That Time Of Year Again.

Be warned - this is an angry post.

About twice a year I get into a big row with my ex. Here's the latest installment.

On Sunday I got a call from my mum asking me to call my ex. She is still the inbetween and it pisses me off that she just can't tell him to get lost like I do.

So, against my better judgement I gave him a call. He must be on like his 20th new mobile number. He is impossible to trace.

I call him from a with-held number as I don't want him to know where we live. He never found it important to tell us where he lived when he moved to London 3-4 years ago and since he hasn't seen Matthew since November 2008 we weren't too keen on giving in so he could bother us at our new home.

We moved here for a better life and that included leaving him behind.

We've heard from him TWICE this year and both times I have called as requested. Never to get through to him. I leave messages but he changes numbers so often I don't even know if I have an up to date number although my mum always says its the number he calls from.

I try to stay calm but I swear that the longer I'm away from him, the more I grow to hate him and resent calling him. But I went in quite calm.

I tried his number 3 times for him to not answer. I left two messages. In the end I thought I would try once more.

I finally got through.

I got a barrage of abuse. "Why do you call me on this fucking number? Why do you keep phoning me? Why do you hide your number? Why do you ring at a bad time for me?  blah blah blah."

I switched off from it and calmly responded. "I am calling you because you asked me to, so what can I do for you."

"I fucking don't understand why you fucking do this, you really piss me off." he shouts

"Look" I reply calmly despite being irritated beyond words. "You asked me to call, I am calling. If you don't want a conversation like a normal adult then I will hang up."

"You fucking do this every time. You never call just leave messages"

"It's not my fault you never answer it. So what do you want to talk about?"

"You are a fucking bitch and I hate you."

By now I lost my temper.

"You know what" I replied, "the feeling is mutual. In fact I am sure I have a lot more hatred towards you than you have towards me. I called because you asked. I did not call for a mouthful of abuse once again. I am just returning your call so can we please be civilised?"

I didn't even listen to the next pile of expletive shit he piled out but I did shout over him.

"For Gods sake, I don't know what your problem is. You ask me to call I've called. It took 4 attempts for you to answer so don't give me that "I only leave messages" crap!  I don't have to put up with this shit. This will be the LAST time I EVER call you. You can forget about me wasting my time, Please do not keep using my mother as a messenger. I'm sick of all this. I don't want you bothering me or my family ever again. If you have a problem, take it to a court. I have my calls recorded by my mobile operator and if you want this to be further evidence that you only want to contact us to harrass us, then it could be used. And thanks for asking how your son is, he's fine. Now goodbye." With that I hung up leaving him unable to verbally abuse me any further.

We split up mid 2005. Our divorce was through January 2008. You'd think it would be easier by now right?

Not at all.

I don't have my calls recorded but he doesn't know that. I still have all the clauses of my injunction paperwork and all the divorce agreements including the visiting rights that he has ignored to attend. He moved away a few years ago, never to tell us where he went but we're bad for doing it back.

He still doesn't realise I've remarried. We've never had a conversation where he's been calm and willing to talk normally for me to mention it.
In almost 7 years I have recieved around £80 child maintenance from him.

For the past 4 christmasses and birthdays Matthews not had so much of a call, card or present. It was only last year he didn't know where we were so it's the only year it's excusable.

It's not about money, it's not about presents. I would HAPPILY go without a penny, payback what he has given as CM and for Matthew to never recieve any gifts if it meant that we never had contact with him again.

What really pissed me off was not once did he ask about Matthew? I would have put up with the angry start if he took a breath and thought for a second about what he was saying and asked about Matthew or asked to speak to Matthew. But not one word about him.

He only wants a fight and I am not the one to mess with. I've said my piece, made it clear. I expect that will be all we hear of him for a few months then he'll be the doting dad again.

I would rather be seen as a bitch that stops my son having contact with his real dad than to be an irresponsible mother that will let her child grow up with such an abusive bullying adult in his life.

I'm willing to go to court over it. I'd hope the law was on my side and would recognise that Matthew doesn't like talking to him as he swears at him and makes him feel sad (Matthews words) and that he is scared of him.

People can change but he is giving me no reason to believe that he is a changed character and I never will believe it all the time he is foul mouthed and aggressive.

This man never destroyed me before and he never will. One thing an abusive relationship did for me was make me stronger. I just don't think he realised how strong he made me.

But you know what? After years of psychological and verbal abuse both when I was with him and after, it did feel good letting rip and sharing back what I thought of him. I very much doubt this will be the end. It never is.

November 1st Revisited.

I wanted to do this post a day or two ago but since a couple of friends have had scares within their own pregnancies (which now seem to be just fine) I thought it wrong to post for now.

Meet my nephew Nelson.

Here is my son James on the very same day 3 years prior!

Anyone else see how similar these birthday sharing cousins look from their first photos?

I think the biggest difference between the young cousins is that having been born 18 days later (gestationally) and over 1lb in birth weight difference, Nelson looks a little more padded out. Even the proud daddy messaged us to say he thinks that his son looks just like James did as a baby. 

I get a feeling these cousins may go through life looking alot like each other and may even look more alike that James and Liam. They both definitely get the T family genes rather than my own and his mummys own genes.

I'm hoping that the boys grow up to be close and it's already crossed my mind to have a joint birthday for them both next year. Yes, I am getting very ahead of myself. And No, I haven't offered the thought to the other parents as yet.

So James birthday was a quiet affair. We went out for dinner the night before James birthday to a restaurant of James' choice. He opted for a traditional carvery and loved his roast dinner meal.

My boys love thier roast dinners and beneath those gigantic yorkshire puddings were piles of steamed veg. James also loves his gravy! They did very well eating (Liam ate the most) and followed thier meals with an ice cream with strawberry sauce. They did very very well.

On James actual birthday we got up as normal and James was greeted with the scene below.

He had a lot of his presents when grandparents visited. He had lots of Disney Cars items, a big car transporter and lots of cars and building bricks. My grandad sent money so we bougt him the trike and just about everything in the packaging is all Fireman Sam merchandise including the much anticipated deluxe fire station James has been wanting for a very long time for. With the old fire station and the shop, 3 fire engines and a fair few characters (pictured the the left) we pretty much have the whole village. He also got the helicopter rescue hut and something else. I've lost track. We have alot of Fireman Sam in our living room right now.

I only made a handful of cakes this time. James loves Smarties (same as m&m's) so I made some chocolate Smarties cupcakes.

They went down as well as I expected. For the birthday itself, we had a quiet day in playing with toys. We took the boys to the zoo as an early birthday treat in the summer. A trip to the zoo in November just isn't the same. James just loved the oppertunity to play with all his toys.

In the evening we treated the kids to a KFC meal as James loves the chicken fillets and returned home to unveil the birthday cake.

 

All the nboys had a go at blowing out the the candle and we all had a slice of the cake. We took 25 slices into James toddler group the next day.

Matthew was off school sick with vomiting. James and Liam were fine. James began vomitting around teatime (after his day at school - great!) and Liam had some really nasty nappies in the days that followed.

Now on Sunday, I think we are almost back to normal although James had been sick in bed last night, my poor boy. Matthew recovered quickly but was sick alot in a short period of time. He could not return to school until he had been free of illness for 48 hours so he's only been back at school 2 days this week.

James has just been sick like once a day since Wednesday but he is well in himself. In high spirits and eating and drinking fine.

I (touch wood) have avoided all the bugs and germies that have been floating round. It's part of a mothers mentality that we don't have time to be ill.

The rest of the week has been very relaxing. TOO relaxing. We finally got out of the house for a walk yesterday morning and I think the fresh air did all the boys a little good.

We're 6 days into November and thankfully the weather is still mild. We've not yet had to put on our heating. This is good for many reasons, mainly because the cost of energy rockets in our house in winter with at least 2 of us home at any time. The next few days are meant to be as good and remain in double figures oC for a good week or so. I would love a winter like this all the time and I may be wrong but I feel that winter will be less harsh this year than it has been for a couple of years. I am very aware of checking out nature for signs and this year there does not seem so many berries, acorns or nuts about. Living in the country I am more aware than ever of these little things. Nature works in such a way that it prepares for the months ahead and the past 2 years we've had more snow than is expected in little old England. However, this year there is less food for the animals to hoard so I remain hopeful that there is less snow this winter. Watch this space.

At Least I Am In Good Health - For Now

Ah, what a week!

It all started last Saturday when hubby started feeling unwell. He couldn't eat his dinner as he felt sick. Sunday and Monday he had bad stomach cramps accompanied by digestive issues and a full on tummy bug. Eating only added to the problems and had him up all night with trips to the toilet.

Tuesday he had to go to hospital anyway for his diabetes checks. Blood tests show his diabetes is better than it's ever been so all is good there.

Wednesday he was off work as he was so worn out from the restless, sleepless nights but it seems to have done the trick and he was almost back to normal and back to work yesterday.

Also on Wednesday Matthew had to take the day off school due to vomiting. Wednesday is normally just a mummy and Liam day as it's James toddlergroup day but James was the only one missing. Matthew was sick on and off throughout the day but the two little ones were fine.........Until teatime when James started vomiting too. He'd already been to toddlergroup so I REALLY hope that this bug is not going around there right now! He really wasn't himself, neither boys ate dinner and James eventually fell asleep snuggled up on his daddys chest. He was sick once during the night and around teatime again yesterday.

Liam seemed the healthiest of the bunch. However a nappy yesterday and one this morning suggests all is not well with Liams tummy. It's not the healthiest of households right now.

So far, I am escaping unscathed. I hope it stays that way a little longer.

November 1st. What a Fantastic Day To Be Born.

Today we are celebrating the third anniversary of James birthday. Here is the little man around 3 months old.

There was no real birth story. I woke up very early morning needing the toilet. My waters broke, instant contractions. Called the hospital to say I was going in, called my mum to come and look after Matthew. She arrived, we went to hospital. 30 minutes after arriving and whilst I was still signing admittance forms James was born. I must have been in labour less than 2 hours. So that's it. Short and sweet, so all those expecting first babies in the new year - some of us are very lucky with births and it's not all bad stories out there.

Today, James is just as adorable. Just looking so much more grown up.

Secondly we are celebrating the birth of my nephew baby Nelson. He arrived shortly after 4am this morning (2 hrs earlier than James) and weighed a good 8lbs 4oz at 42 weeks and 2 days gestation. Phew. All mine were early so I never have been overdue or suffered the frustrations of a late baby.

As baby was now 14 days late, His mummy was taken into hospital Sunday evening to be induced. Labour started around midday yesterday and we now have a new baby in the family. She didn't get the home water birth as planned which she was disappointed about but they have got a lovely little boy and as far as I am aware it was a natural delivery. So all is happy in London right now.

I am SO pleased for them. S-I-L is American so he was actually born as a Halloween baby to her family's time scale. I can't wait to see pictures and I am pleased that they have finally got here after 5 years of waiting. I'm so so happy for them.

Our little cousins share the same birthday 3 years apart! Both hubby and his brother have become fathers to sons the day before thier own birthdays. How funny how things work out sometimes.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween to my Halloween loving friends.

I have a couple of questions to ask about this celebration.

Don't think of me as argumentative or pedantic but why is Halloween so BIG in the US?

I mean, it's not so big here in the UK but it does seem to grow year upon year.

I understand that it's mostly a bit of fun that you can involve the kids in. That I do understand.

What I don't understand is why the night of the undead, of satanic evil creatures are celebrated in such a God loving society.

I accept it's a traditionally pre-christianity and a pagan ceremony so I understand why other religions may celebrate it but not why all of a whole continent goes a little crazy over it.

When I visited America way back in 1990 it was September and the shops were set up like ours are at Christmas but this was the preparation for Halloween. I had never seen anything like it. I'd never seen so many decorations for Halloween when back in England we had a selection of witch outfits or skeleton masks.

Maybe I over estimate the American (and Canadian?) population with their Godliness and the faith they have but why celebrate the work of the devil when the next day is a far friendlier celebration?

November 1st is All Saints Day. A day of love and peace to remember all the people that were Sainted by the Church for their good deeds and is a celebration of their work in the communities they lived. Surely this is a better day to celebrate for the religious?

Surely it's better to celebrate the good that's been done in life other than death and the occult?

Why is the dark side of faith (another sects faith at that)  favoured over the good?

Maybe it would just be wrong in the eyes of God to imitate Saints?? But it's ok to impersonate a zombie or  blood sucking killer Vampire???  I don't know. I may just be looking too far into things. 

Like I said, I know alot of it is based upon FUN but I like to try and teach my kids about the origins of traditions and I believe that so much of that has been lost to a bunch of people who see Halloween as another holiday to make lots of bucks.

Now, I am not a follower of any religion. I just try to live the best life I can to make myself and others happy. I don't attend church and I don't celebrate any religious holidays besides Christmas and Easter - even then Easter is a small affair where I would rather buy the kids gifts than give them more chocolate and Easter in England is about as religious as a sock! Chocolate overpowers the origins and Jesus death is just something covered in school assembly before the power of the Easter Bunny and Chocolate Eggs are back in the forefront of kids minds.

Yes I do also understand that modern Christmas decorations such as christmas trees and decorative wreaths are more symbolism of paganism once again and maybe I am more understanding on the traditions of Christmas because it's something I've been bought up doing. Halloween in the 80's in England was a small affair and once or twice I may have dressed up a witch but that would have been about it.
 
The world seems to have sold out to everything these days.

Whilst I don't celebrate Halloween and will be a big Scrooge and not be opening the door to trick or treaters this year, (yes, I know it's the wrong time of the year for Scrooge) I wish all those who have Halloween plans this weekend a great time and have fun on thier spooking adventures.

Listy Post

Rather than finish the week with 2 negative posts, here is a listy post.

1. Something strange happened the other day. My driving lesson not only went very very smoothly but certain things clicked. Suddenly, much of what I had been taught over the previous 3 months all suddenly made sense and the things I had found myself struggling with most were not only do-able but I got them right time and time again. I know I still have a way to go but my confidence is growing more and more by the week and I am feeling good with my progress.

2. James is hilarious right now. Trying to teach him the village we lived in this week, I asked him if he lived in Long Melford to which James replied "No, I live this house!" My funny boy. We've had a week of doing potty training yet again and we are slowly getting there. We are seeing improvements but are yet to go back to pants and would soon like a trip out without a nappy. Matthew was VERY quick at potty training but James seems happy to be in nappies. He likes nothing more than reading toy magazines as he sits and goes to the toilet.

3. Things with Matthew have been rather good this week. I am more patient, I am taking more time to have one on one time with him and we've been having fun together. We've been playing on the Wii and Matthew is rather good at bowing and enjoys the tennis. Sport is always the one thing that Matthew enjoys and it keeps him focussed. I tire of it myself but I need to encourage my kids interest as much as I possibly can and I am enjoying the challenge. :)

4.  We are thinking about taking the kids to Disneyland next year. It will be very costly but it would be a great experience for us all. I just hate flying and cannot see how the kids are going to remain seated all that time. But it's something we should do while the kids are still young enough to enjoy it.

5.  My sister in law is STILL pregnant. On Sunday she will be 42 weeks and if baby has not arrived by 31st Oct, she will be induced early on Tuesday. This will be Nov 1st and James birthday. We may have cousins sharing a birthday. We may also have 2 babies in the family born the day before their dads birthdays. Or if she is in labour a while, baby may share his/her daddys birthday of Nov 2nd.

6. This afternoon we wll go out for a nice walk and I hope to take my camera (if I remember it) so we can find some nice nature pictures and get more pics of the kids.

7. As much as I love some of the traditions of British Royalty, I welcome change. A new law has been passed that from today whoever is closest in line to the throne will become monarch. Males have always been ahead when it comes to succession but not any more.It currently stands with Prince Charles due to be next King, then Prince William. However, when Prince William and his with Kate have their first child, they will be next in line to the throne whether it's a male or female heir. Women have always been ignored by birth order and the only reason Britain has had Queens is because the Royal bloodline lacked a male heir so they had to have a Queen to pass on the Royal blood but now Birth Order will be the one thing that defines our future Monarchs.

Contraception Is Evil And Tricks The Body But Not The Brain (So Much)

I am feeling so much brighter since when I last posted. Thank you SO much for your views and advice. It does mean alot to me.

I guess we all have moments where we just feel like life is getting to us and at this point, it seemed to be getting to me via my kids.

My contraceptive injection is alot to blame I think.

I've been feeling rather crappy since I've had it. Restless, crampy, hungry, weight gain, hormonal, sensitive, sore boobs, tired, stressed out over nothing etc.

You know, all those wonderful early pregnancy signs whilst I know I have gone against nature and done something preventeing more children. In pregnancy I can deal with it, I have something good to focus on at the end. But this??? It just sucks that I get all this and no baby which I would quite like. Ugh! I think that before my next one is due in January I may have to re-evaluate whether to stick with it or try something else.

Since the last post, I've tried to change some of my approach with Matthew. To be more understanding, not to yell quite so quickly and to explain things more, like why he needs to get his shoes on quicker or why he can't go to the shops with mud covered knees. I know the repetition thing probably won't stop, but I am learning to be more patient as he understands why it's important to do things in a set pattern. Matthew is very much a creature of habit and likes routine so hopefully this will help us both as we wait for official diagnosis.

Liam is fine so far. As always, there has been no sign of his hernia since the doctors appointment but something has been said and like I said hopefully we can get this fixed or some form of proper advice before it does become an Emergency job like before.

We are back to potty training with James again. It has been so stop start for so long. We're doing well. James also is a creature of of habit and is reluctant to give up the nappies. But we will get things as they should be soon. Liam also seems interested in potty training but I don't think he is ready just yet. James just wants to get on with life, why should he try to pee in a potty when a nappy is available? So every morning this week, he has been nappy free and using his potty well, we just need to try and get him to tell us when he needs to go more and for him to understand why we have to take our pants down/off to go to the toilet. You forget about all these little things like teething and potty training when you have an older child or before they get to these stages. I love lifes little challenges.

I've noticed a lot of other bloggers and people on facebook complaining of insomnia and headaches this week. Add me to the list of those. I've been sleeping so rubbish of late it's not funny. If I am not tossing and turning all night I tend to wake up around midnight for an hour then I wake up around 3am-4am and cannot get back to sleep. This means I am very reluctant to get up in the mornings. Thus escalating as I don't have much energy to do things with the kids, I have a constant tired headache, throw in the post contraceptive symptoms and my patience gets very worn by late afternoon so kids end up fed, bathed and put to bed by 7pm. By the end of the day I am ready to crash about 9pm. However if I go to bed early, I know damn well I will be awake in the night or up and wide awake around 5am with my body having no intention of trying to get back to sleep again.

Sorry for a bit of whiny entry but it's an improvement on the last one where I was just miserable. :)

STRESSED With A Capital S

I've had this window open for over an hour wondering where to start. There's things I want to say but at the same time, I don't.

I suppose I should start with Matthew.

Last Wednesday I went to his parents evening. He is doing very well in maths and science but is still behind in writing though improving slowly. I know he tries hard and I cannot ask for more than that. However, his new teacher did raise concerns about his behaviour. Not that he's particularly badly behaved but because he finds it hard to settle. He can be incredibly disorganised and loses focus easily. He doesn't interrupt the class but he will shout out answers and give additional information that they haven't yet got to. Matthews mind is ahead all the time and his knowledge is crazy for a boy his age. He's highly excitable, likes to be the centre of attention and is rarely still. Because of all this his teacher continued to explain that "no-one likes being labelled but it would probably be worth looking further into this". Immediately my heart sunk but I felt so relieved at the same time. I asked if she thought he had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and she just said that at the age Matthew is at now he should be alot more settled in class.

I went on to explain how I have been concerned about his behaviour for years only to be fobbed off over and over by being told by teachers and health professionals that it's too early to tell and it's highly likely something he will grow out of. I always feared it was more than that. More so since having the two younger boys as even to this day it is much easier taking care of the two babies than it is taking care of Matthew on a daily basis. I explained how I have ALWAYS taken great care in asking his previous teachers about his behaviour. I needed to know how he was behaving at school and for every time they said it was probably just his age, I felt more and more useless as a mum and that I was looking for excuses.

I explained I first noticed it when he was around 2, his behaviour still was not good at pre-school and whilst he has improved greatly over the past few years, I still find certain situations hard and I feel so guilty that I have not been able to get him help, get myself help and that my silent fears and screams have been ignored for close to 6 years.

She was very understanding and looked sympathetic, I felt defeated. I could feel the tears welling up and I know my voice changed. I am sure she sensed that. She suggested that after these holidays I do a questionairre on Matthews behaviour at home. She said it wasn't anything too severe just asking a few questions about restlessness and if he has a temper.

Some days I am close to tears with Matthews behaviour. If I say something to him once I have to say it a dozen times, I feel so useless. I feel that I am always on at him and occassionally I regret to say it that I lose my temper and end up saying all the things I shouldn't. I've been known to call him stupid when I know he is far from that, and my biggest fault is speaking before I think - especially when angry and upset. 

It sounds terrible but I do think Matthew sometimes brings out the worst in me.

I love that boy to bits, he's my oldest boy. My first born son but whilst I love him I could sometimes just cry with frustration and on occassions, I really DO NOT like the person he sometimes is.

I feel a really bad mother.

Especially since the two younger boys are so much calmer, relaxed and enjoyable to be around.  I feel that I do give them more attention and treats that Matthew and that this does not help. I know I often favour them over Matthew and fear that this is making things worse. As much as I hate to admit it, and mothers shouldn't admit it but there is a difference when it comes to loving your kids - I just hope it isn't visible to all.  I feel bad enough about it already.

Weekends and school holidays are additional stress and I hate feeling like this. I love Matthew, I just feel that I would love him more if he behaved "better".

I am not here to run my son down but I am only just touching the iceberg on the difficulties I can have. 

I worry about him. He seems to completely lack common sense and whilst he will be 8 in January he seems to have no road sense despite me repeatedly telling him the same things over and over.

He has the sweetest nature, he loves his little brothers so much and I can't help but feel I have let him down for so long. 

I've asked about his behaviour so many times, I've taken it well and been hopeful when there have always been signs of improvement but why didn't I just ask for help properly?

I suppose that after the questionnaire, he will be referred to a doctor and it will be looked at more in depth there but whilst I want him better I don't like the thought of my 7 year old son on medication. I just hope it's not that severe. I control his diet to involve fresh home cooked foods and try to keep sugar and preservatives to a minimum but it's obviously not working.

Whilst I feel bad that it's taken to year 3 for someone to actually take me seriously I feel that maybe I should have pushed more. Though the reality is that I didn't want to think there was something wrong with Matthew and that most kids his age every now and then drive their mothers crazy!

As bad as I feel that the teachers see it, it's a relief that it's not just me and hubby that find this is not how things should be. And although I would never want anything to be wrong with him in any way, a definite diagnosis could help us all as a family so much and we can begin to move on to making his life easier for him too. 

Now it's just a case of wait and see.

Also last week, adding to my stresses, I had to take Liam to the doctors on Friday. He had an inguinal hernia as a baby and it was operated on when he was a mere 9 weeks old. For anyone who doesn't understand an inguinal hernia, it's basically a weakness in the wall of the stomach which means that his intestine protrudes and appears as a lump in the groin area. He had this stomach wall repaired and all was well. 

Until summer. 

On our summer holiday this year I noticed a swelling in the same place. We were always taught that light circular massage would put the intestine back in place but if it ever did not go back then the risk of strangulation of the intestine was high and could cause serious damage or death. So, on holiday it was there a couple of mornings. It went away again. It happened a couple more times in September. By the time I got an appointment with the Doctor, it had gone and was showing no problems. 

However, in the last couple of weeks it has been back again and I am now getting worried as it is becoming more frequent. So we went off to the Doctors, spoke it through with her and explained about my main concern being the frequency of the swelling so she has written off to both our local hospital and the childrens hospital where Liam had his surgery to discuss the best treatment from here.

Realistically, I think we are looking at a second repair op. The operation involved a small incision and his stomach muscle being glued. Sometimes they use a netting device to stop the intestine getting through but I am not sure if they did that or not. Either way, despite the first operation, It doesn't appear to be perfectly healed and it is highly probable that things will get worse and will have more of an effect on his health. For now it isn't affecting his eating or causing him any pain but he is finding the massage a little uncomfortable at times. So I do feel that we may be having a day or two in hospital before Christmas to get this sorted out. If it's becoming more frequent now, then I don't see it easing off.

So I guess that's why I haven't said much the last few days. Part of me wanted to avoid this post entirely but writing could have me look back in 6 months and see the difference. Who knows?