After just one week of getting back to healthy eating and back to the regular exercise of the daily routine and I have shed 6lbs.
I feel really good. I do miss it when I don't spend a minimum of 90minutes walking a day. It adds up over the course of a week and I feel that my body needs it.
Not much has changed since the last school term. The only difference being that Matthew now does football practice after school on a Tuesday, he did it yesterday and really loved it. James is back at nursery on a Wednesday morning so Liam and I get to have some quiet time together. Today he played out in the garden with the footballs whilst I did some gardening. I really see this little boy growing up! He walked a fair way to collect James from nursery too and played with the other kids. On collection of James, Liam ran into the room with all the other kids, gave them all a wave and left as quick as he went in. He is so funny.
I am trying to grow my nails yet again. I can do it, I just need to stop doing jobs that will destroy them all the time.
My leg is healing well and though I still have quite a scar and I am covered in blue bruises but I don't have the constant stinging anymore. I am comfortable with it and hope that by the weekend I can shave my legs. Ha!
I did buy myself a dress for the weekend. I am really looking forward to having the chance to dress up and have an evening out with hubby and some of his friends. I think it will do us good to have a night out with a group. It's been a long time since we caught up with friends.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Monday, 12 September 2011
Amateur Baker
My horoscopes said that this September I will discover a new talent. I think they may actually be right this time.
Somehow I have become a real little Kitchen Goddess of late. Baking in particular.
Since I've had the new oven, every recipe is coming out perfect. I have more confidence in myself and I am getting daring and having only cooked a handful of cakes in my life, I am already adapting recipes. With both my youngest and my hubby's birthdays this weekend, what better a time than to play with my new "toy".
Yesterday I finally got some baking equipment. I got 12 hole bun pan (I don't know the official term hence the title Amateur Baker)
Today I am experimenting with a basic chocolate cupcake recipe.
100g self raising flour.
100g softened butter.
100g caster sugar
2 tbsp cocoa powder
2 eggs.
This is the recipe. However, being the birthdays of two very special people I wanted to add a little luxury by adding:
1 tbsp of orange essence
3 squares of dark chocolate (grated)
A few drops of milk to get right consistancy
I am not going the whole hog and icing them today as it's an experiment to see just how well they come out, I may need to add more essence or more chocolate or cut out the chocolate squares. Today is a fun baking day.
Just out of the oven, they look good!!!! Look!
Consistency/texture seems right, we just need to check the taste!
James loves to help me bake. He passes me the ingredients and helps me use the hand whisk to mix the cakes so he really feels involved. He also gets that all important job of licking the spoon and bowl for his special efforts.
I love that we can do little tasks like this together, it's great getting kids involved in things and it's ideal when they get to eat what they have worked on.
I used to get Matthew to make pizzas with me when it was just the two of us, but it's alot more expensive to do when there are 5 of us rather than 2.
I am also aiming to cook one new meal we've never had before a week. I do enjoy cooking, it gives me a little escape to get into the kitchen for a little time and I love it when the family enjoy it too.
Anyway, off to test some cakes, they should be cool enough by now.
Somehow I have become a real little Kitchen Goddess of late. Baking in particular.
Since I've had the new oven, every recipe is coming out perfect. I have more confidence in myself and I am getting daring and having only cooked a handful of cakes in my life, I am already adapting recipes. With both my youngest and my hubby's birthdays this weekend, what better a time than to play with my new "toy".
Yesterday I finally got some baking equipment. I got 12 hole bun pan (I don't know the official term hence the title Amateur Baker)
Today I am experimenting with a basic chocolate cupcake recipe.
100g self raising flour.
100g softened butter.
100g caster sugar
2 tbsp cocoa powder
2 eggs.
This is the recipe. However, being the birthdays of two very special people I wanted to add a little luxury by adding:
1 tbsp of orange essence
3 squares of dark chocolate (grated)
A few drops of milk to get right consistancy
I am not going the whole hog and icing them today as it's an experiment to see just how well they come out, I may need to add more essence or more chocolate or cut out the chocolate squares. Today is a fun baking day.
Just out of the oven, they look good!!!! Look!
Consistency/texture seems right, we just need to check the taste!
James loves to help me bake. He passes me the ingredients and helps me use the hand whisk to mix the cakes so he really feels involved. He also gets that all important job of licking the spoon and bowl for his special efforts.
I love that we can do little tasks like this together, it's great getting kids involved in things and it's ideal when they get to eat what they have worked on.
I used to get Matthew to make pizzas with me when it was just the two of us, but it's alot more expensive to do when there are 5 of us rather than 2.
I am also aiming to cook one new meal we've never had before a week. I do enjoy cooking, it gives me a little escape to get into the kitchen for a little time and I love it when the family enjoy it too.
Anyway, off to test some cakes, they should be cool enough by now.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Ouch
I knew things were going too well recent weeks.
On Friday I had another successful driving lesson, I am now really feeling it and enjoying it most occassions.
However coming back to the house I tripped in the garden.
We have steps before we get to our gate and in some strange fashion I lost my footing and fell.
I don't know if I caught the step, if the ground was a little slippery where damp or what but I fell big time.
As I went down I reached out to grab the wire fencing alongside the garden. Of course, being wire fencing it wouldn't hold Matthews weight let alone mine so it does not break my fall much. As the fence goes down I smash my shoulder on the fence post and get a little cut on my collar bone from the metal post itself.
That's nothing compared to the state of my legs.
On one leg I have many many little grazes but nothing too bad.
My left leg is still causing me a fair bit of pain as I type.
I landed on a tree root. One we had only trimmed down a few weeks ago when we were giving the garden a clean up.
The root has left a 5cm long, fairly deep graze up my left calf. It looks very nasty but was drying out fairly quick so within 20 minutes of it I was back to the school routine. It has been throbbing the whole time since it was scratched. An old friend said I should have gone to the hospital as it does look particularly nasty but I couldn't see what they would do that I hadn't. I cleansed the graze with a non scented, low alcohol cleanser (aka sensitive baby wipes) and have let it get the air to try and help it breathe and scab over naturally.
This puts pay to me wearing a certain dress next weekend for hubbys birthday, I had my heart set on something different for me. Well, a dress is different enough but it was a knee length dress I wanted and no way would I be wearing this:
with my leg looking like this:
I apologise for the general state of my leg here, my legs are not one of the finer parts of my body and are normally hidden away hence the big deal about a shorter dress. This photo was taken this morning after a bath last night and the wound looks less angry and red as it did yesterday and the day before. The dry blood looks alot less black too. It still stings with the slightest movement and just above the main wound is a tiny gash nearer my ankle which is where the bruising is beginning to come out.
Fortunately, every cloud has a silver lining. I am pleased that since I was destined to have an accident that day it was in my garden and not in my driving instructors car. I am also grateful I hurt my leg rather than my head.
I am also grateful that the dress shop does this maxi dress as an alternative:
As a girl who lives in cropped jeans, and smart t shirts I wanted to make an effort and have a "going out" outfit. Now the shop just has to have my size in stock.
Also on Friday I made this:
It's a Victoria Sponge with jam and cream filling. Needless to say in a family like mine it didn't last 24 hours. And I don't really "do" cake myself. Recipe coming soon.
Finally, today I will be thinking of those who lost their lives in the 9/11 attrocities like everyone else. I didn't know anyone in the attack, but like the rest of the world, I felt the shockwaves. The utter terrifying images that were left behind left mental scars on all of us whatever side of the Atlantic we were watching from.
RIP all those who left this earth September 11th 2001.
On Friday I had another successful driving lesson, I am now really feeling it and enjoying it most occassions.
However coming back to the house I tripped in the garden.
We have steps before we get to our gate and in some strange fashion I lost my footing and fell.
I don't know if I caught the step, if the ground was a little slippery where damp or what but I fell big time.
As I went down I reached out to grab the wire fencing alongside the garden. Of course, being wire fencing it wouldn't hold Matthews weight let alone mine so it does not break my fall much. As the fence goes down I smash my shoulder on the fence post and get a little cut on my collar bone from the metal post itself.
That's nothing compared to the state of my legs.
On one leg I have many many little grazes but nothing too bad.
My left leg is still causing me a fair bit of pain as I type.
I landed on a tree root. One we had only trimmed down a few weeks ago when we were giving the garden a clean up.
The root has left a 5cm long, fairly deep graze up my left calf. It looks very nasty but was drying out fairly quick so within 20 minutes of it I was back to the school routine. It has been throbbing the whole time since it was scratched. An old friend said I should have gone to the hospital as it does look particularly nasty but I couldn't see what they would do that I hadn't. I cleansed the graze with a non scented, low alcohol cleanser (aka sensitive baby wipes) and have let it get the air to try and help it breathe and scab over naturally.
This puts pay to me wearing a certain dress next weekend for hubbys birthday, I had my heart set on something different for me. Well, a dress is different enough but it was a knee length dress I wanted and no way would I be wearing this:
with my leg looking like this:
Fortunately, every cloud has a silver lining. I am pleased that since I was destined to have an accident that day it was in my garden and not in my driving instructors car. I am also grateful I hurt my leg rather than my head.
I am also grateful that the dress shop does this maxi dress as an alternative:
Also on Friday I made this:
It's a Victoria Sponge with jam and cream filling. Needless to say in a family like mine it didn't last 24 hours. And I don't really "do" cake myself. Recipe coming soon.
Finally, today I will be thinking of those who lost their lives in the 9/11 attrocities like everyone else. I didn't know anyone in the attack, but like the rest of the world, I felt the shockwaves. The utter terrifying images that were left behind left mental scars on all of us whatever side of the Atlantic we were watching from.
RIP all those who left this earth September 11th 2001.
Thursday, 8 September 2011
One of Those Things We Don't Talk About
EIGHT years ago today I married for the first time.
At 20 weeks pregnant I had an ivory lace dress, a pearl tiara and some orange, yellow and white flowers.
No bridesmaids, no page boys, no big guest list.
Only my family and a handful of our closest friends attended. I think there were around 16 people at the registry office.
Never ONCE did I meet any of my ex husbands family apart from 1 cousin. They didn't even attend the wedding.
The wedding was short and sweet and we only had the wedding on that day. At the weekend we had a reception with many friends and distant family attending.
Things were never good with us.
Even then, looking back, if I hadn't been pregnant and trying to do what I thought would be best for my unborn baby, I wouldn't have married him.
You know the saying "Stuck between a rock and a hard place". That was me in 2003.
I was almost 23 and should have known better.
I didn't really want to marry him but it seemed the better option at the time. The lesser of two evils.
I could have not married him, I could have walked away and accepted life as a single mum from day 1 but I wanted to offer my baby a family life. I wanted to offer him 2 parents.
So I chose to temporarily forget about the emotional blackmail, the verbal abuse, the accusations that it wasn't his baby, that I was seeing someone else, that I got pregnant to trap him. I had every accusation under the sun thrown at me.
It didn't get any better after we married. I didn't expect it to.
His paranoia grew worse and once we had our son, he became more jealous than before. As much as he loved his son, he was resentful that he got less attention.
When Matthew was 9 weeks old he got sick and had to be kept in a Paediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) at a top London Childrens Hospital.
Of course, it was my fault he was ill. I let him get sick. I wasn't looking after him properly.
Every single thing I did was wrong, Every single thing I did I was made to feel a failure yet with the nature of abusive relationships, I was made to feel I was lucky to be married to someone and not be a complete failure of having no relationship at all.
Not being able to forgive him for blaming me for Matthew being so ill, I asked him to leave. We were still living with my parents and he went to stay with friends.
We'd been married a little over 6 months.
As Matthew recovered he played the doting father.
I felt guilty for depriving my son of having his dad around and we gave it another go.
The arguments we had were explosive, I couldn't feel comfortable with him around. I looked forward to him going to work and dreaded his days off. I slipped into a form of depression and found it harder and harder to live with him. Yet the thought of living without him had me fearing that I would fail my son.
He would disappear for a couple of days on end. I would get calls from his work why he wasn't in. I couldn't really explain to them that he had gone out with friends and was probably on a drinking bender. I never knew how long he'd be gone for or what sort of mood he would be in when he returned.
He always denied having a drink problem. To me the drink was the MAJOR problem, he didn't always see it that way. He'd drink when down, he'd drink when happy. Drinking was his habit.
He never knew that I knew about his 1/2 a bottle of vodka a day that he picked up on the way to work.
Being the optimist I wanted him to change. I wanted to help him change. It was my job wasn't it? I was his wife after all. I was expected to support him and I tried so hard at times. Only to be told repeatedly he didn't have a drink problem but I had no life because "that baby" was more important than the person I used to be. The fun girl he fell for.
The more crap I felt about my life, the more my weight crept up. He had the drink problem, mine became food.
I felt a failure to myself. For not being strong for myself.
I felt a failure to Matthew. For not being a better mother, for not being strong enough for him.
When we moved out of my parents home in May 2005, Matthew was 15 months old.
I hoped the new home would be a new start.
It turned out to just be a new set of problems.
Matthew never witnessed any of the troubles but he was scared of his dad by this age. Ex husband would lift him up high and Matthew was seriously uncomfortable. When I did it, he would laugh and laugh and laugh. His dad - often wobbly from drink - didn't realise he was scaring Matthew. Of course it was my fault he was scared, I was turning his son away from him.
In August of that year things turned violent. An argument resulted in me throwing him out and me recieving a bloody nose and a black eye.
Even then it wasn't easy to just walk away.
I did get used to living as a single mother. However, another night of begging from him and tears on both parts had us get back together within 2 months.
Things were a little better for a while but things turned ugly often.
In April 2006 a fiery row led to me throwing my wedding and engagement rings at him telling him I hated him, how he tried to control me and everything in my life. Everytime I went anywhere I had a barrage of questions, who was I with? who did I see? who did I talk to? how long did I take? I was fed up of it all.
In his rage he threw my rings over a neighbours fence. I never saw them again.
Mentally this was a massive breakthrough for me.
Without a wedding ring I wasn't a wife. I wasn't HIS wife so why should I put up with any more of this!?
A week or so later as April turned to May, he became violent again. This time, he tried to strangle me in front of Matthew. Tearfully I called the emergency services out of fear for him to hit me so I dropped the phone. He ripped the phone from the socket as I tried to again call for help and smashed my mobile phone. I hit back and told him to get out of my life for good. Needless to say he'd been drinking. He calmly put on his coat and walked out. I fixed the phone called the police who had already sent an emergency car round since my 999 call had and been violently interrupted and they couldn't get through on attempts to call me back.
I chose to press charges this time. I had bruises on my arms and neck where I had been pushed and pulled around. He arrived back at the house during my police statement and not following the advice of the policeman refused to leave. Within 5 minutes two backup police cars were outside my house to arrest him. He had been drinking even more and was arrested on my stairs for assault on me, and for assaulting a policeman who tried to restrain him.
Early next morning, I was in my solicitors office talking things through with her to start divorce proceedings. She hurried out an emergency injunction meaning he couldn't come within 200m of me or the house for 12 months or he would be arrested and retained. It was better than nothing. As he left he'd threatened to kill both myself and Matthew. Threatening to break into the house and burn it down while we slept. That same day my locks were changed.
I had to make arrangements so he could have access to see Matthew but because he wasn't allowed near me or my house, so my mum took Matthew for Tuesday afternoons so he could see Matthew once a week. After a couple of months that stopped as he was jealous that Matthew wanted to play more with his uncle and grandparents than him.
Several months later I was called to court for his assault and he pleaded guilty and was ordered to pay me damages. It wasn't alot and it wasn't what I was after, I just wanted him to realise what he did was wrong and that he wasn't above the law. I just wanted to show him back that I was a stronger person without him and that I would not take things lightly.
Leaving my ex was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life.
It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and Matthew but I would never say I wish it hadn't happened.
Whilst I wish Matthew had had a better start to his life, I've survived. We've survived.
I believe that in life, bad things happen so that when good things happen we realise how lucky we are. We get through the tough times and it strongly shapes us as individuals.
I don't know if I believe in fate but if I hadn't had those years with my ex husband then maybe I wouldn't have the family I have now. I do believe that things happen at certain times for a reason and had I not been with my ex then I wouldn't have got to the point I am now.
I am a better person for it all. I instantly became a better mother, I became a stronger person and I learnt so much on my journey.
Of course, this is all the super-condensed side of the story. The pinpoint times where things were really hard. I could almost write a book on my failed marriage.
Eight years ago today, my wedding day certainly was not the happiest day of my life that far. It was one of the most scary. My future was filled with fear and uncertainty. It was that fear and uncertainty that made me marry him. Damned if I did, Damned if I didn't.
Now, every day I look forward to my future. I am lucky with the way life has turned round in just a few years.
I won't ever forget those years but I have so learned to value the good in my husband and kids.
Domestic abuse goes on in all walks of life, with almost as many men suffering from abuse as women, that's just even more unsaid. It's not the violence that's the hardest thing to live with but the mental wearing away to a point a person feels so useless and vulnerable that they begin to believe that they are lucky to be with this person rather than be alone.
This has been a hard post to write and taken me a long time (not to mention this about the 5th edit in 10 minutes) but I don't want to be pitied. I don't even want to be congratulated on getting out of a bad situation. I don't often delve into the depths of this and to be quite honest, I have forgotten so much. Partially through choice, partially because it was a part of every day life so I will stop there.
Finally - In True Jerry Springer style is a final thought from someone who lived to tell the tale.
People who stay in this sort of destructive relationship don't do it because they are weak - They just haven't yet discovered how strong they can be.
At 20 weeks pregnant I had an ivory lace dress, a pearl tiara and some orange, yellow and white flowers.
No bridesmaids, no page boys, no big guest list.
Only my family and a handful of our closest friends attended. I think there were around 16 people at the registry office.
Never ONCE did I meet any of my ex husbands family apart from 1 cousin. They didn't even attend the wedding.
The wedding was short and sweet and we only had the wedding on that day. At the weekend we had a reception with many friends and distant family attending.
Things were never good with us.
Even then, looking back, if I hadn't been pregnant and trying to do what I thought would be best for my unborn baby, I wouldn't have married him.
You know the saying "Stuck between a rock and a hard place". That was me in 2003.
I was almost 23 and should have known better.
I didn't really want to marry him but it seemed the better option at the time. The lesser of two evils.
I could have not married him, I could have walked away and accepted life as a single mum from day 1 but I wanted to offer my baby a family life. I wanted to offer him 2 parents.
So I chose to temporarily forget about the emotional blackmail, the verbal abuse, the accusations that it wasn't his baby, that I was seeing someone else, that I got pregnant to trap him. I had every accusation under the sun thrown at me.
It didn't get any better after we married. I didn't expect it to.
His paranoia grew worse and once we had our son, he became more jealous than before. As much as he loved his son, he was resentful that he got less attention.
When Matthew was 9 weeks old he got sick and had to be kept in a Paediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) at a top London Childrens Hospital.
Of course, it was my fault he was ill. I let him get sick. I wasn't looking after him properly.
Every single thing I did was wrong, Every single thing I did I was made to feel a failure yet with the nature of abusive relationships, I was made to feel I was lucky to be married to someone and not be a complete failure of having no relationship at all.
Not being able to forgive him for blaming me for Matthew being so ill, I asked him to leave. We were still living with my parents and he went to stay with friends.
We'd been married a little over 6 months.
As Matthew recovered he played the doting father.
I felt guilty for depriving my son of having his dad around and we gave it another go.
The arguments we had were explosive, I couldn't feel comfortable with him around. I looked forward to him going to work and dreaded his days off. I slipped into a form of depression and found it harder and harder to live with him. Yet the thought of living without him had me fearing that I would fail my son.
He would disappear for a couple of days on end. I would get calls from his work why he wasn't in. I couldn't really explain to them that he had gone out with friends and was probably on a drinking bender. I never knew how long he'd be gone for or what sort of mood he would be in when he returned.
He always denied having a drink problem. To me the drink was the MAJOR problem, he didn't always see it that way. He'd drink when down, he'd drink when happy. Drinking was his habit.
He never knew that I knew about his 1/2 a bottle of vodka a day that he picked up on the way to work.
Being the optimist I wanted him to change. I wanted to help him change. It was my job wasn't it? I was his wife after all. I was expected to support him and I tried so hard at times. Only to be told repeatedly he didn't have a drink problem but I had no life because "that baby" was more important than the person I used to be. The fun girl he fell for.
The more crap I felt about my life, the more my weight crept up. He had the drink problem, mine became food.
I felt a failure to myself. For not being strong for myself.
I felt a failure to Matthew. For not being a better mother, for not being strong enough for him.
When we moved out of my parents home in May 2005, Matthew was 15 months old.
I hoped the new home would be a new start.
It turned out to just be a new set of problems.
Matthew never witnessed any of the troubles but he was scared of his dad by this age. Ex husband would lift him up high and Matthew was seriously uncomfortable. When I did it, he would laugh and laugh and laugh. His dad - often wobbly from drink - didn't realise he was scaring Matthew. Of course it was my fault he was scared, I was turning his son away from him.
In August of that year things turned violent. An argument resulted in me throwing him out and me recieving a bloody nose and a black eye.
Even then it wasn't easy to just walk away.
I did get used to living as a single mother. However, another night of begging from him and tears on both parts had us get back together within 2 months.
Things were a little better for a while but things turned ugly often.
In April 2006 a fiery row led to me throwing my wedding and engagement rings at him telling him I hated him, how he tried to control me and everything in my life. Everytime I went anywhere I had a barrage of questions, who was I with? who did I see? who did I talk to? how long did I take? I was fed up of it all.
In his rage he threw my rings over a neighbours fence. I never saw them again.
Mentally this was a massive breakthrough for me.
Without a wedding ring I wasn't a wife. I wasn't HIS wife so why should I put up with any more of this!?
A week or so later as April turned to May, he became violent again. This time, he tried to strangle me in front of Matthew. Tearfully I called the emergency services out of fear for him to hit me so I dropped the phone. He ripped the phone from the socket as I tried to again call for help and smashed my mobile phone. I hit back and told him to get out of my life for good. Needless to say he'd been drinking. He calmly put on his coat and walked out. I fixed the phone called the police who had already sent an emergency car round since my 999 call had and been violently interrupted and they couldn't get through on attempts to call me back.
I chose to press charges this time. I had bruises on my arms and neck where I had been pushed and pulled around. He arrived back at the house during my police statement and not following the advice of the policeman refused to leave. Within 5 minutes two backup police cars were outside my house to arrest him. He had been drinking even more and was arrested on my stairs for assault on me, and for assaulting a policeman who tried to restrain him.
Early next morning, I was in my solicitors office talking things through with her to start divorce proceedings. She hurried out an emergency injunction meaning he couldn't come within 200m of me or the house for 12 months or he would be arrested and retained. It was better than nothing. As he left he'd threatened to kill both myself and Matthew. Threatening to break into the house and burn it down while we slept. That same day my locks were changed.
I had to make arrangements so he could have access to see Matthew but because he wasn't allowed near me or my house, so my mum took Matthew for Tuesday afternoons so he could see Matthew once a week. After a couple of months that stopped as he was jealous that Matthew wanted to play more with his uncle and grandparents than him.
Several months later I was called to court for his assault and he pleaded guilty and was ordered to pay me damages. It wasn't alot and it wasn't what I was after, I just wanted him to realise what he did was wrong and that he wasn't above the law. I just wanted to show him back that I was a stronger person without him and that I would not take things lightly.
Leaving my ex was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life.
It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and Matthew but I would never say I wish it hadn't happened.
Whilst I wish Matthew had had a better start to his life, I've survived. We've survived.
I believe that in life, bad things happen so that when good things happen we realise how lucky we are. We get through the tough times and it strongly shapes us as individuals.
I don't know if I believe in fate but if I hadn't had those years with my ex husband then maybe I wouldn't have the family I have now. I do believe that things happen at certain times for a reason and had I not been with my ex then I wouldn't have got to the point I am now.
I am a better person for it all. I instantly became a better mother, I became a stronger person and I learnt so much on my journey.
Of course, this is all the super-condensed side of the story. The pinpoint times where things were really hard. I could almost write a book on my failed marriage.
Eight years ago today, my wedding day certainly was not the happiest day of my life that far. It was one of the most scary. My future was filled with fear and uncertainty. It was that fear and uncertainty that made me marry him. Damned if I did, Damned if I didn't.
Now, every day I look forward to my future. I am lucky with the way life has turned round in just a few years.
I won't ever forget those years but I have so learned to value the good in my husband and kids.
Domestic abuse goes on in all walks of life, with almost as many men suffering from abuse as women, that's just even more unsaid. It's not the violence that's the hardest thing to live with but the mental wearing away to a point a person feels so useless and vulnerable that they begin to believe that they are lucky to be with this person rather than be alone.
This has been a hard post to write and taken me a long time (not to mention this about the 5th edit in 10 minutes) but I don't want to be pitied. I don't even want to be congratulated on getting out of a bad situation. I don't often delve into the depths of this and to be quite honest, I have forgotten so much. Partially through choice, partially because it was a part of every day life so I will stop there.
Finally - In True Jerry Springer style is a final thought from someone who lived to tell the tale.
People who stay in this sort of destructive relationship don't do it because they are weak - They just haven't yet discovered how strong they can be.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
Feels like the billionth time but I'll say it anyway.
Kids are back at school and the walking for exercise is back to normal.
Now all I have to do is eat right again and I will shift those 6lbs that went on the past 6 weeks.
It could have been far far worse. I didn't get the exercise I was used to and having kids home all the time brings out all the bad food and bad eating habits.
We are now in a new month and a new school year and I am ready to make changes once again.
Now all I have to do is eat right again and I will shift those 6lbs that went on the past 6 weeks.
It could have been far far worse. I didn't get the exercise I was used to and having kids home all the time brings out all the bad food and bad eating habits.
We are now in a new month and a new school year and I am ready to make changes once again.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Making a house a home.
It's always the little things in life that bring the most simple joys.
A freshly baked cake nicely scenting the kitchen and fresh handpicked flowers are just an example.
A person can live anywhere but it's the small things that make a house a home.
Things are good here right now.
Really good to the point I worry what may go wrong.
I have a beautiful little family, a lovely house, things are going well and I have made up with an old friend. We exchanged some "sorry's" and back on good terms.
I'm happy in my world.
Hubby and I have been talking more about another child. It won't be this year, maybe not next year even but we 100% commited to having another baby in the next few years. I'd like another child before I'm 35.
Once we can raise the deposit on the house and begin to make some changes, then it could be all go. It is just space stopping us now, even with our talk last night with me telling hubby it would probably be a year* before I get to have a regular cycle again, so we could be looking at 2 years to prepare if we were to stop my birth control by not having the next injection at the end of next month.
Of course, it may not happen. I am incredibly blessed with the 3 little boys I have now and I do feel little guilty about planning baby number 4 when many blogs I read are struggling for baby 1. I've been reading forums on conceiving after the depo shot and they vary so much. Some people fall pregnant straight away, others struggle. I've been lucky with my fertility in the past but that's not to say it will be that way a fourth time. Some fall pregnant in less than 6 months, others are still trying after 2 or 3 years. I guess as long as there's a chance then it's worth a go.
It would just be so amazing to have another little boy or a little girl in the family.
I've been broody for a while but been looking for reasons to not have a baby - I just couldn't convince myself 100% not to feel broody.
My friend recently gave birth and with my sister in law due to give birth next month that's 2 of my bridesmaids having babies close together. Another couple we know are due to have their 4th child in the new year so it's been so hard not to get carried away thinking. "maybe we could have just one more". And with so many others trying to conceive, it's something I just couldn't forget about.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
No Regrets.
I've blogged since I was 18, in 3 weeks time I will be 31.
I have made mistakes in my blogging days.
I've been too honest far too many times and I've always spoken from the heart.
It's just who I am and that's how I work.
What is the point of doing this if I can not be honest with myself.
Over the years, my heart has been spread across these pages. It's seen the good, the bad and the ugly but I've always been true to myself.
I've been everything from a single teenager, to my first serious boyfriend, my first child, my first marriage, my marriage breakdown, my divorce, new love, new babies, health worries, a health scare, death, the fallout of certain friendships.
I've covered it all.
I suppose I can only be described as an "emotional blogger".
And boy, has this blogworld seen some emotions from me.
Sometimes, I feel I've been far too open for my own good.
People sometimes misunderstand me and whilst I've twice been called a bitch for what I write, I wouldn't be me if I skirted round issues and didn't show things as I see them.
When does being fair to yourself and standing up for yourself against others change to being selfish and self obsessed? I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I only I can judge what makes me happy and what doesn't.
Whilst I can be far too stubborn at times, I tend to not hold a grudge. Though sometimes, it's hard to find the right words to say.
I don't like to leave bad feelings lingering though in some cases, I leave things far too long for fear of screwing things up more than ever before.
I lost my grandfather this year and then lost an old friend because of it. All I wanted was my mate and it felt like she wasn't there when I needed her more than ever. I've recently sent her an email wishing her and her family well as I haven't contacted her for over 6 months. If I didn't do it now, I probably never would.
I am not a person that holds on to bitter feelings. I am trying to hold out an olive branch, I don't know how my message will be interpreted but I know I've done my part to try and make amends by making the first move. Whatever her response (if anything) will give me what I need to move forward and not leave me wondering "what if I had tried harder" for the next 6 months.
Life is too short for "what if's" and regrets and I am more than aware that sometimes to move forward and get a clear path forward, then the mess left behind getting to this point needs to be cleared up and I'm trying to do that now.
I guess we'll just see how things go from here.
I'm not expecting miracles. If we get back to being friends, that's great but I don't think it will ever get back to how things were back in the best days. For now I would be happy having my old mate back, even if we have to get to know each other all over again. Now all I can do is wait.
*There's another post before this one if anyone wants to see pictures*
I have made mistakes in my blogging days.
I've been too honest far too many times and I've always spoken from the heart.
It's just who I am and that's how I work.
What is the point of doing this if I can not be honest with myself.
Over the years, my heart has been spread across these pages. It's seen the good, the bad and the ugly but I've always been true to myself.
I've been everything from a single teenager, to my first serious boyfriend, my first child, my first marriage, my marriage breakdown, my divorce, new love, new babies, health worries, a health scare, death, the fallout of certain friendships.
I've covered it all.
I suppose I can only be described as an "emotional blogger".
And boy, has this blogworld seen some emotions from me.
Sometimes, I feel I've been far too open for my own good.
People sometimes misunderstand me and whilst I've twice been called a bitch for what I write, I wouldn't be me if I skirted round issues and didn't show things as I see them.
When does being fair to yourself and standing up for yourself against others change to being selfish and self obsessed? I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I only I can judge what makes me happy and what doesn't.
Whilst I can be far too stubborn at times, I tend to not hold a grudge. Though sometimes, it's hard to find the right words to say.
I don't like to leave bad feelings lingering though in some cases, I leave things far too long for fear of screwing things up more than ever before.
I lost my grandfather this year and then lost an old friend because of it. All I wanted was my mate and it felt like she wasn't there when I needed her more than ever. I've recently sent her an email wishing her and her family well as I haven't contacted her for over 6 months. If I didn't do it now, I probably never would.
I am not a person that holds on to bitter feelings. I am trying to hold out an olive branch, I don't know how my message will be interpreted but I know I've done my part to try and make amends by making the first move. Whatever her response (if anything) will give me what I need to move forward and not leave me wondering "what if I had tried harder" for the next 6 months.
Life is too short for "what if's" and regrets and I am more than aware that sometimes to move forward and get a clear path forward, then the mess left behind getting to this point needs to be cleared up and I'm trying to do that now.
I guess we'll just see how things go from here.
I'm not expecting miracles. If we get back to being friends, that's great but I don't think it will ever get back to how things were back in the best days. For now I would be happy having my old mate back, even if we have to get to know each other all over again. Now all I can do is wait.
*There's another post before this one if anyone wants to see pictures*
Family Living - A Photo Entry
Happy
Excitable
Singing
Dancing
Cheeky
Never Still for a second
Full of Laughter.
He loves Bob The Builder with a passion and will often be heard shouting "Yes We Can" - Half of Bob's Catchphrase.
We took him and James to the zoo a couple of days ago and he really loved it. He was able to walk around free of the buggy and had his own little bit of freedom.
He loved the animals, especially the petting area of the zoo where they could touch sheep and goats. Chickens ran around and we saw some giant house rabbits. I've never seen rabbits so big.
Liam absolutely LOVES rabbits. It's always rabbits he spends time watching most in pet shops. He is going to grow up to be a real gentle little animal lover as he grows up.
Liam really wore himself out, he walked his way through his nap and eventually fell sound asleep in his highchair during lunch.
There are plenty more zoo pictures on facebook if you would like to add me and have a spy. Just leave me a comment and I will message you the details if you are interested. But since this is a shortish photo entry with lots to cover, I am keeping it limited for now.
We've also been spending alot of money doing up the house in the past couple of weeks.
I never told you all about our new fish tank.
It's a meter long and has completed the empty space in the living room.
We have also invested in some new kitchen appliances.
A new washer dryer since my old washing machine was getting old and noisy. And a new dual fuel oven. Gas hob. Electric oven.
I tested the oven out for the first time this morning and baked some cupcakes.
The cupcakes were a real team effort with James helping with the cake mix and Matthew doing the decorations.
They look good, we just need to let the icing set before we test the goods. If they taste as good they look and the oven has worked as well as we'd hoped then there may be the occassionally baking post as I fully intend to turn into a real little "Baking Momma!"
Just the American style fridge freezer to go and our kitchen will be complete.
Our old washing machine and dryer are now on ebay as we hope they can be used by someone who needs them. It's not so much we're trying to regain back some of the money we've spent but to do a good turn in return and save money. If people collect our items they save us paying the council to collect these items at £30 a time so they don't go to landfill. So all in all it's a win win situation for all.
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