Muddled

Every now and then, something happens that strikes fear into you and everything you have and have been working for become questionable and much more important than ever before.

I had one of those days yesterday.

I recieved one of those letters in the post which no-one wants to recieve.

You only manage to read certain words as all the other words on the page seem irrelevent.

smear test.

abnormal cells

changes to cells

severe dyskaryosis

unlikely to be cancer

further investigation

colposcopy

further treatment may be needed

It's like your brain goes into scan mode when you get that sort of letter. It takes a few readings to make more sense of it.

The panic builds and you phone the number at the bottom of the letter to arrange an appointment as they suggested.

I'm going to hospital for further tests July 21st.

I read up on my condition severe dyskaryosis. The cells of the cervix are not as they should be. The most information I have found on it has been under netmums.com and it appears to be rather common in the first twleve months of giving birth (most with their 3rd or 4th child) so I can't help but wonder if it's anything to do with the body repairing itself after birth. Of course, this isn't always the case but I'm finding it helps reading about other people who have had this.

The procedure of the colposcopy is like a more intensive smear test with binoculars and a torch. Chemicals are added to the affected area and the severity of the "bad cells" are assessed. It sounds as though I will need laser treatment to remove the problem cells and though they will never return after this treatment, I will need to be monitored more and have smear tests every 6 months for the next 2 years. Worst case scenario is that they do a biopsy too.

All the leaflets and sites do stress that smear tests arent to check for cancer but to look for problems that may lead to it in the future.

This condition is fairly common and it is treatable so it's not the end of the world just yet.

One in 5 smear tests need follow up investigations and this has been my fourth. I started getting tested young through choice.

As much as I try not to worry, it's hard not to. Somehow I managed to go through the day without crying about it. I did get a very shaky voice and welled up when I explained to bf and he's as supportive as ever. I couldn't really eat yesterday and I was wide awake at 4.30 this morning.

Only bf and my best friend know and I won't be worrying family with my medical scare until I have had the colposcopy and know more. The last person I want to know is my mum. She works in a hospice and works with the odd few percent whose further treatment mean bad news and I don't want to worry her unnecessarily.

Also both my nans have had cervical cancer. One lived to tell the tale. The other didn't. So I think I am just being cautious without thinking too much of the worst case scenario.

Saturday is my hen night and the last thing I want is people worrying about me. I'm not ill. I've had no bad symptoms, I just got test results I wasn't expecting.

I've never missed a smear test and though they are NOT pleasant, this just proves to me ever more how IMPORTANT it is to take care of your own health. To have the test where and when offered. If I can be treated now and have a better chance of survival in the future, then every little worry is worth it in the end.

No More Please

Just when you think you have handled enough shit for one year, another pile lands on your doorstep. There's a lot going through my mind right now but I'll get through it, I always do. x

Music makes the people come together and wedding song

I haven't spoken about music for a long long time.

I find that my tastes vary so much. Years ago I was into my rock. Bon Jovi, Guns N Roses, RHCP, Matchbox Twenty. That all seems to have disappeared.

These days I am much more into my rnb and dance again. Maybe I'm trying to relive those clubbing years. I am currently loving Kelly Rowland and David Guetta's - Commander, Black Eyed Peas, Basshunter, Jason Derulo and Alexandra Burke. It's funny how music can change with a person. I am an upbeat and happy person and that is reflected by my music.

Going back to my rock days, I was most into the "heavier" sounds in my teens and post marriage. I guess it was my rebellion. My way of looking at the world when I need guidance. Songs like "Keep The Faith" and "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi have always been something of an inspiration.

Other songs remind me of certain things. I have 3 main songs that remind me of my single days when I began going to nightclubs. Those days were quite a laugh much of the time.

There were also dark times when I needed an escape, I don't remember much of those songs. I guess the mind likes to block things out from time to time.

Certain songs remind me of certain exes.

Joss Stone - You Had Me was out when I split with my ex husband and it held so much in the way of lyrics it became a bit of a positive anthem for me. Whereas many women swear by "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, Joss Stone said all I wanted it to say.

You had me
You lost me
You're wasted
You cost me
I don't want you here messing with my mind
I've realized in time
that my eyes are not blind
I've seen it before
I'm taking back my life

It sure helped when I needed to be strong.

These days, (no, not a third Bon Jovi reference in one blog entry, ooops, I said it again) I am much more relaxed. Less angsty than in my younger days and I am so much more at ease with myself. My life. I see a future and I see it as good as it is now.

So next time I am round the house singing along to whatever happy little tune is on, I think of how far I have come. How much I have changed over the past few years.

I finish now with a sneak preview for my blogging friends. Click this link if you wish to hear my wedding song. I love the words and have opted for the lyrics video.

All About The Look

Have I recently said how cool my kids are?

When Matthew was about the same age as James, he discovered the art of singing.

His favourite song that he would sing ALL the time was Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie. All you would hear was "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Don't Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie" He loved it. It was easy for him to sing and he went mad when it came on one of the music channels.

James is now learning the same talent.

At 20 months old he loves nothing more than singing along to Usher's OMG. I so love it when he joins in. "Oh,oh whoah!!!" fills the air and he dances along like with it. Of course, this also features a certain member of Black Eyed Peas.

Will.I.Am appears to be a God in my household.

I just love that!

Wednesday evening I played with my make up that I have gradually been buying for the wedding. I have everything except a foundation and powder. I want to wait and see just how tanned I get before I buy that because I don't want to look like I have really painted myself up as Michael Jackson.

As you can see, I like my naturals. I have a light lilac eyeshadow on the biggest part of my eyelids and a darker purple in the corners spreading outwards, Maybelline waterproof "stilletto" mascara, (I think I may need an eyeliner to finish off the eye look) and Maybelline Colour Sensation Lipstick in pink hurricane and a small amount of a coral coloured blush.

As I currently have no foundation or powder, this photo generates a certain amount of unwanted shine, that or the flash on my phone is far too bright.

My hair will probably be very similar to this. I want a bun with a high veil. I can sweep some hair across my face to give the effect of a fringe and have my tiara on top to finish it off.

Having my hair down will make me feel like I need to brush it all the time and irritate me. Hair all back will have me conscious of too much face and not enough hair.

Whilst I am happy to give little hints and practices of how things are going here, the dress remains my big secret but I think I will amaze people.

As per norm, the week went way too fast. Fathers day weekend flew by and involved a trip to the local rail museum where we all got to ride on James' hero Thomas The Tank Engine. He loved it and was completely in awe the whole afternoon we spent there. I think we all enjoyed ourselves, James and Matthew especially.

I think I must be due another photo entry next time.

Bf got out of hospital Friday afternoon. He was only in just over 24 hours but all his diabetic treatment has been given an overhaul. They are treating him as though he has just been diagnosed. His medication isn't changing, he just has to have different doses and his long lasting insulin has to be taken earlier in the day. Since he's been home he's seemed happier and looks healthier again. We also had the chance to talk about the diabetes last night. He knew his illness was under control but didn't want to worry me. I knew it wasn't and I was worried because he wouldn't talk to me about it. I didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't doing things right when I knew he was doing exactly as he had been instructed. He's been told to try and put on weight which he is doing as best as he can since carbs and sugars are not what cause the problems for diabetics. We need to find some high calorie, low sugar foods for him. He has always been slim but I have seen a difference since I met him, but when it's something he's always been very conscious of it's something I don't like to bring up. It's like him saying to me, "You seem particularly large lately" if I've put on a few pounds. So, I try to be tactful and help as I can.

I can see us having "his and her" fridge compartments. Full fat mayo, cheese, pate, pies for him. Low fat yogurt, low fat mayo, salad, lean fish and meat for me. Haha. But whatever happens, we are going to get through this together.

It's exactly 2 months to the day that I will become a wife!!!

This is my first attempt at flowers for the bridesmaids. I am having a big bouquet of different flowers in all different colours but the girls are having something lower key. This was just my first practice as I think there will be mistakes and I want to be prepared for all eventualities. They will have alot more roses in the bouquet but this was a first practice with cheap roses (£2 per bunch of 10) and a large leaf from an old bunch I had. I made the posy with buds and left them to bloom into the shape they came out. By the time I photographed them, they had begun to die off a little and have slightly brownish edges to the petals. I also got the wrong ribbon. That needs to be changed to the material sort as the plastic one I used was too hard to shape to the stems (it may work if I was to half the width) and I think softer material will be nicer for the girls.

I had another day of trying on wedding dresses over the weekend and found my dream dress. It's now got to be made. I can't wait. I tried on a few but there was just something magical about the last one. I did find things with it I wasn't sure about but I learnt that things can be altered. They pinned things differently around the bust and I fell in love. The shop assistants were fantastic. I tried on all the ones I liked the look of and I liked them all. The last one, everyone said, how my body language was different with it on and I hadn't stopped smiling since I had it on. I never noticed but these women do it on a daily basis. I am also having a veil as it finished the look off completely. So I am now 100% decided on an up do. Either a sleek pony tail or bun. I don't want my hair to be the main focus but my dress and veil. I have also got most of my wedding make up now. Blusher, lipstick, waterproof mascara. I will have a make up trial in a shop a couple of weeks before the big day. I don't want to buy a shade of foundataion too light when I may tan over the summer months if this sun thing decides to stay put and warm up a little more. I will be going for the natural look. No-one wants to see a bride who looks like she's just stepped out of a brothel do they?

I still have loads to talk about but my thighs are telling me it's 2 months until I get married, I need to get on with my exercise. Have a great week all!!!

A Day In The Life

There just does not feel enough hours in the day.

I wake at 7am, I get the children up, clean nappies, clothing, breakfast. Pack a school lunch, make a coffee. Drink coffee whilst feeding baby his breakfast.

8.20 leave for school. Drop Matthew off at school return home just after 9am.

If bf is not working the early shift we will often nip to a home improvements store/Sudbury town.

12.30pm, normally home. Feed kidlets lunch. Put up for nap.

1pm 30 minutes exercise bike.

1.30pm, my lunch.

2.50pm go back to school to collect Matthew. Getting there is easy but it takes forever to walk a tired 6 year old home from school and they are always late out.

4pm start cooking dinner.

5pm kids eat. I will occassionally eat with them, depends on bf's shift at work. Other times I get to eat around 7-8pm.

5.30pm kids last playhour and drinks.

6.30pm bathtime. Babies go in together Matthew after. Matthew now stays up until 8pm so comes downstairs afterwards.

7pm housework whilst my dinner cooks. Eat.

8.30pm try to do remaining 30 mins on exercise bike.

9pm settle down with tv.

10pm, ready to collapse into bed but drag it out since bf is working to 10pm this week and despite being worn out, I still want to make time for us in the evening.

11pm-ish. Head hits pillow. Fall.Sound.Asleep.Instantly.

So that's it.

Of course this does not chart the nappy changes, the washing up and trying to maintain a tidyish house throughout the day so I don't spend too long doing housework in the evening.

This is why I haven't updated much recently. Not overly exciting and time just disappears in the blink of an eye.

But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Well, well, well

I wasn't planning on updating here this evening but I have news to share.

Today I got some new shoes through Ebay. Gold kitten heeled slip on sandals. (Yep, girly post.)

I try to wear them throughout the house, I want to feel more girly and feminine and sparkly heeled shoes is a great way to start for any girl.

Now this was quite a feat. It's not just that I am out of practice when it comes to being 3 inches taller, but it is very hard to walk in heels with a pair of jeans sagging down around my arse.

Oh, that was so close to being a ladylike few paragraphs.

My jeans have slowly been working their way towards my ankles over the past couple of weeks.

Almost falling over my own trousers every time I dare to take a few steps means it's time for one thing.

Tonight I got to the point I had to try on my smaller jeans. The ones that have 2 buttons. 2 buttons that were around 3 inches away from the button holes last time I dared to try them on.

I have previously tried them on and felt both frustrated yet determined at the same time.

However tonight, both buttons do up around my middle. They are even a little loose on my bottom but fit my legs like the perfect pair of jeans should. I've also been wearing a top another size smaller this week. I am working hard and it is paying off. Maybe not 100% in the way of the dial on the scales, but my body shape is forever changing.

I have gone from a size 24 to a size 16-18 in 8 months. So I feel completely amazing. I have a great new pair of shoes and I'm smaller in the jeans stakes.

Yes!!!!!

Love From A Boy Childs Eyes.

Want one of these cupcakes? Well, my lucky wedding guests will have one each.

They are not the right colour scheme but replace the yellow with a dark purple and voila! These were made by my cake supplier so I am really looking forward to them being done in the right colours on the day.

So what's been going on? Silly amounts of things.

I'm back on my diet with a vengence. Eating well, low fat and low carb so hopefully the weight will begin shifting fast. I'm also exercising far more than ever. I'm back on the exercise bike doing 30km a day (weekends off) as well as getting into the habit of the new school run. Twenty minutes each way adds up to a good 80 minutes on foot a day without any time I may spend in the town or doing general errands for the day.

Needless to say, I am sleeping like a baby.

Matthew had a week off school last week and was delighted before his holiday that he had a girlfriend called Zoe. Yesterday, upon returning to school he was upset that Zoe had, in his own words, "dumped him." When I asked why, he told me that he had told her about his other girlfriend Kirsty and how she is the one he wants to marry when he is older. She wasn't best pleased by the sound of it. Today he tried to grovel and tell Zoe he's changed his mind but she was having none of it. Now he's torn between Annabel or Mia as a potential girlfriend.

The tangled love lives of 6 year olds, hey?

I think my oldest son has a lot to learn about women.

We had the village open day last weekend where people were welcome on the grounds of one of the big houses to buy things and enjoy some of the village entertainment with all the proceeds going to the local church. The village church is beautiful and on par with many of the local Cathedrals. It was a very busy day and the annual fair was further up on the green. The kids were fascinated by the lights and sounds. We were joined by bf's mum, brother and his wife and their two little dogs, Jackson and Coby. They are lovely little things and we all had a lovely day.

Still, when this is on your doorstep, how can a sunny weekend not be an amazing weekend?


The little ones went to their first village group thing today. Monkey Music runs on Tuesday afternoons and they were both rather enjoying the 30 minute sing-a-long session. They had percussion instruments to play and joined in well. I think we'll make a habit of that one. We just need to sought out more toddler groups and gatherings.

Bf still works as a baker. The kids have plenty going on. I just need a little something for me in the not so distant future hopefully. After being a full time mum for almost 6 1/2 years, I would love a part time job to get me out and socialising a little more. The problem being, bf works shifts so I can't take on anything whilst he is not in a permanent shift pattern. Oh well, things will come round eventually.