. 2lbs to go. The carb free attempt is paying off.

Today I went shopping for jeans. My last pair, the ones I lovingly nicknamed "my thin jeans" were just too big. They were sagging everywhere even on my knees. So I went out looking for new ones. Still in the dark about what size I am officially I went into my favourite clothes shop and tried on a pair I thought I should fit into. They were about 4 inches too big around my waist and 6 inches around my bum.

I went to try on the size below and they were out of stock. Something though made me be brave and skip to the next size down.

It was worth a try.

I thought they probably would not do up at all as we always need to allow extra for jeans.

They went on over my legs and thighs the perfect fit. The test was in the doing up. They did up fine. I confess to a little bulge above the waistline as is always the case in well fitting jeans after having 3 babies but this is an ongoing challenge and I will make these too big for me too. 

I need to work on my body image. After all I went into a shop to buy a pair of size 22 jeans and came out with a size 18 (US 16) and the hugest smile on my face.

I am amazed by this

Bf is always telling me I am not as big as I think I am. I know it's easy to say and whilst I feel the difference, there is alot of change in my body since last October but while my body and confidence improve, my actual mentality takes a little while to catch up.

I guess the proof will be in the wedding photos.

It's The Final Countdown

Whatever will be will be. Right?

My scales have been erratic this week and the official  number now is 66lbs down. Still.

In fact, the way my scales messed me about last week, (said i'd put on 7lbs in 2 days despite me being good) I am relieved to be the same weight.

This week is the final push.

6 days complex carb free. No potatoes, rice, pasta, bread or other grains. 1 week of solid fresh meat and veg. I don't want to be a bloated bride on Saturday.

Yep, S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y!!!

No "in x weeks" about it, I am going to be a married woman this time next week and setting off on my honeymoon.

The number on the dial no longer counts, I have my dream dress. It fits alot smaller than I was this time last year and I my wedding day is not going to be about lbs.

In all terms. I have succeeded.

*Just for the record, this is not my dress not that I am giving anything away THIS close to the wedding. wink wink.*

And now it's time for something completely different

I am in the mood for a debate of sorts. Todays subect:

Climate change.

Global Warming.

Or whatever it is called this week.

Is it a thing that actually exists?

Is the world changing because we humans are killing it?

Or would this all be happening as part of the universal cycle?

My views on this are straight forward.

I believe that while we are not helping with the altering world, extreme weather, pattern changes and all sorts of other phenomena would happen wether we were here or not.

I like to think I am rather scientifically minded and see that each part of what goes in the world is a big cycle.

Let's begin with earthquakes.

A headline reads "Asia's biggest quake since 1924"

This does not mean that this is the biggest earthquake ever, it doesn't mean there's not been others but it's the biggest one in a while. One thing we get alot of in England is statistics on rainfall "The Wettest summer since 1932" etc. "The dryest January since records began!" English weather records started in the mid 50's so we've had the dryest January in over 50 years.

These do not sound such shocking headlines when put in realist non-panic-mongering terms do they?

Another thing I always think about when turning a blind eye to the apocolyptic weather tales, is that we know more than ever about more than ever.

Jump back 150 years.

Would we have known about flooding in Pakistan? What was happening in South Korea? What was happening in the next village?

News was slow and often word of mouth. Newspapers were printed slower and news could be 2-3 days behind by the time it reached press, another 2 by the time it was in the hands of the vendors.

The world has got smaller since science and technology have come into this world on it's grand scale that it is. Communications have got stronger and nowhere in the world is beyond reach with air travel. If something big in the world happens, news correspondents are often there within hours to report live. Nothing is out of reach with the world media. We hear about everything. We know as much about the other side of the world as we do about our own towns.

Some things of course can only be blamed on man.

The oil spill.
Wars.
The shortage of fossil fuels.

But humans never seem to be happy unless they are fretting about something.

Emissions from fuels do have an effect on the environment. The smog of the polluted cities, the state of the rivers and seas.

Now what about the ozone layer?  More to the point that hole in the ozone layer we heard so much about in the 90's that doesn't even get a mention these days? When did you last hear about the ozone layer? So what really causes that? Work of man or a cycle from the sun?

The sun goes through cycles. The sun burns hotter than it did 2000 years ago, during the ice age the sun was on a cooling period. The sun goes through ages and phrases as does the earth. The sun is expected to burn itself out with it's intense burning and eruptions in around 2 million years.

So is it us? Is it the earth? Or even the sun that is to blame for the worlds climate right now?

I've left some seeds for you to think about, so join in and share your thoughts.

Since my last post, I've been feeling a little deflated and very very annoyed.

Despite weighing in just 4 lbs away from my target, I had my weight jump 4lb the next day. I hadn't eaten alot, I hadn't eaten many carbs and I was really frustrated.

By yesterday I was feeling sluggish, bloated. I still weighed the same. Today I am back to the weight I was at the weekend. It really did get to me. It's so dis-heartening working at something to be met with the reverse result.

Also, despite having my Lletz treatment and having no after effects, I started bleeding the week after. I have now been bleeding 14 days. Over the weekend, I thought it was stopping, then yesterday I was losing a lot of blood. I was so fed up. I'm getting married in 10 days, I am getting stressed over it. Today however, I am back to a very light bleed so it may be coming to an end. The "bleed" lasts 2 weeks on average so tonight/tomorrow morning will be the 2 weeks so hopefully, this is the very final stage and the increase was a hormonal thing.

This is where I am going to sound completely stupid. With the bloating, the crappy feeling, slight cramps and the weight gain etc, I did wonder if I was having a period. I don't get periods you see. I am on the depo provera contraception injection and its been over six months since my last period. I know the treatment I had interferes with menstrual cycles but since I haven't been aware of one for over half a year, I wasn't sure if it's the Lletz cycle of healing or otherwise.

Today I am only 1lb above what I was the weekend. Wednesday is normally my heavy day of the week so it may have just been a body blip and that 4lb is still in sight.

My dress is close to completion. It needs some finishing touches but should certainly be done by Friday or Saturday. My veil is also ready, it just needs some sparkle added and that's done too.

All flowers are ready now. I spent an hour last night sewing - that's right I said sewing- the ribbon around the flower stalks. They are now complete.

I have phoned the balloon suppliers and changed the table balloons from purple and gold to purple and cream since there wasn't as much gold detailing in my dress as I first assumed. I do have my gold jewellery though for added sparkle.

Any loss is a loss and therefor a success

Yum yum - Really!!!! I love salad. This pic (minus the avacado) makes me want my lunch.

Now, I wasn't planning on an update today, but here I am.

For those who are interested, I have 12 days until my final weigh in now. It's being bought forward a day because I am not going to be in my own home with my own scales on the morning of the wedding.

I don't know if people have noticed but I have a ticker to the right of my page to show progress without all the weight loss chat. So..................

I am 4lbs away from 70lbs. Being such a low figure, I am so determined to do it over the next 7 days.

I am probably completely insane but I am omitting more starch/heavy carbs than ever.

Yesterday I had a dress fitting, I have no full length mirrors in my house so my mother in law took some photos of front and back view on her phone.

It didn't look like me.

It wasn't how I picture myself.

A corset top, a flowing skirt, a silhouette of a woman. It looked good. It really didn't seem to be MY body.

I am by no means slim, but I am so happy with the achievement I have made. From a size 24 (US 28) to a size 16-18 (US 12-14) in 10 months is a huge milestone.

I love my dress, I love the way I look in it.

I may not pregnant like during my first wedding, but I am around 30lbs lighter - if not more lighter than that. I never checked my weight much until the end of my first pregnancy the depression really set in. Not post natal but the disillusion of marriage. The realisation of the mistake I made and how I realised that the life I had was not how marriage and a family should be. I put on more weight after my first pregnancy than when I was pregnant. My weight soared. My confidence plummeted. I slipped further into the vicious circle.

After the wedding I am taking a short break from dieting. I am going to enjoy food on my honeymoon. I am not going to think carbs, calories or points for a good week. I am not giving up I am giving my body a break.

I will then start on my next goal. I will create a new ticker and I won't necessarily give myself a time scale. It will be a work in progress at my own pace.

Any loss is a loss and therefor a success!!!! This is my mantra girls, abide by it.

Crap weeks happen, it's the distance you've travelled, the hills you've climbed to get there that matter. Not the temporary road block.

Good luck to all those in dieting worlds themselves.

Oh, I almost forgot, I'm also no longer morbidly obese but just obese. It's still an improvement!!! :)

Two Weeks

I can't believe that in just two short weeks, I will be at my mums house getting ready to get married.

I can't say much more about that since I am trying to hold back a couple of little surprises for bf. I've been working on something personal, but that's all I am going to say as I know he reads this sometimes.

I think everything is there now. I am just awaiting another wedding dress fitting then hopefully, it should be completed this week. The food needs to be done the day before but other than that there is nothing else we can do but wait now.

I've never been so excited nor terrified about anything in my life.

I've been planning this a year, this is my dream wedding, I've planned it all now I just want it to go as well as I want it to.

I must admit, I never got wedding nerves with my first marriage. It was rushed through in 6 weeks. It wasn't what I wanted as the budget was so low. Everything was "fine", that "did" for what I wanted, it wasn't thought out beyond a simple ceremony with minimal guests and a party a few days on.

There's not many brides out ther that get to the point that they wish their husband to be would have cold feet at the last minute not turn up.  I wasn't brave enough to say no, and I did not want to disappoint my family by cancelling it myself. They paid for EVERYTHING and my heart wasn't in it so I just opted for the cheapest option of everything for their sakes. 

I wasn't ready for marriage, but in a psychologically abusive relationship it was easier to do as he said rather than "defy" him. I did grow in strength. It's amazing what a strong person a child can make you into. It's what makes you a mother. Your own worries and stresses  are irrelevent as the child is the most important person in the world. As a mother, you have to ensure they grow up happy.

Needless to say, this wedding is a world apart. I cannot wait to be in my finished dress, hair and make up done, my going away bag packed. My mum is paying for my wedding dress, that's all I've asked of from my parents. They did so much before and we've done most of everything else ourselves. We've done well on bf's wage.

Speaking of which, the interview went well at the restaurant, he did a trial shift and liked it. Tomorrow he has his second trial shift and will probably be handing in his notice on Monday. The money is a big payrise, we'll have alot less outgoings towards petrol and it's near home. We will be at least £120 a WEEK better off. It's a good job, and I would love him to snap it up but that's up to him. I'd never force him into anything. He's the one who has to put in 48 hours a week there, so I don't want it to be just about money or convenience, I want him to do something he is happy doing.

Yesterday we had a quick trip to Ikea. At least it was meant to be. The M25, the main ringroad around London was chaos. There had been a fire on the QE2 bridge, (The bridge that crosses over the river Thames and is the border between Essex and Kent) at 12 noon. At 6pm there were still tailbacks in both directions. 22miles one way, 40 the other. We didn't have to go near the bridge but with everyone finding other routes, there was carnage on the roads. It took us 2 1/2 hours to get there, a little over an hour to get home.

All this for a coffee table.

Now all I need is some little coasters to make it a working coffee table and some magazines on the shelf below.

We have however found the dining table we want to buy with our wedding money. At the moment we only have a small round table with 4 seats. Liam is still in a highchair and we can't have anyone round for dinner. So we've found a beautiful oak 4-8 seater extendable table. Once we've got the table we can concentrate on the chairs at a later date. But there is a huge selection and we love the range.

We have also found the wardrobe system we want to buy in the future. We are going for a modular system of wardrobes, you build them yourself with your own options then choose the doors to go on top. We can completely design our own wardrobes. Woohoo!!!

I did enjoy our alternative Friday night out.

Family

Yesterday 3 out of the 4 men in the household got haircuts. Liam still needs his doing as he is full of cold at the moment poor little mite. This will be his first haircut. James looks so much older and naughtier with his hair chopped off, he really does look like he's around 2 now.

James and Liam are currently playing bumper cars. James is in his red car, Liam in the walker and Liam is bashing into James and laughing so loud. They really are a pair.

Matthew is still in bed. He stayed up a little later than normal last night and is enjoying a nice big lay in. Today Matthew is doing a cooking project. Pizza. We try to spend one morning a week doing something cookery. We have a flatbread with tomato topping, he normally adds mozerella and cheddar cheeses, ham and pineapple. That's Matthews favourite topping. This will be lunch for him and his little brothers. Matthew loves to think he is doing something for his little brothers and cooking for them makes him feel so much older.

Liam has been saying his first word for a good week now. "Mama!" This came as a shock since the other 2 always said "dada" first. I did hint to bf that it's an old wives tale that children who say "dada" first are likely to have a brother and those that say "mama" are likely to encourage the birth of a sister.

James is talking all the time. New words every day. I can't possibly keep up with what this little boy is doing on a daily basis. He is so full of confidence and is so well behaved. He seems much older than what he is sometimes but I do love it when we have a little cuddle time every day. We sit to watch the Wiggles and he will sit on my lap and cuddle up into me for a good half an hour. He does so well. He is always singing and reminds me of Matthew at that age. James is now starting to learn sulks and the odd frustration outburst. Those terrible twos will soon be upon us.

Both little ones adore Thomas The Tank Engine. It's nice that Liam is now getting into his things. With it being his birthday next month (yes, I said Liam will be ONE in merely a few weeks)  it makes it easier on what we can actually buy him as toys for his birthday now. My little baby is all growing up. :)

Bf is going to see the manager of a local pub/restaurant today with the possibility of a new job arising. He likes what he is doing but it's a 90 minute round trip to work and back each day, it's £60 of petrol a week and this is just 5 minutes drive away. He is used to shift work, that's not a worry. He will do more hours but the wage is so much higher. We could be a lot better off overall if he was to get this job. He is a very experienced chef so it wouldn't be hard work for him, he just needs to see if he likes the look of it enough.

Since we have moved here he has been looking for more local jobs. While he is still working it's not urgent but it would be a huge help all round if he was working in the local area.

So much for the wedding is in order now. We don't have much to worry about at all. Bf and his brother are doing all the food the day before. My dress is in the putting it together stages and will then just need finishing touches. My mother in law to be is making it and thinks it should be done with a week to spare. I had another fitting yesterday and some finer details added. All the fabric is in and just needs some work.

The bridesmaid dresses are complete.

The flowers have been bought and I've made all my bouquets. They are not what I was planning to do but I had a little think whilst in the shop and went for a contrast to the purple of the theme rather than have a purple overkill. They are now sitting nicely in a box ready to go to my mums. I am spending the night at my mums the night before the wedding. The best man is staying over to help bf get the boys ready on the morning. I then get to give bf a real surprise when I turn up at the registry office the next day. We've decided to see the registrar seperately so I can have EVERYONE in the Registry Office and make a grand entrance behind the bridesmaids. This may be my second marriage but it is my BIG day. I didn't do it like this at all first time round. It was super low key, a quick marriage, no bridesmaid, cheap dress that "would do" cos it fit with me being 22 weeks pregnant and just a handful of guests. This time I am going the whole hog. I had my practice, this is the biggy! I really can't wait now!

Finally, happy birthday to my nan. She may not be with us any more and it may be the second birthday since she passed away but it's still her special day. So thinking of her and celebrating her life today. xx

This Girl Is Becoming A Woman

I am officially in my last full month of my twenties.

Next month is my 30th birthday and I am really looking forward to it.

I'm far from one of those people who spend my days dreading each milestone of age. I go by my achievements and what each year has brought me and how I have overcome the latest of obstacles in my path.

I've been sitting here this morning thinking how much has changed in the last decade.

As I sat down this Sunday morning with a cup of coffee at 6.30am I smiled to myself. It seems a long time ago that I would have been sitting with a coffee at 6.30am, not like this having a little quiet time to myself before the boys get up but in an attempt to sober up a little before going to bed.

I also began thinking, what does being a woman actually mean?

I guess it can mean a number of things to each person individually.

To me it's about self assurance. It's about confidence. It's about acceptance and it's about life experience.

Many can argue that I became a woman of experience a long time ago. I have a failed marriage behind me which made me realise everything I did not want in life. What marriage shouldn't be about and how I wanted things to change.

I have moved on from that. My single mother lifestyle with one son developed with a new man and 2 more amazing sons. With each child I have learnt new things. New ideas. I have done things differently. I have also made some of the same mistakes. It takes a bigger person to admit their mistakes than someone who lives life in denial.

I am by no means a perfect mother but I do the best I can in any eventuality. Every day is a new challenge. New scenarios arise all the time, not just in the mothering stakes, but every day we all learn something new. Accepting new knowledge and learning how to handle it is something I try my hardest to do.

In my younger years I could be very dismissive. Some things come along and you think "yeah, right. Whatever" but with learning comes wisdom. It's not that I believe everything I hear, I just listen out much more for things that may be of use to us all.

Knowledge and wisdom go a long way in being a woman.

I've lost and found love over the years. I've lost people that mean alot and I've been close to losing others. I've grown not to take life or health for granted. It needs to be worked at. We need to do what we can to survive in this life. In finding love, I've created life.

From the youngest of ages, relatives can have their own special way on carving us into adults. Sometimes they pass on the good, sometimes the bad. We do have testing relationships with those closest to us at times but alot of us would be happier with acceptance in our lives. To realise that we will not always see eye to eye with one another and to accept our differences with one another.

It's differences in people which make us all unique.

I'm much more self assured than I have ever been in my life. I have the people who matter most around me. I am happy with the person I have become over the years.

I never look back at the bad times to dwell on the bad times but to see how far I have come and beaten my demons. I've grown through the bad spells, I've become the woman I am now. I don't need reassurance all the time anymore. I know if I am doing something well (most of the time) and I certainly would not describe my self as a "people pleaser" quite so much anymore. I DO hate to disappoint, I do hate to hurt others but I am very aware that just doing things to please others all the time is not necessarily best for me. There are times I have to put myself (and my sanity) first.

That's how I define being a woman. What do you think?