Not Every Day.....

Why is it that the phone will always ring when you are in the bath?

Today was no exception.

This time it was hubby. He had forgotten something he needed for work so rang to ask if I could have it ready for him when he called home in a few minutes.

Being the dutiful happy wife I obliged.

When he arrived at the door, I was wrapped in just a towel. Passing over his work item, I couldn't help but smile,

"There you go darling, it's not every day your wife greets you at the door virtually naked."

He turned away with a smile on his face and I shut the door with a smile on mine.

Simple Things

In general I am a very happy person. I appreciate things in my life and I am happy.

Some of the things that really make me happy are the most simple things.

Cooking, reading, sitting down with a drink at the pc. The things we can take for granted do bring a feeling of happiness.

My favourite time of day and the thing that brings the first smile to my face most mornings is when I open the bedroom door to where the babies sleep.

"Mum, Hiya!" a huge smile beams across James's face. Still looking a little sleepy and all cute in his pj's - blanket in hand.

"Mum-mum-mum-mum-ma" smiles Liam as he bounces up and down peering over the edge of his cot.

Picking Liam up first, he snuggles in tight. His body tight to my shoulder, his cheek against mine. That's one of the best cuddles I get.

James walks through his room and waits at the top of the stairs for me to get down the first two. Now at the right height I scoop him up into my other arm and I get a little kiss.

It's the same every day but reminds me just why I love this little life of mine, and these little boys as much as I do.

 I also like school collection time. Matthew is just so grown up now. It's like having an adult around sometimes. He is learning so much about so many things but mainly football. The football speak does get repetitive and does drive me crazy, but it's part of Matthew and I love that boy to bits.

Cous Cous Recipe

On the right I have added a ticker.

I have lost 4lb this week (with the help of a sickness bug midweek). 4lb of the 14lb I wish to lose before christmas. I have 5 weeks to do 10lb and my confidence is soaring.

I have set off on the right foot. I have my food in order, the exercise is daily routine that adds up quickly and all I can do is what I have time for with 3 kids, a husband, a house and a dog to care for. At the moment that equates to 50 mins medium walk 2 x a day. (8 WW bonus points worth - I do not trade them in for extras)

I am the type of person who eats to feel satisfied.

I eat to feel good.

I eat good food.

I try to eat my biggest meal at lunchtime so I have time to burn it off over the rest of the day and have a smaller evening meal with extra salad.

I've never been slim, yet I am educated on food and I know what I should do, it's just not always easy. The nicest foods are always the baddest.

So stealing the idea from one of my favourite bloggers, I thought I would share todays lunch and a basic recipe for a Healthy Filling Lunch.

    Roasted Spicy Vegetable Couscous-Meditteranean Style

Take a selection of your favourite vegetables that you have sitting around.

I used:

2 medium onions (cut into segments, half, then quarter like an orange then cut in half again)
8 mushrooms quartered or halved depending on size
a good handful and a half of cherry tomatoes
1 red pepper
1 yellow pepper
a good pinch of chilli flakes (I'm a chilli fiend)
2 tbsp olive oil.

Roast in the oven gas mark 7 (220oC) for around 20 minutes. Longer if you prefer your veg well done but I like mine with a little bite to them. (It does look and sound a heck of a lot veggies but remember they are good for you and point free on WW. So fill up guilt free)

Make up 120g cous cous to packet requirements. In the UK we get a lovely variety of ready flavoured cous cous, I use the morroccan cous cous. This normally is add water, cover and wait 5 mins. On the packets, they will often recommend adding butter or oil, I dont do this since my veg juices and oil will be added later.

If you can't get ready flavoured cous cous add a few of your favourite spices, chilli, corriander, tomato paste and a little chopped garlic make a great base for cous cous too.

Once veg is cooked as you like mix cous cous and roasted veg in big bowl and serve.

I add a good handful of rocket leaves (any peppery washed salad leaves are great for this) and mix to wilt in the steam and add a little on top to garnish.

Yum yum.

This is a big old bowl of food (it could feed 2 if you have small apetites but I do like a good bowl of food! - thats why I'm overweight haha, But I do have 3 set meals a day and try not to snack) and equates to 9 points on WeightWatchers. (7 points couscous - 2points oil) If it is too much, it is just as good chilled and served with chicken as a main meal for around 12pts.

This is also good with raisins/sultanas thrown into cous cous (with the boiling water to juice them up) to give a sweetness slick to compliment the chilli kick.

I enjoy cooking as it's how I like to get creative every now and then.

Good cooking can be done from experimentation and I made this completely by trial and error and I never have the same veg mix twice in a row.

Amazing

It's certainly a week for anniversaries so apologies for all the sentiments my present and last post have bought up. So I apologise in advance if this post doesn't flow as easily as it could. Sometimes, feelings just take over and well.... read on.... see what I mean.....

A year ago today was one of the hardest days of my life.

I had a little boy who had been suffering with pain since he was more or less born.

A year ago today, I held that little boy as anaesthetic was administered before the surgeon helped me lay down my 9 week old baby onto a trolley ready for the operating theatre.

I'm crying now, recalling it.

It was the most simple of operations, one of the most successful they did at the Cambridge Specialist Childrens Department but my baby was going to go under the knife.

Those 2 hours or so (I've forgotten how long exactly) he was in the operating theatre, I was in a complete daze. I bought a magazine and a coffee in one of the eating areas of the hospital and time just seemed to stop. I wandered around the grounds but I can't tell you a single thing more than that. I can only describe it as what I would imagine to be an out of body experience. It's like it wasn't me at that hospital doing those things. Physically I was there doing that but it's nothing like what was going through my mind.

People walked past, doing their day to day routines and I was a mother with my son sleeping his way through surgery whilst his hernia was repaired.

I know it's one of the most common things ANYONE can have surgery for at any age but that is completely irrelevent until that person is YOUR child. Your baby.

We knew he'd need an operation eventually as the hernia was affecting his feeding. The first few weeks of Liams life, he was continuously stressed, continuously crying and I found it incredibly hard. It was almost a relief to discover that it was a medical condition causing his grief. It wasn't that I was being a bad mother - I already felt guilty that James and Matthew had less time with me because I had such an unhappy baby and I felt that Liams constant crying was just another signal that I wasn't coping.

I felt like I was failing all 3 of them.

Once diagnosed, we thought hard about it and asked our GP to refer us to get it fixed as soon as possible. Not long after we had to go to the emergency department because the hernia wouldn't go back into Liams groin and he was in serious pain. They wanted the hernia to go down a little before they operated. This didn't happen so 3 days after admittance he had the surgery before it got too dangerous.

I carried him down to the operating theater accompanied by our surgeon and duty nurse.

As I laid him down on the trolley and watched him be wheeled off into theatre, I broke down.

I'd been holding it together for so long, for the kids, for hubby, for the grandparents.

All those fears and stresses over the past few weeks were on the surface staring me in the face. I never did feel that I had the perfect mother baby bond with him - I honestly felt that nothing I could do could make him happy.

I'd also cry at night with frustration, feeling useless, feeling a fraud for people thinking I'd got this motherhood thing just right and found it easy but it wasn't like that this time round. It wasn't my fault, he was a baby so it couldn't be his as he knew no better but it killed me not knowing what I was doing wrong this time after the first two were fine, just what more could I possibly do for my little boy? It seemed a never ending self hatred pattern. The more time I spent on Liam, the less time with the other two.

I was then failing them. 

I was failing all my boys.

In that room, none of that mattered. My baby was in there and I couldn't do a thing for him but wait and hope all went well.

I was all alone and my baby had just been taken away from me for something that seemed so big for his tiny little body.

I vividly remember seeing his little face when he was out of surgery.

Sound asleep he looked "better" already. So peaceful. So..... not in pain.

It's so hard to describe, but sitting in recovery with him whilst he was still under anaesthetic he looked happier than I had ever seen him. I just sat there for a few minutes holding his little hand and that is when I finally began to feel that things would get better.

He ate his next meal perfectly, he was a hungry little boy.

His personality and temprement changed in an instant and cuddling my little boy with his little post op dressing back on the ward was the moment I really fell in love with little Liam.

At last I had it fixed. At last he was the baby he should have been. The baby who shouldn't have suffered those first few weeks.

We've never looked back.

Today (when the above photo was taken) Liam continues to be the happiest of my 3 boys, the cheekiest, hungriest and most demanding of my 3 little ones. Yet, I wouldn't change a single thing.

This is for you my beautiful Liam.

Lots of Love, Mummy. xxxx

Whirlwind

When we are young, we all imagine love and relationships to be like in the fairy tales.

By the time we are in our mid teens most of us realise what rubbish it is!  (With the odd exception of those who marry and do spend the rest of their lives with highschool sweethearts - FAR more common in the US than the UK.)

Some of us make mistakes as we travel through life looking for the right person. Dear God, the mistakes I made were far from small but I learned alot on my journey. It wasn't all bad, along the way I had Matthew. Matthew gave me the strength to leave an abusive, occasionally violent marriage. If I stayed I'd have ruined his life. Matthew became my lifeline, my confidence, my excuse and reason to do the right thing by us both. Leaving my ex husband truly was the start of the best times of my life.

Once I started dating again, I still didn't get it right. Single mothers easily attract "the wrong type" of man. 

But then, one night all that changed.

Everything I had hoped for in my life seemed a long way off.

Lifes plan was to be married, have a nice house and 3 kids by the time I was 30. I had just turned 27, and I was still married. The divorce was taking an age but friends I hadn't seen for a long long time were organising a night out.  I wasn't going to miss out on this oppertunity of having a night out, Matthew was going to stay at my mums and I could have a real night out where I could be the me I was when I used to hang out with them before. No curfew because of my son, I knew I was in good hands, enjoy myself and sleep it off the next day.

I never expected what became of it.

Three years today, I found myself in conversation with a man I'd never met before. Amazing since he knew all my friends. The night flew past by and he was much the gentleman lending me his coat to freeze himself as we awaited taxis in the early hours of a cold Sunday November morning. Later that day after a long sleep and some sobering up we became Facebook friends and began chatting.

A week later we had our first date.

4 weeks after our first date, he moved in.

2 weeks later my divorce was finalised.

4 weeks after that I fell pregnant,

We celebrated our first anniversary with our 2 week old son James.

We celebrated our second anniversary with our engagement, a 1 year old James and 6 week old Liam.

Today we celebrate are third anniversary as newlyweds, a 2 year old James, 14month old Liam, a new house and a new puppy. Phew!

That's what I call a whirlwind romance!!!

We appear to have done more in 3 years than some people do in 10.

Matthew has always seen him as his dad and they get on wonderfully.

Three years ago today, a very improtant event occurred and changed my life forever.

I would like to thank my husband for coming into my life when he did and for making my life worthwhile again. For changing my world and for everything he's bought into it on our journey. To thank him for being an amazing dad to our boys and for making me such a lucky and happy woman proud to be his wife.

Positive Thinking.

It's funny how once you have children, the most simple things in life become the biggest of luxuries.

Namely the magic of a long hot bath.

I could bath and relax in the evenings but it's always a rush and it seems a waste to go to sleep afterwards. However,I have started to have an hour to myself in the mornings. Pup goes in her basket, the kids go in their room for a nap or play time. I just switch off and enjoy the time alone. The peace and quiet.

It's strange to think that we are so near the end of yet another year. Thoughts are turning to christmas. My goal for christmas is 14lbs off.

It's not going to be easy but I am going to give it my best.  It's less than 2.5lbs per week so I could do it comfortable. Let's give it a go.

I am feeling rather good right now, I just want to look better and be that little more happier within my own skin.

I've been asking for some beauty gifts on my list to Santa this year. I would like some new hair straighteners, make up, skin creams etc. I would also like foody gifts, a coffee maker, flavoured oils, a griddle pan. From my husband I think I would like a special piece of jewellery (probably a necklace) to commemorate our first christmas together as a married couple. I suppose I am an old traditionalist on things like that. However I have no idea what to get him. It doesn't get any easier. What I need is a day without him looking round shops to get ideas. Easier said than done since our nearest town is on the small side.

I am back to my other old obsession of Underwear. I really feel that a new underwear spending spree is in order. I am back to a better size so I can wear nicer undergarments again. M&S here in the UK always has a great range for all shapes and sizes at an affordable price for something that lasts. I do think I need some time in there to treat myself - and hubby ;). I might even give him a christmas challenge.  A "Here's your budget, here's my sizes/measurements - Surprise me!" type challenge. I am flexibe and up for some fun so it could be good for us newlyweds. And if I am a couple of inches smaller or more toned by Christmas then all the better.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.............

So somehow, this beautiful little boy is now 2. He never ceases to amaze me.

The happiest of souls, James is always smiling or singing.

His vocabulary is growing by the day, even if much of it is contributed by kids tv.

He is learning all the time. He can count to 5 at the moment and will ask for specific things.

He's a smart little cookie already.

He is creative loving nothing more than his chalkboard and chalks, or playing with his trains. He is forever taking apart the tracks and trying to put them together in a different way. This can cause the odd bit of frustration in a boy, but he is learning all the time.

When I last posted, I was having a particularly crap day with the kids and dog. I see myself as a realist blogger. I don't just blog on the sugar and sweetness of life with kids and a family, I am true enough to admit that some days are just too much to bear. I had a few days of stresses that had built up. The kids were hyper, the dog was crazy and causing at least one child to cry whenever she spent more than 5 seconds in the room with them. The little nips and cuts on the kids were far too evident and I need a break from time to time. I'm only human too. I was feeling cut off from friends who had cancelled plans on me last weekend and I was incredibly pissed off. The more I thought about things, the more I hated life. The more I thought about things, the more I felt like I was just living for everyone but myself and failing at keeping anyone happy.

When I do get on a downer, it does tend to spiral quickly.

It all came to a head later the day of said post when I yelled at the kids and dog so much I burst into tears.......

On three very separate occassions......

In the space of an hour..............

I then spent the next two hours apologising to the kids for being such a shit mother and telling them they deserved better than me before sending the kids to bed.

When I tried to speak to hubby about it when he got home from work I was still close to tears explaining how much of a failure I feel that I couldn't cope with kids and a puppy. I'd already said to him earlier in the week that I was feeling stressed and that I had a feeling that my blood pressure was high. At times I could feel it rising! I even half joked that at this rate, I wouldn't be allowed my contraceptive injection in 2 weeks if things didn't calm down. 

My meltdown afternoon did appear to do the trick and I have been feeling much brighter since that awful afternoon.

It wasn't all bad I suppose. I rid myself of frustrations, cleared my mind and was able to get out what I ahad been bottling up.

ALSO, somehow, despite 2 takeaways and eating half my weight in chocolate and chocolate biscuits, I miraculously lost 4lb between Saturday and Wednesday. So, with that in mind, it's kicked me back into watching what I eat now and with the exercise I get daily, I am trying to boost my self esteem with losing weight again. I said to hubby the other day my jeans felt looser on my thighs again so it is noticable in my clothes if not in appearance. So maybe a couple of weeks stress was what I needed to get on the straight and narrow again.

Rosie is FINALLY beginning to calm down. I haven't seen a fresh scratch on any of the kids for a few days. This is blatantly a step forward!

She is doing well with the toilet training, We do still wake up to puddles and she does take some persuasion to go outside when it's as cold and wet as it is right now.

So things are getting there.

Invisible

That's the long and short of how I feel right now.

No-one seems to notice or care how I feel right now.

I'm fed up being let down and just being treated like I don't exist. What does it take for someone, anyone to realise how stressed I am.

I am more than just a mum to 3 boys......

.........or at least I used to be